“I love me some me” – Terrell Owens
One of my favorite athlete quotes of all time and the theme
of this power rankings. With baseball upon us and basketball and football recently
ending (Congrats Corry and Dustin once again) we now turn our attention to
fantasy baseball. As your defending champ I have taken the liberty of creating
this power ranking, comparing each team to a physical aspect of my amazing*
body. With baseball and my body being the two things I think about the most it
makes perfect sense.
*Average to below average
Spoiler Alert: It is
sad that I have to even mention this but I know how much of degenerates my
friends are. I will NOT be comparing any
team to my penis. This is meant to be a mature investigation into myself that
corresponds with predictions in the league. Please get your minds out of the
gutter and read this with the seriousness in which I wrote it.
12. Sean Rockwood – Bautized unto rePencetance
Tyler Body Part – My balls
Inexperienced? Check (Marte, Hamilton, Berrios). Unknown?
Check (Kingery, Margot, Bundy). Upside? Check (Seager, Machado). Don’t function
like they should? Check (Realmulto, Turner, Brantley all on DL). The
comparisons are eerie. Like my friends downstairs, I am hoping this team
surprises me with something special everytime I wake up in the morning but like
my friends downstairs, I won’t be surprised when I’m disappointed. In related
news, if you can get over the fact I just compared a fantasy baseball team to
mis huevos down under I am currently willing to be set up with any of your
single friends. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Ok well in that case
we’ll move on.
11. Taylor Call – Billy Beane
Tyler Body Part – My Butt
I don’t get man butts or if girls find them hot or not (I
mean obviously Danee and Charlotte don’t but speculating about the women
population in its entirety). I’d consider myself a relatively athletic guy and
feel like my butt and my ability to squat should reflect that but have been
left wanting. A similar feeling comes over me when I see Taylor’s team.
Taylor’s pitching flat out STINKS, and the rankings misled Tay into thinking
Trea Turner was going to be a great fantasy player this year (steals inflate players
value way too much). His team is caught in a HAIRY situation, similar to my
post chipotle dingleberries. Like my butt, I can talk myself into it becoming
an ASSett down the road but I just don’t see it yet.
10. Creighton Hardy – All Braun no Brains
Tyler’s Body Part – My Eyes
Now anybody who knows me knows I hate my eyes a whole bunch.
I prefer women who tend to have blue/greenish eyes that I can just swim in.
Unfortunately, when I admire myself in the mirror I always find it ironic that
the very tools which enable me to see and admire are so hideous in myself.
Brown eyes? You know what else is brown? You guessed it… chocolate. And I HATE chocolate. Creighton’s
team has some players I like (Correa and Bryant back to back to start the draft
was stellar) but I foreSEE disappointment with how the rest of his team ROUNDS
out. Creighton has other things that will be preoccupying his time relatively
soon, and that given his recent history of not checking for a whole season
makes me concerned for his fantasy prospects going forward. I will be grateful
if Creighton checks this year, like I’m grateful for the functioning aspects of
my eyes, but unfortunately I don’t think his team will offer much more than
that. Congrats on the engagement again though my friend!
9. Charlotte DeBaltzo – Pitches be Crazy
Tyler’s Body Part – My Facial Hair
Charlotte’s team looks pretty solid and filled out at first
glance, but upon further investigation I see a lot of things missing (just like
the bald part right underneath my nose that won’t let me complete my mustache.
I’m like the reverse Hitler and I hate it). Charlotte has some awesome
starters, but outside of Rizzo and Donaldson I’m not exactly infatuated with
her lineup (I tend to favor hitters greatly). There will be days her team looks
great (like my scruff stage days 3-5 after shaving) but outside of these rare
moments she is going to have to focus on maintaining and playing the waiver
wire. If she goes a while without checking, her team’s patchiness will become
more exposed and lead to constant harassment from friends, families, and every
once in a while complete strangers which will lead her to wonder if she is
really even a man… sorry I interjected myself there. I mean screw puberty… hey
thanks for the cracked voice and insane hormones but you couldn’t have tossed
me some sexy facial hair? GTFO puberty.
8. Danee Smith – No Way Jose
Tyler’s Body Part – My Hands
Danee is still new to fantasy, but her passion is shining.
She wants to hold this new thing close to her fantasy like she wants to hold
relative strangers hands in the back of a friends pickup truck on a cool,
starry summer night. Like my hands, Danee’s team is relatively small (you know
what they say about small hands?**) with Altuve and Lindor carrying her lineup.
I like the balance on her team especially if she can find one more pitcher.
This team has some power (like my punches) and some toughness (like my coarse,
manly hands) but not exactly the upside you want in a real fantasy contender.
**That it’s tough to throw a spiral with small hands. See
NFL Combine.
7. Maraika Rockwood – Maraika Rockwood
Tyler’s Body Part – My Pecs (or where my pecs should be)
On a personal note, I finally reached my goal of benching
225 pounds (a long way from not being able to bench 95 as a high school
sophomore) but you know what sucks? I STILL HAVE NO FREAKING CHEST. I see these
dudes at the gym who bench half what I bench yet they look absolutely shredded
and it freaking sucks. What does this have to do with Maraika’s team? On paper,
I like them but there is just something missing (probably a better diet in my
case). I love her outfield (Schwarber and Beni both have great upside)… her IF
is very solid, and she has some decent pitchers. However, just like my chest
there is no depth (in the rotation especially). I like her team, just don’t
love it.
