2016 Baseball Finals Preview - Michigan Cougars

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

          I woke up this morning, printed out a picture of Joe Buck Yourself’s lineup, took it to my backyard, and peed on it. Why? Two reasons:

1.  His roster was not worthy of being inside my toilet, let alone my house.

2.  I’m the MOTHER#$%@%^& ALPHA!

            Although the Cougars limped along this past contest to barely beat CQB, the squad is finally healthy. With the impending return of Steven Matz this week, the Cougars will have a completely healthy squad for the first time in months. Although the Cougars scored over 100 points less than Joe Buck Yourself last week, we saw one clear thing: the Cougars can win. They were able to clinch the much tougher Western Division (note: both teams in the finals are from the western division and 3 of the four teams in the semifinals were from the Western Division) and are poised and ready to fight.

            Joe Buck Yourself has been nearly unstoppable in the playoffs, beating Pitches Be Crazy in the highest scoring matchup of the season and then decimating a solid Wok It Out. However, Joe Buck Yourself’s confidence in the team has wavered consistently. To reveal some quotes from the Night Terrors team manager J. Tyler Cook has been having thinking about the matchup:

-  “PLEASE STOP STRIKING OUT!”

-  “WHY DID ALL MY PLAYERS GET INJURED?!?”

-  “I’LL NEVER HAVE SEX BEFORE SAM CASTRATES ME IN THIS MATCHUP!”

Don’t worry kiddo, the Mayo Clinic says you’ll grow out of them someday ;).

Some key players to watch make-it-or-break-it for the Cougars:

David Price: An electrifying pitcher when on, David Price has a huge upside and a huge downside. Key to a Cougars’ win this week will be whether Price can maintain high scoring games without dropping any big ones.

Relievers: All of the relievers on the Cougars have proven valuable assets, with them averaging 4.6 points per game. As long as these players get save opportunities, they will deliver, as they have converted 24 save opportunities in the past month with only blowing 3. They rely on close games, but if presented with an opportunity, they can do wonders for the Cougars.

Mike Trout: Because find any proof anywhere that he’s not the greatest hitter in baseball and should not be MVP every year.

So why will I win? I want it more, I deserve it more, and because I AM MORE. Try again next year pal.

2016 Baseball Finals Preview - Joe Buck Yourself

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook

Charlotte is dead, Dane is in a dumpster somewhere, and now the mighty Joe Buck Yourselves have their eyes set on the prize with only Sam Debaltzo in my way. Sam must be shaking in his boots with nightmares of Hanley Ramirez and Joey Votto batting the way that they are. Kind of interesting that my three biggest haters and fantasy rivals are Charlotte, Dane and Sam. Well, this couldn’t be working out more perfectly could it? Was I sad my buddy Dustin didn’t make it to the championship? Sure. But there is something poetic about avenging my friend by taking down the last of my three greatest enemies.

Many of you have treated me as if I were a villain in the league this year. But the bottom line is you made me that way. I just wanted to be one of the guys, playing baseball with my bros. I just wanted to be accepted. But when some friendly smack-talk (defacing Sam and Charlotte’s wedding invitation) got blown out of proportion, a target was put on my back. I’ve been called a BBB Bond in AAA clothing or something like that, a phony, even Maraika Rockwood commented on a post piling on. I knew the time of friendship had ended, and I knew I had to become the monster you thought I was. Well congratulations league, a monster you have created. Like Victor Frankenstein, this monster has grown too strong and powerful to be stopped by your mere mortal teams. When will you learn to not poke the sleeping, pacified bear?

So why will I beat Sam? Why will I win yet another fantasy championship? Derek Jeter (Yuck) once said that the best teams don’t win championships, the hottest teams do. Well lucky for me my team is the best and hottest so kind of a double whammy. I’d like to highlight four reasons directly:

1.  Hanley Ramirez – Wow what a pick by Tyler late in the draft. A personal favorite Hanley single handedly swept the Yankees this week with 9 hits in 4 games including 4 Home Runs. Over his last 21 games, Hanley has 12 Homers and 29 RBIs. Talk about a hot streak.

2.  Joey Votto – Four for Four with a homer yesterday, Votto has been the best player in baseball since the all-star break. All the guy does is get on base, and has some power to boot. Hitting over 400 the past month and the league leader in On Base Percentage. Like Hanley, Votto is peaking at the right time.

3.  Gary Sanchez – He is batting .327 with 16 homers, which are good season numbers for someone of his position. But here is the catch (nailed it), he has only been playing since AUGUST. The guy hits three homers a week for me, and is the second fastest player to hit 16 career homers since 1900. What an advantage in a relatively weak position.

4.  My Closers – Yeah Sam has some good closers too, but my guys are just better and of a more diverse cultural background. My starters are good enough (Thanks to Jon Grays Complete Game Shut Out with 16 K’s on Saturday) and I’ll be hosting yet another fantasy trophy over my head come seasons end.

As far as fantasy baseball goes, we have done well this year. But being the villain, this league wants me in the championship. They NEED me in the championship. I’m everyone's favorite bad guy, but this isn’t a fairy tale. Sam is about to learn the lesson that nice guys finish last, and good guys don’t always win.