Playoff Picture: How’d we end up here? And who will win?

For this playoff picture I decided to compare each of our teams to its equivalent team in the NBA. I base this off of record, personnel, transaction history, and injury report. Enjoy!

Winner’s Bracket: What went Right?

Harden Soul: I’m going to bestow the highest honor I can give in these rankings What’s Defense by comparing them to the Cleveland Cavaliers. They’re a phenomenal team with 4 All-Stars (the Cavs have three) and a solid record. One of the best comparisons to the Cavs has been Marc Gasol. Much like Kevin Love, Gasol has always been known to have All-Star potential. However, this season, Gasol has gone bonkers, similar to Love having an All-Star season again in the Cavs rotation and producing an amazing year. One final comparison that I cannot skip: What’s Defense added Seth Curry mid-season. A mid-season pick-up of a phenomenal shooter? This team is the Cavs. They’re going to win it all. That’s that. Update: The Cavs adding Deron Williams finally gives them some point guard depth, of which depth Harden Soul has plenty.

Durantulas of Love: Spurs. This was another relative no-brainer for me. Durantulas of Love has a lot of good all-around talent, and they’ve shown success as a top contender in this league. Also, Kevin Durant is still finding his way into the Golden State lineup, much like LaMarcus Aldridge on the Spurs. It’s a great team that could even compete for the championship this year. However, I think this team just isn’t ready yet, and a Championship may be more likely in years to come. Update: With Durant out with a hyper-extended knee Durantulas is screwed. Out in the first round.

Carry on my Hayward Son: Despite the name homage to the Jazz, this team most fits my version of the Toronto Raptors. Kyle Lowry, Jeff Teague, and Gordon Hayward make for a phenomenal backcourt. Also, as with the Raptors, Ibaka should have a huge role for this team come playoffs. I’m not sure if they have enough to overcome the heavyweights in the Cavs, Spurs, and Warriors (What’s Defense, Durantulas, and Mars Blackmon) but they are not a team to take likely. The addition of Markieff Morris midseason was a great addition (similar to the Raptors pick-up of Ibaka) – some more lineup changes from Hayward Son will show they really want to dethrone the top teams.

Football Champion: Celtics. They’ve got a great team, but they just aren’t going to be enough to finish with the championship. Porzingis is Football Champion’s Al Horford; All-Star potential, this just wasn’t his season to shine. Also, it doesn’t hurt that both Boston and Football Champion are coming off of NFL/Fantasy Football Championships. One trophy a year kids, Cleveland knows that.

Mars Blackmon’s Best: No surprise here, the best performing team in the Crapstones has to be compared to the best performing team in the league, the Warriors. They have three certifiable All-Stars in Paul George, Klay Thompson, and Anthony Davis but also have an amazing bench depth. Their only major weakness on the team is Terrence Ross, although I believe his trade to the Majic will be a great benefit to him and thus Blackmon as a team. I think Blackmon, like the Warriors, makes it to the finals against What’s Defense (Cavs) but ends up losing a close fight.

Pippen Aint Easy: Clippers. The Clippers have their big three of Paul, Jordan, and Griffin. Likewise, Pippen Aint Easy has LeBron, Drummond, and Anthony (although Mike Conley is a rich man’s JJ Reddick). Pippen hasn’t had the same injury issues as the Clippers this year but they still have not yet exceeded expectations. They’ll compete in the playoffs, but they really need more depth to be able to overcome top teams like the Warriors and Spurs. I predict they get past the first round against Hayward Son but drop off the second round to Mars Blackmon.

Predictions:  Harden Soul wins it all! I don’t like James Harden’s playing style, but he’s a fantasy monster. Marc Gasol continues going Bat$%!# and helps them mow down the competition. They likely defeat Mars Blackmon although Hayward Son could break into the foray if they drop some weak assets.

Loser’s Bracket:

Stockton’s Short Shorts: Jazz. I like this comparison because the Jazz are having a relatively middle of the road season and Dustin just barely missed out on the playoffs. Also, Dustin LOVES the jazz. You guys should read his stuff on them (and other teams); it’s good sports writing. I think the best article that you can find comparisons between his fantasy team and the Jazz is this one. Lillard is the epitome of Dr. Jekyll on offense and Mr. Hyde on defense. Likewise, Steven Adams, Oladipo, Harrison Barnes, Wiggins, Dieng, and Willy Hernangomez are all on teams still figuring out chemistry.

Believeland MiraCLEs: When I started thinking about it, the 76ers were just a perfect comparison to the MiraCLEs. GM Sam Hinkie DeBaltzo decided to Trust the Process despite injuries riddling several of their top players, including losing Embiid, Avery Bradley, Dirk Nowitski, and youngster D’Angleo Russell for weeks at a time. Given a healthy squad, the MiraCLEs could have been top contenders this year. However, there’s always the draft and there’s always next year! The only distinction I could find between the MiraCLEs and the 76ers is that the MiraCLEs have some really solid guards, of which the 76ers could benefit.

I Took a Pill in Ariza: There’s no better team comparison here than OKC. They have Westbrook, and that’s about it. Comparing Maraika’s team to Alec’s makes the most sense as well. OKC and the Pelicans share the same issue: one star player and mediocrity around. However, OKC’s a better overall team and a playoff contender, whereas the Pelicans just flap around with a lucky win here or there.