6. Dustin Jensen – Clown Question Bro
Tyler’s Body Part – My Arms
Why my arms? Cuz that is where my power comes from… Stanton,
Judge, Martinez, Cruz, and Encarnacion ALL hit over 38 homers last year! That
is insane! Talk about power and strength! His team has some bulk, some
definition and a decent enough rotation. If he finds another arm to round out
his rotation, he could jump up a couple spots. His team is home run or
strikeout so he will have a lot of volatility but I am a big fan of what Dustin
has on his squad this year and will not be surprised if he exceeds these
rankings.
5. Alec Rockwood – The Bay of Puigs Invasion
Tyler’s Body Part – My Lips
I have big, luscious lips. Don’t deny it, I know you guys
have thought about smooching these suckers. However, nobody looks at me and
says “Whoa look at his lips I want to date him.” Crazy right? I look at Alec’s
team and say that is nice but it’s not something I’m gonna drop my insanely
high standards for. Balance balance and more balance across the board. A two
start Kershaw week will be tough to beat, but I don’t see the upside to move
him up higher on this list. On a side note, him and Maraika both need a team
name change DRASTICALLY. Just like I need to use chap stick more (but like my
balls, my lips are relatively useless).
4. Dane J – Wok it Out
Tyler’s Body Part – My Hair
Fun fact about the Cooks, we have great heads of hair. I’m
talking not going bald ever type hair folks. And Dane’s team, like my hair, can
be impressive in so many ways. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to style it.
Dane is a smart guy, however, he has to figure out how to manage his squads to
get over that playoff hump. He is a contender every year, and this team has a good
rotation, closers, outfield and infield (hopefully Jose Ramirez stays legit).
My hair has volume, a good shine, solid hue of brown (unlike eyes the dark
brown works for me) and is a sneaky reason why women love me.*** Catch me a day
or two after a hair cut and you got a sexy beast on your hands, mismanage it
and forget that paumade? You looking gross. It’s up to Dane how far his team
goes.
*** Relatively ignore me
3. Sam DeBaltzo – Who Needs Hitters?
Tyler’s Body Part – My Heart
Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t really love Sam’s
team. As a matter of fact, when I think about it I don’t really love Sam
himself. However, when I focus on my feelings I know two things are true. Sam
will somehow have a good fantasy team, and I care for Sam deeply. It may defy
all logic, he may be loud and obnoxious and his lineup might as well have
Sister Jean up to bat, but it’ll somehow get good enough. Sam’s team always
ends the season with me wondering how he has every unknown guy on his team can
be outperforming expectations, just like a glance into his life and knowing
what I know of his face leaves me wondering how he could have such a cute baby
or somehow get Charlotte to marry him. Like many of life’s deepest mysteries, I
don’t need to know. I need to feel, and my gigantic heart says Sam will finish
with a great team.
2. Corry Smith – Shark Arenado
Tyler’s Body Part – My Brain
I have a huge brain. This is known. Easily the smartest,
wisest, wittiest person in this league and it is all because of my massive
brain. However, see the Sam paragraph and do the opposite. When I see Corry I
initially feel off… where are his lips? His butt? How can a big toe possibly
look like that? How can someone eat plain food every meal and not get sick of
it? But my brain recognizes Corry and his beautiful blue eyes as a loving,
sweet, gentle soul (No Homo****). I see Corry’s team, and my brain knows
Arenado will be a star, Eaton and Markakis while not super sexy are exactly the
type of players winning teams have, that his rotation is dirty. Corry had every
Indians pitcher last year, and he has every Astros pitcher this year. Not a bad
plan! Corry has been one step ahead in fantasy for the past year with a massive
hot streak, and we will see if this continues in baseball.
**** Definitely homo
1. Tyler Cook – Good, Better, Betts
Tyler’s Body Part – My Personality
Yes I know personality isn’t a body part. But how can I
possible describe my team using one part? My personality on the other hand has
seemingly infinite amount of strengths and no weaknesses. I mean, not to brag
but I was voted most humble in high school. Is ranking myself first humble? To
quote the recently demoted Elder Uchtdorf (ever heard of him?) “Humility isn’t
thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking less about yourself.” So I’m not going
to sit here and explain to you about how funny, smart, compassionate, humble,
sweet, merciful, spiritual, hardworking I am. I am obviously not thinking of
those things. But I will talk to you about how my lineup has no weaknesses
(every player outside my catcher had over 18 homers last year), my rotation has
the best pitcher in baseball (Chris Sale baby) and is managed by the most
shrewd person this league has ever seen. I’m the champ for a reason, and that
reason is I’m simply better than you guys. Don’t hate it, just embrace it as
fact because a fact it obviously is. This team is nearly identical to the
winning squad from last year! Barring any unforeseen deaths to star players, I
am going to win this year. Better luck next time!