Basketball Bellies: Timberwolves. Overall I have pretty good things to say about this team. They were a young team headed by KAT, who despite all the haters saying he’s not an All-Star, I would put money on being a Hall of Famer someday. I compare Jeremy Lin most too Zach Lavine. I think Levine has better potential, but currently I see them at about the same level. Lavine’s injury really hurt the T-Wolves, and Lin’s hurt the Bellies. Overall, the Bellies were a young team with some great talent; this just wasn’t their year to be great as a team.

Team Rockwood:

  I made this analysis Pre-Boogie Cousins Trade: New Orleans Pelicans. Chris Paul is their Anthony Davis this year. Phenomenal player in his own right, but his injury and a lack of roster support led to an absolutely abysmal season. Their only win was against Basketball Bellies, who themselves carry a record of 4-14 into the playoffs. See also analysis on I Took a Pill in Ariza.

  Post-Boogie Cousins Trade Analysis: In reality this was a better fit to begin with. Brook Lopez and Jeremy Lin are the Net’s two main players, and Lin has been injured for months. Likewise, Team Rockwood pretty much only has Chris Paul and Draymond Green, with Paul being injured for months. Also, the Nets are clearly the bottom dwellers in the NBA, as they are 9 games behind the next worst team in the league, the Suns. Simply put, it wasn’t Alec’s year.

Team Call: New York Knicks. They’ve got some solid young Talent in Jimmy Butler and Julius Randle and pulled together some great older talent in the form of Steph Curry, Rickey Rubio, and Brook Lopez. On paper, the Knicks (and Team Call) should have had a decent season. However, picking up no players the entire season shows that Team Call’s front office performed as terribly as the Dolan-Jackson gang has this year.

Predictions:  Believeland Miracles roll over every other team in the Loser’s Bracket. They’ll be healthy post-all-star break and they are going to crush the other teams. Stockton’s Short Shorts will present a noble effort but lose out with a lack of depth. Team Rockwood loses out, winning the Plain ol’ Crap trophy (unless some other team forgets to start a lineup).

Bonus Stats: In January I put together some stuff on each team’s big three and their stats. I was going to do a power rankings based on it but ended up not having time. I thought you guys would still enjoy them though! This first one is the information all put out, and the second one uses the averages and orders the teams for all of them. Again, no write-up, but I thought you might enjoy it! 

Week 6 Power Rankings: Basketball

Courtesy of Corry Smith

Alright, while there are still some games left tonight to decide who will be in the football playoffs, I’m presenting the first basketball power rankings in the season. We’re 6 weeks in a 17 week season, so enough games have been played to give a view into how teams are panning out, with some interesting patterns that I’ll mention at the end real quick. To score this week’s rankings, I went week by week and ranked each team by order of points scored and then added those together. I’m sure some don’t think this is statistically advanced enough (Taylor) but it’s what I used. So deal with it.

#12 Team DeBaltzo (1-5) - Charlotte - 15

Coming in at a strong last place is Team DeBaltzo. You’ve got to wonder if she knows something we don’t by continuing to put All-Stars on her roster like the injured Tyreke Evans, the inured Jeremy Lin, and especially the injured Gary Harris. The team has struggled to put up substantial points all season, being among the lowest three teams in scoring 5 of the 6 weeks, and the lowest twice. The only win came this past week against fellow preggy I Took A Pill In Ariza, largely attributed to I Took A Pill’s worst week on the season. While the team has the big names on the roster, like Towns, Griffin, Noah, and Irving, it has yet to be a factor this season.

#11 Team Rockwood (0-6) - Alec - 18

Going 0 - 6 is always a rough start to a season. That’s the main reason for Team Rockwood losing out to Team Call’s same score. But also significant is the fact that despite being winless, Rockwood has yet to pick up any players, or even change his roster once. While he may be trusting that certain players will make an impact when they return from injury, such as Favors, Reggie Jackson, or Nerlens ‘Merry Christmas’ Noel, it still doesn’t explain keeping potential juggernaut Mirza Teletovic who is averaging an amazing 6.4 points a game, which is even less than other guys I also haven’t heard of like Kevin Looney Toons, Jakob Poeltltltl, or Dante Eczema, who all have ridiculous names. Maybe he’s playing Hearts rules and is trying to shoot the moon and go scoreless, an interesting strategy that I really think he’ll regret at the end of the season.

#10 Team Call (1-5) - Taylor - 18

For the first time, Team Call has decided to change the name from Billy Beane and trust on pure basketball instinct rather than the numbers. Well... the instinct has lied. Always trust the numbers Taylor! That’s what they pay you the big bucks for! Twice, Team Call has been the lowest scoring team. The one win came against fellow 18 pointer Team Rockwood, so that doesn’t really count. While Call has played a ful team every week, which is appreciated, he has yet to make any pick ups while still playing Jared Sullinger who is supposed to be out another month and a half, and doesn’t offer much of an addition even when healthy. But the fact that he still puts up a roster each week will at least offer some potential upset weeks, which keeps the league going.

# 9 I Took A Pill In Ariza (3-3) - Maraika - 36

Being the team that separates the quite bad from the average is I Took A Pill In Ariza, who is sitting at .500. Ariza has had some great weeks, being in the top three scoring teams twice this year, but then also being the second worst team week 2, and the worst team this past week. But having J.R. Smith is an automatic curse for a streaky and inconsistent team. Ariza’s team is actually pretty solid and has the potential of a playoff team, as long as they can bounce back from this past week’s rough loss and find some consistency.

# 8 Carry on my Hayward son (3-3) - Dane - 37

Barely getting the edge over Ariza is Carry on my Hayward son, who is also at .500, as is about half the league. While generally scoring low, Hayward has been the third highest scoring team once, and then just had a monstrous week this past week where he put up the most points of any team this season. He has also had the fourth most points scored against him which shows the tough schedule he’s faced. If this past week is an indication of this team’s true potential, with two players scoring in triple digit points, and every other player putting up solid numbers, Hayward could quickly find themselves on a hot streak.

# 7 Team jones (3-3) - Austin - 43

Team jones has been a solid team all year. Though he scored the second least points week 3, he bounced back by scoring the most points the following week against the second highest scoring team of the week, Sam. He’s also had a tough schedule, having had the third most points scored against him. I think jones could quickly rise into the top teams over the next few weeks. He faces 3 of the 4 bottom teams next week which should allow him to separate himself a bit from the other .500 teams. He also has had both players in the league this year who are named Terrance, so maybe that’s important too?

# 6 Stockton’s Short Shorts (3-3) - Dustin - 45

I don’t know why, but I am both rooting for and rooting against Stockton’s Short Short’s. Dustin has always been one of the best and most involved fantasy players, even when it’s not his sport, like basketball is, but I still just don’t want to see a champion repeat. He was clearly high on his own team though, ranking himself at #3 in the preseason rankings, predicting a 10-6 record for himself. He’s going to have to change things around to go 7-3 the rest of the season. This may be difficult as his three wins have come against teams who are a combined 4-14 while going 0-3 against teams that are a combined 14-4. He’s showing confidence in his team, however, as he has yet to pick up any players, while still supporting players who are averaging less than 10 points a game, such as Allen Crabbe and Goyle, and Brandon Knights of the Night. We’ll see, but I would be shocked if Stockton made a run at repeating his championship.

# 5 Believeland Chokers (3-3) - Sam - 48

The last of the .500 teams is probably the best of them all. Besides a rough week 3, the Chokers have been a solid team each week. Besides that rough week, the other two losses have come by less than 20 points each. One possible downside, however, is that the usually active Sam has only made one move this year, which could hurt him if he just keeps waiting on injured players D (God’s comma) Angelo Russell, Dirk, and Chandler Parsons getting healthy. His team is solid, and I definitely see a playoff team. But it will depend a lot on how he handles the growing injuries in the coming weeks, or if he’ll let something as petty as an infant to get in the way of what matters most: Fantasy Basketball.

# 4 Pippen Aint Easy (4-2) - Tyler - 48

At 4-2, Pippen Aint Easy gets the edge of 3-3 Believeland Chokers. And I know you’re in shock that you aren’t #1 Tyler. But like his counterpart, the injuries may begin to take a toll on Pippen. He doesn’t have any of the top 15 players, so a healthy and full roster will be especially important. Tyler seems to always have a lot of confidence in his drafted teams, though, and doesn’t make many changes, having added zero players this year. Tyler is banking on his big men staying healthy so that he doesn’t have to break up his full team of centers, Andre Drumstick, Greg Monroe, Jonas Brothers Valanciunas, Robin Lopez, and Clint Accapella. He’s got a solid team, he’ll make the playoffs, but I think his commitment to his current team may hurt him in the playoffs.

# 3 Durantulas Of Love (5-1) - Corry - 51

Man, what a great team! Am I right?! Dustin pre-ranked me at 9, but I’m crushing it. And since I don’t think anyone else is really reading my ranking, I’m just gonna say that I’m definitely going to the championship and only see Mars Blackmon’s Best as potential competition. Although, I will admit that I have been lucky having the least points scored against me. But still. I am only 2 points in a ridiculous week 4 away from being an undefeated team. That’s solid.

# 2 What’s Defense (6-0) - Creighton - 51

The 6-0 start, and Durantulas luck with the least points scored against him, gives What’s Defense the edge. But while a very good team, the perfect record is misleading as four of his 6 wins came by 5 points, 8 points, 1 point, and 10 points. In a not very different world, What’s Defense is 2-4. But it is still a solid team and is living up to its #1 preseason ranking. He’ll stay strong through the season, but will continue to have a bloated record. I predict this week he gets his first loss against Pippen, but then playing 3 of the 4 lowest teams will inflate him up to 9-1. And if he beats Pippen, we’re looking at a solid 10-0 team. But I think we won’t truly see how good Defense is until playoff time, when the small margins he’s been winning by should go away over a two week game.

# 1 Mars Blackmon’s Best (4-2) - Sean - 58

Even though he is just 4-2, Mars Blackmon’s Best is a beastly team, and definitely the best so far this season. 3 times he’s been in the top 2 scoring teams, and twice he was the #1 scoring team. He has the most overall points scored by more than 100, and hasn’t had too much luck with opposing team’s scoring. The two losses, also, should not be a concern as one was against the streaky I Took A Pill In Ariza, and the other was this week’s ridiculous blowout from Carry on my Hayward son. Blackmon put up the second most points this past week, and any other week would have gotten a W. This team scares me, and not just because the team’s logo is a black man, though that is a nice touch. But the average for a player on this team is 18.7 points a game. That’s insane. That’s better than 70% of the players on the worst 3 teams in our league. And that’s his player average! Mars Blackmon’s Best is definitely the team to beat and the team to fear.

After looking at these rankings, I realized that there is an important theme found. Of the bottom 6 teams, 4 of them have or are expecting babies. I offer the theory that parenthood (somehow) affects a fantasy owner’s concentration and performance. And don’t worry about the teams that don’t follow this pattern. Sam, who is not ranked in the bottom 6, clearly doesn’t love his baby as much as the other people. Austin, who is ranked #7 also doesn’t bust my theory. I’ve played basketball against Austin, and he gets quite physical, pushing his backside into me in all sorts of inappropriate and scary ways. So, I’m just saying, with how physical he is on the court, he may very well be pregnant himself. And Taylor being ranked #9 just means one thing: Tay has a secret gf and is in fact a Seattle baby daddy. Proud of you Tayee. I knew you had it in you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBa-4X0LBjk

Preseason Power Rankings - Basketball 2016-2017

Courtesy of Dustin Jensen

The draft has come and gone and 11 teams are ready for a butt-whooping from Stockton’s Short Shorts yet again.  Obviously these rankings are completely arbitrary and I’m sure the regular season will be way different than these projections, but I gave it my best shot.  Here we go, best to worst

1.Team Hardy

This team may have the most actual ppg in the league.  Harden, Walker, Thomas, Parsons, Gallinari, Faried?!?  This team would be a chemistry mess in real life but fantasy will reward you handsomely for such a haul.  I also reward you, with a generous 16-0 projection.  Haha, no.  Let’s go with 11-5.  I’m really high on this team.  Obviously.

2. Team Rockwood III  (sean)

Come on with these Rockwood team names! You Rockwoods better change up team names this week because it’s a mess to figure out who’s who.   Anyway, a roster with Thompson, George, Bledsoe, and Jabari??? That’s pretty good drafting right there.  Then you see Steve Nash.  Well other than that I would say Rockwood III did pretty all-right.  Also took the gamble with Davis.  IIIIInterseting.  10-6

3. Stockton’s Short Shorts

I felt that the draft went pretty well for me other than getting robbed of Hayward for the second straight season.  Come on Dane!  Lillard is a classic great player on a mediocre team so he’ll be playing out of his mind to get the Blazers going.  Millsap is a beast, Oladipo is an incredibly under-valued player that will be scoring well this season, and who doesn’t love Wiggins?  Throw in some solid bench help with Hood, Matthews, Lyles, and I think this team is solid.  Beware.  I’m throwing out a prediction for 10-6 for my team. 

4. Team Jones

If I had a spirit team, this would be it.  Rudy, Leonard, Wall, Gobert, Porzingis, Wade, the French Rejection, Zach Randolph, The Stifle Tower.  Great team.  I like Randolph because he’s a diesel.  He won’t be speeding through the season, but he’ll be steady and consistent for you getting you points every week, even off the bench.  Wall, Leonard and Porzingis, that’s a sexy top 3.  9-7.

5. Team Call

Steph Curry won me fantasy basketball last year.  Sorry to say it, he will not be the same player this year.  Nobody has taken more shots than Durant over the past 10 years, and that will absolutely knock down Steph’s stats a little.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a top 10 pick, but he’s no #1.  This team is pretty stacked by the time you factor in Curry, Butler, Horford (Tyler thought about taking him #1, I just know it), and the caveman’s clean-cut twin.  I wonder how Marvelous Marvin will do this season as he exploded out of nowhere last year.  I predict that Randle and Harris will be incredibly valuable, or in f.a. in 5 weeks.  9-7

6. Scottie is not Tranquil

Tyler, Tyler, Tyler.  Everyone knows I have continuously gone to bat for Tyler even if he does flaunt his fantasy skills a bit too much #rankedHimselfFirstinFootball.  Tyler will have a great regular season with Lebron, Anthony, Booker, Drummond…but look at it this way.  Lebron and Anthony are both going to be limiting minutes into the season preparing for a post-season berth, Michael Carter-Williams has played a grand total of 190/328 possible games, and Mike Conley can only go down from where he’s been the last three seasons.  Tyler will have a good season though, so I’ll still rank him with a 9-7 record.

7. Team Rockwood (Maraika)

Rockwood got who would have been my #1 pick, Westbrook.  Did Durant make things easier for Westbrook?  Yes.  Will Westbrook struggle more than last year getting open shots? Yes.  Will he score more?  YES.  This guy is just chomping at the bit to pad his stats and Team Rockwood will be the benefactor.  I see a .500 team with a good supporting cast (but not great) of Gasol, Aldridge (who is in trade talks), Ariza, Reddick, and an emotionally scarred Iguodala.  7-9

8. Believeland Miracles

Magic fairy farts certainly does believe in miracles if he thinks drafting Antekumposnoounmpojoko, Whiteside, DeRozan, Batum and Nowitzki as a starting 5 will get you a plethora of W’s in a 12 team league.  Nowitzki scares me a bit.  I’d rather have Thaddeus Young, Jabari Parker, or Brandon Knight than Dirk, and all 3 were still available.  Between Dirk, Chandler, Korver, your team better have a good AARP plan in place.  Prediction: 7-9

9. Team Smith 

Deandre is a safer pick this year now that hack-a-jordan rules are in place (ridiculous).  He will invariable have a high fg% because, like Gobert, the dunk is his best friend.  Durant, Love, Kanter, and…Rondo?  Tristan Thompson?  I can’t quite peg how I feel about this team.  On one hand, Kanter has a great fantasy game, Durant will score a lot, as will Jordan.  On the other hand who knows how Rondo will do?  He hasn’t been emotionally stable since…… We’ll see how this team performs but I smell <.500.  7-9

10. Team Jacobson

Jerk.  I don’t know what makes me madder, the fact I didn’t get Hayward, or the fact that this team needs Hayward more than mine would.  The emotional Lesbian was drafted at the 11 slot.  I hate him so much.  Anyway, other than he-who-must-control-his-temper, this team looks pretty decent.  I think a Lowry, Hayward, Lesbian, and Teague will do well for you this season.  Having a hard time pegging the team at 8-8 or 7-9 though.  I’ll go with 7-9….mostly because I don’t really like a Williams, Jefferson, Ingram, Gordon bench.

11. Team Rockwood (alec)

I wondered how far Carroll would fall from his projected spot in the 90’s.  Rockwood took the bait, and added Carroll to a team with great talent in Paul, Green and Favors.  Nothing on this roster really screams “I’m going to be over .500 this season!”.  I hate to say it but Favors has been injury prone and may not even start tomorrow, Carroll is being used incorrectly in Toronto, and do I need to waste my fingers typing about Rose?  I’m projecting a 6-10 finish. 

12. Team Debaltzo

Lots of gambling on this roster.  If Blake Griffin can manage the temperament of somebody half his age and Anthony-Towns meets expectations you have a shot at winning each week.  I’d rank you above .500 …except for two things.  I really hate Lin, Noah, and Dragic.  Fournier has stuipid hair too.  I literally can’t look past all of that.  For somebody who put personal biases aside and left Kanter on my roster all season long, I just can’t.  I’m sorry.

4-12

Week 5 Bang For Your Buck Power Rankings

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

As you guys know, I’m sort of obsessed with turning fantasy into statistical analysis. Well, for this week’s power rankings I decided to do them based on Draft Value. This means I have organized every player into the order they were drafted (by position), and subtracted their current position rank by their position draft order.

For example, the Cardinals were the 8^th Defense drafted, and their current position rank is 3, giving them a draft value of 5. Conversely, The Jets were the 14^th Defense drafted, and their current position rank is 21, giving them a draft value of -7. See attached spreadsheet.

Now, I know that people have dropped players, and I considered negating the draft value of dropped players. However, I wanted to analyze draft success, so the power rankings are based on that.*

Put simply, I’m getting at how much bang for your buck each team got in the draft.

*However, for anyone’s enjoyment, I did rank the teams by draft value if you count dropped players. In those rankings, the dropped players’ draft values were removed from the Team Draft Value, and the added players’ draft values were added to the Team Draft Value (each undrafted player was considered drafted 1 after the total number of players at that position drafted. For example, 70 wide receivers were drafted so any undrafted player is considered to have been drafted 71^st). As you can see, those bring many of the Team Draft Value (entitled Current Value) into the positives and shakes up the rankings.

            With no further ado, I give you this week’s Bang For Your Buck Power Rankings:

12. Duke Nuke 'Em

Team Draft Value: -272

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Latavius Murray, 19 (Draft Position: 20), Theo Riddick, 19 (Draft Position: 42)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Bruce Ellington, -85 (Draft Position: 55).

            At a 2-2 record, Duke Nuke ‘Em isn’t feeling too bad. However, the team definitely paid the most in terms of draft picks. Only 3 of Duke’s players had a draft value higher than zero, and Duke’s lower round picks were all busts, as Duke drafted the 55^th, 60^th, and 65^th Wide Receivers who have an average draft value of -55.33. Duke has dropped Ellington, the biggest bust (which admittedly was assisted by injury), and has dropped two other players, which has brought Duke’s Current Value to being ranked 9^th in the league. With some more pickups, or possibly some surprises from these wide receivers, Duke could quickly turn this around.

11. HGH You Feel So Good

Team Draft Value: -225

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Will Fuller V, 45 (Draft Position: 52)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Josh Gordon, -104 (Draft Position: 36)

            Although HGH got one of the best values in the draft, drafting Will Fuller as the 52^nd Wide Receiver in the draft, the HUGE mistake of picking up Josh Gordon really hurt his draft value. Everyone knew he’d be out at some point because, let’s be honest, homeboy should’ve starred in Pineapple Express. HGH is also 0-4 this season, correlation?!?

10. Brady Gaga

Team Draft Value: -206

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Isaiah Crowll, 36 (Draft Position: 40)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Kamar Aiken, -79 (Draft Position: 51)

            Brady Gaga didn’t seem to make any huge mistakes, other than naming her team after a player she doesn’t have. Kamar Aiken was a bust, but the bigger bust appears to be Thomas Rawls, who Gaga drafted relatively high but was just lost due to injury. However, with a 3-1 record, I’m sure Gaga will just ignore these rankings J.

9. The Ezek-a Virus

Team Draft Value: -195

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Emmanuel Sanders, 17 (Draft Position: 27)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Randall Cobb, -60 (Draft Position: 21)

            Zeke is another squad that didn’t seem to make any huge mistakes, but also didn’t really have any success in high draft value players. Sanders has a value of 17, but beyond him Zeke’s players either hover around 0 or in the -30s. Perhaps Zeke would have a higher team value if he had taken more risks on draft day, as the only players he drafted late in their respective positions were Paul Perkins and Andy Dalton, neither being a major bust or success. In the future, take some risks mate, you gotta have faith.

8. Team DeBaltzo

Team Draft Value: -170

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Terrelle Pryor, 54 (Draft Position: 69)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Donte Moncrief, -59 (Draft Position: 25)

            I love team DeBaltzo for a multitude of non-football reasons, but my favorite thing about the squad is that they took my absolute favorite draft pick. Terrelle Pryor was drafted late and has been nothing but a success. As a faithful Cleveland fan, I can humbly admit that they are so good at losing that it’s almost a talent. However, Pryor has been such a highlight, he even showed up Redskins’ great Josh Norman. Apart from Pryor, Terrance West was an amazing pickup as the 57^th RB drafted (with a draft value of 33). Other than those two, however, the draft didn’t work out as hoped for for DeBaltzo, as the only other player with a positive draft value is Ryan Mathews at 3. DeBaltzo hasn’t made any free agent pickups yet, so that could be key to improving her 12^th place current value.

7. Mo' Manning Mo' Problems

Team Draft Value: -169

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Sammie Coates, 16 (Draft Position: 61)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson, -79 (Draft Position: 1)

            I almost feel bad that Manning is this low, because no one predicted AP to be one of the running backs injured this year. Having your first pick be your biggest bust is going to hurt, but Manning can recover. In fact, Manning has already replaced 6 of his draft picks, giving him the highest current value at 104. Way to take lemons and make lemonade. Now we just hope that can improve the 1-3 record.

6. Vontae Mack No Matter What

Team Draft Value: -140

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Tyrell Williams, 34 (Draft Position: 68)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Sammy Watkins, -91 (Draft Position: 12).

            As with many of the teams, Vontae Mack’s biggest bust was a result of an injury to a high draft pick. Mack’s biggest success, however, was his last pick of the draft Tyrell Williams. Injuries to Keenan Allen and Antonio Gates have clearly benefitted Williams, but with Allen out the rest of the season, this could be Williams’ year to get a lot of targets from Phil Rivers. As for the rest of the team, the return of Tyler Eifert and Antonio gates should both have a significant of Mack’s Team Draft Value in coming weeks.

5. Knee High Gronk Socks

Team Draft Value: -97

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Michael Crabtree, 33 (Draft Position: 38)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Jamaal Charles, -95 (Draft Position: 8)

            Out for the beginning of the season, it is no surprise that Jamaal Charles is Knee High’s least valuable pick of the draft. He only had two carries for 7 yards last week against Pittsburgh, but Knee High should be prepared for a righteous comeback. More of a surprise was the team’s namesake, Mr. Rob Gronkowski, being injured in the beginning of the season. However, just like Charles, Gronk should be back and has best quarterback in the league* throwing to him starting this week. With Knee High’s two worst draft value players coming off injuries, Knee High is likely to have the highest team draft value by the end of the season.

*Because Peyton’s gone, Tyler.

4. Ebron Two Step

Team Draft Value: -91

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Chris Ivory, 27 (Draft Position 35)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Keenan Allen, -90 (Draft Position: 13)

E2S amazes me because of the quantity of players with a draft value above 0 (10). That is the highest number of positive draft values and has been crucial to E2S’s 1^st place standing in the East. However, I expect this to plummet as E2S has had the most injured draft picks this season, as Corey Coleman, Keenan Allen, Shane Vereen, and Danny Woodhead are all injured. Allen was the only player of these drafted in the first 6 rounds, but injuries will still hurt. Both Vereen and Coleman currently have positive draft values, and both should go negative soon as Coleman is out for 4-6 weeks and Vereen may only possibly return by season end. Let’s see if E2S can overcome these injuries like the Vikings and be a fantasy championship contender.

3. Will You Teach Me to Football

Team Draft Value: -88

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Steve Smith Sr., 26 (Draft Position: 53)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Dez Bryant, -51 (Draft Position: -51)

            Of course a team whose own name admits their naivety has one of the most successful drafts. Isn’t it Ironic? I don’t have much to say here, Cre Cre did a good job. There were no major successes, but with a Dez Bryant injury (we think?!?) being your only high-pick bust, that’s not a bad start to the season.

2. Goodell’s Third Reich

Team Draft Value: -63

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Willie Snead, 20 (Draft Position: 43)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Tevin Coleman, -60 (Draft Position: 43)

            Second in number of players with a positive draft value only to E2S, GTR is an amazing squad. More importantly, the team name makes me happy. Because of this, and this, and this, and this. I’m sorry, what was I doing here again?

1. Team Who’s Ur Daddy?

Team Draft Value: -33

Most Valuable Draft Pick: Mike Wallace, 41 (Draft Position: 58)

Least Valuable Draft Pick: Jonathan Stewart, -62 (Draft Position: 13)

            Well Done. Who’s Ur Daddy had four players with a draft value over 26. More importantly, those players were Spencer Ware (52^nd RB drafted), Marvin Jones (33^rd WR drafted), Kenny Stills (57^th WR drafted), and Mike Wallace (58^th WR drafted). As another comparison, every player drafted in the 11^th Round or later by Who’s Ur Daddy had a draft value greater than or equal to zero. Late picks is where you make or break in fantasy, and despite Who’s Ur Daddy’s current 1-3 record, I think this will be a good season. More importantly, even if Cam Newton gets 5,000 concussions this season, Tom Brady is back. The end.

2016 Baseball Finals Preview - Michigan Cougars

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

          I woke up this morning, printed out a picture of Joe Buck Yourself’s lineup, took it to my backyard, and peed on it. Why? Two reasons:

1.  His roster was not worthy of being inside my toilet, let alone my house.

2.  I’m the MOTHER#$%@%^& ALPHA!

            Although the Cougars limped along this past contest to barely beat CQB, the squad is finally healthy. With the impending return of Steven Matz this week, the Cougars will have a completely healthy squad for the first time in months. Although the Cougars scored over 100 points less than Joe Buck Yourself last week, we saw one clear thing: the Cougars can win. They were able to clinch the much tougher Western Division (note: both teams in the finals are from the western division and 3 of the four teams in the semifinals were from the Western Division) and are poised and ready to fight.

            Joe Buck Yourself has been nearly unstoppable in the playoffs, beating Pitches Be Crazy in the highest scoring matchup of the season and then decimating a solid Wok It Out. However, Joe Buck Yourself’s confidence in the team has wavered consistently. To reveal some quotes from the Night Terrors team manager J. Tyler Cook has been having thinking about the matchup:

-  “PLEASE STOP STRIKING OUT!”

-  “WHY DID ALL MY PLAYERS GET INJURED?!?”

-  “I’LL NEVER HAVE SEX BEFORE SAM CASTRATES ME IN THIS MATCHUP!”

Don’t worry kiddo, the Mayo Clinic says you’ll grow out of them someday ;).

Some key players to watch make-it-or-break-it for the Cougars:

David Price: An electrifying pitcher when on, David Price has a huge upside and a huge downside. Key to a Cougars’ win this week will be whether Price can maintain high scoring games without dropping any big ones.

Relievers: All of the relievers on the Cougars have proven valuable assets, with them averaging 4.6 points per game. As long as these players get save opportunities, they will deliver, as they have converted 24 save opportunities in the past month with only blowing 3. They rely on close games, but if presented with an opportunity, they can do wonders for the Cougars.

Mike Trout: Because find any proof anywhere that he’s not the greatest hitter in baseball and should not be MVP every year.

So why will I win? I want it more, I deserve it more, and because I AM MORE. Try again next year pal.

2016 Baseball Finals Preview - Joe Buck Yourself

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook

Charlotte is dead, Dane is in a dumpster somewhere, and now the mighty Joe Buck Yourselves have their eyes set on the prize with only Sam Debaltzo in my way. Sam must be shaking in his boots with nightmares of Hanley Ramirez and Joey Votto batting the way that they are. Kind of interesting that my three biggest haters and fantasy rivals are Charlotte, Dane and Sam. Well, this couldn’t be working out more perfectly could it? Was I sad my buddy Dustin didn’t make it to the championship? Sure. But there is something poetic about avenging my friend by taking down the last of my three greatest enemies.

Many of you have treated me as if I were a villain in the league this year. But the bottom line is you made me that way. I just wanted to be one of the guys, playing baseball with my bros. I just wanted to be accepted. But when some friendly smack-talk (defacing Sam and Charlotte’s wedding invitation) got blown out of proportion, a target was put on my back. I’ve been called a BBB Bond in AAA clothing or something like that, a phony, even Maraika Rockwood commented on a post piling on. I knew the time of friendship had ended, and I knew I had to become the monster you thought I was. Well congratulations league, a monster you have created. Like Victor Frankenstein, this monster has grown too strong and powerful to be stopped by your mere mortal teams. When will you learn to not poke the sleeping, pacified bear?

So why will I beat Sam? Why will I win yet another fantasy championship? Derek Jeter (Yuck) once said that the best teams don’t win championships, the hottest teams do. Well lucky for me my team is the best and hottest so kind of a double whammy. I’d like to highlight four reasons directly:

1.  Hanley Ramirez – Wow what a pick by Tyler late in the draft. A personal favorite Hanley single handedly swept the Yankees this week with 9 hits in 4 games including 4 Home Runs. Over his last 21 games, Hanley has 12 Homers and 29 RBIs. Talk about a hot streak.

2.  Joey Votto – Four for Four with a homer yesterday, Votto has been the best player in baseball since the all-star break. All the guy does is get on base, and has some power to boot. Hitting over 400 the past month and the league leader in On Base Percentage. Like Hanley, Votto is peaking at the right time.

3.  Gary Sanchez – He is batting .327 with 16 homers, which are good season numbers for someone of his position. But here is the catch (nailed it), he has only been playing since AUGUST. The guy hits three homers a week for me, and is the second fastest player to hit 16 career homers since 1900. What an advantage in a relatively weak position.

4.  My Closers – Yeah Sam has some good closers too, but my guys are just better and of a more diverse cultural background. My starters are good enough (Thanks to Jon Grays Complete Game Shut Out with 16 K’s on Saturday) and I’ll be hosting yet another fantasy trophy over my head come seasons end.

As far as fantasy baseball goes, we have done well this year. But being the villain, this league wants me in the championship. They NEED me in the championship. I’m everyone's favorite bad guy, but this isn’t a fairy tale. Sam is about to learn the lesson that nice guys finish last, and good guys don’t always win.

Football Preseason Power Rankings 2016

Preseason Power Rankings

Basketball, fun. Baseball is cool. But fantasy football is like the Rose Bowl… the “Grand Daddy of Them All.” Or as you guys should know it as, “The quest for second place.” Hey, there ain’t no shame in being second best. As the best looking person in this league, league champion, and league commissioner it is safe to say that my opinions are essentially facts. So with that in mind, here is the definitive list of whose team is good and whose team is bad for this year. Just like I nailed Dane sucking at fantasy baseball, I will nail this years football picks. I didn’t try and make this funny, just a brief rundown of how I see things happening this year. Gift of prophecy my friends, read about it.

12. Dane Jacobson – The fantasy sports Dane cycle, I hate on dane’s draft, Dane proves me wrong, we become fantasy enemies. Lather, rinse, repeat. That being said Dane had some intriguing choices to say the least, and I actually really respect it. Maybe Cam Newton was ranked 30, but Dane took him 5. Smart or dumb, I actually really respect someone who has their own strategy. I mean, Cam led the league in points last year. However, doubling down and taking Brady a few rounds later is a ballsy choice. I think Doug Martin is due to regress, but Dane’s problem is depth. Marvin Jones, Jacob Tamme, and Ameer Abdullah starting will just not cut it. They should all essentially be bench players. However, if he can fetch something for Cam or Brady he could rocket up.

11. Sam Debaltzo – Depth depth depth depth. That is the name of this game, and while most teams are top heavy, it is the WR3 and Flex positions that make or break a team. Bottom line, Michael Thomas a starting receiver is a massive liability, and his massive army of tight ends will not make up for that (unless he trades). However, these rankings assume no trades so sorry Sammy boy. That being said, love the Big Ben – Antonio Brown combo, and Watkins highest one of the highest upsides in the league. Intriguing.

10. Austin Jones – Drafting with Austin was amazing, as he hated his own picks maybe one second after clicking the submit button. His team is essentially all broncos and ex-broncos. I actually think his team is just solid across the board, with AP and Jordy being the only potential stars. That being said, having Yeldon (A Jaguars backup) starting is not good. Rest of his team is extremely dependable and I think he just has a high floor – low ceiling squad.

9. Creighton Hardy – Creighton has an extremely fascinating receiving corps, as they are solid yardage high TD type guys. The classic debate is Yards vs TDs, and in this case, I’m worried that Baldwin, Dez, and Benjamin will not score as much as they have previously healthy years. Rashad Jennings at flex is meh and I’m low on Freeman. However, Langford and Fleener were great picks late. If Creighton checks, this team can make some noise.

8. Sean Rockwood – Probably the best receiving corps in the league, just an absurd trio of Julio, Evans and Allen. However, the rest of his team leaves a lot to be desired. I’m not sure if Murray is even the best RB on his own team, and the Woodhead/Gordon combo should be solid but difficult to play them both at once (as his lineup currently indicates). If Ivory can bust out and stay healthy, he vaults up the rankings.

7. Charlotte Debaltzo – Like her team, very solid top to bottom. Beckham is a sure-fire star, and she has no major weak spots. Ryan Matthews is made of glass though, and Zach Ertz has been all potential no production. Solid team, middle of the pack.

6. Dustin Jensen – Maybe I’m biased because I love Dustin, but this is more a reflection of him as a fantasy competitor than his team. What I love about Dustin is he cares and he is competitive. He has a healthy pride that vaults his team and makes him get every ounce out of them. I think Hurns regresses and Gio Bernard may be a weak spot, but Dustin will find a way to make this team a playoff team.

5. Corry Smith – Corry probably takes the mantle as the person who took most of the players I wanted. Foster and Jordan Reed both fell way further than they should have. Outside of Sean, he probably has the best receivers in the league (better if you include Flex) and his RB’s are solid. However, what he lacks is depth. The things with these rankings is they assume health, and with Arian Foster (and maybe even Murray), that is a risky proposition. If one of them gets hurt (and I think one will) it will cripple him without waiver wire savvy.

4. Taylor Call – Arguably the meanest most evil person I have ever met, Taylor is always deemed as a nice, sweet kid by you brainless idiots. I don’t know how he has pulled the wool over your eyes all these years, but I may not be kidding when I say he was my college bully. That being said, I love his team. Gronk is absurdly good and a huge advantage, Charles and Forte are older but so dependable, and Cooks, Fitzgerald and Crabtree are just solid across the board. Duke Johnson has upside at the flex, and I think his team is just a better version of Austins.

3. Maraika Rockwood – She has great depth, Rawls as her THIRD RB, and young WRs that have had solid years who I project to be better (Brown and Lockett). Brees and David Johnson were both STEALS at their draft position and I think she did a great job of taking what she was given. Torry Smith on the bench will end up being a steal, and probably will start for her by the end of the year. Depth, High Floor and High Upside… good work.

2. Alec Rockwood – The best RB’s in the league bar none in Lamar Miller and Zeke Elliot, Alec has a great team (if he actually checks). Hilton, Cobb and Sanders are all just tiny fast black guys who rack up yards and have QB upgrades this year that will benefit them even more, and Rivers is a gunslinger. Floyd and Barnidge are solid at the end of the lineup and Ajayi and Forsett are solid backups. One of the best benches in the league.

1. Tyler Cook – Death, taxes, and me ranking myself first in fantasy sports. My team motto is “Who needs a qb” as I have just absurd depth at RB and WR. Leveon Bell is the best player in fantasy when not suspended, Josh Gordon was the best WR in fantasy when he last played, and I have just absurd depth. I project a slow start as my best players return, but once unsuspended my team will take off. I can figure out QB and TE later as I’ll prob trade off my backups for functional starters. Can’t wait to beat ya’ll again this year.