Championship Week
Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo:
Championship week is upon us.
We have a lot of absolutely irrelevant matchups (although the Michigan Cougars
will be doing their darnedest to win the totally unrecognized, imaginary third
place trophy; it’s just to show Charlotte I didn’t waste the past five months).
However, if anyone is seeking to make their insignificant match more exciting,
the Michigan Cougars and Lawrence Jr. Wombats have agreed to play this matchup
in a series of two-on-two games.
Well, two
matchups that do matter: First, the Crapstone™, our favorite imaginary trophy
(which we are hoping will materialize into a real trophy in the coming future).
Second, the Plain ol’ Crap™ looks to be a bitter battle between two teams that
we hope strap-up and fight out the battle of the bottom.
The Crapstone
Stockton’s Short Shorts
Why they’ll win: They are on a roll. S3 has not lost a game since WEEK 3!!! They had
a draw with Bad Karma Krew in Week 9 but have quite literally been unstoppable
since two quick losses in the beginning of the season. Even with the draw, they
are currently on a 10-game winning streak.
More important than anything else, in the words of J. Tyler
Cook: Dustin "is hellbent on winning.” That’s the spirit.
Why they’ll lose: It’s the end of the season. S3’s
top 6 players are all on teams headed to the playoffs, and 3 of them (DeMar
DeRozan, Stephen Curry, Enes Kanter) are on teams that have all-but set their
playoff position. S3 could take a hit if the coaches start to rest
these players. However, as Steph Curry and DeMar Rozan continue to play about
70 minutes each in every game, this could be a non-issue.
Team His Airness
Why they’ll win: They have won all season. They have a consistent
team and the quality trio of Kyle Lowry, Kawhi Leonard, and Jimmy Butler have
given them an awesome team. Even more, Giannis Antetokounmpo has been unstoppable
over the past 30 days.
More important than anything else, look at this face:
Why they’ll lose: Imagine what everyone says about the
Cavaliers and being the best in the Eastern Conference record. Sorry Team His
Airness, but being in the weaker conference with a weaker schedule means you
have to deal with everything the Cavs do. On another note, Kawhi Leonard has
now missed three games in a row, that has gotta hurt.
Projected Winner: Unfortunately for Team His Airness,
despite their continued success, they are in the same position as anyone who
faces Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors in the actual NBA this
season. That is, it is their job to prove that S3 can be beaten.
This should be a close matchup, but I give S3 the upper edge as they
have obliterated competition throughout the entire season whereas Team His
Airness has had a weak schedule that casts continual doubt on their ability to
excel.
Plain ol’ Crap
Courtesy of Dustin Jensen:
In what is sure to be the biggest
snooze fest since the Spurs Cavaliers Finals in 2007, Popovich Bears suits up
(at least partially) to face the equally unenthusiastic Big Daddy team. In researching the last time either team
actually tried to win, I am unsure Popovich Bear ever seriously tried to win
this season, if so, certainly not after week 3.
The three wins to Popovich Bear (3-16 including playoffs) were by a
combined 117 points. The 16 losses?
2885. As Gregg Popovich continues his
quest to land another Tim Duncan in the draft next season, Team Tank has shown
its determination by refusing to play 6/13 players. Danny Green and Tyreke Evans highlight this
dis-animated bench crew, and are planning a revolt.
Big Daddy’s Win total including
playoffs is at a robust 5-14 with a combined winning total of 454 and a loss
total of 1619. The biggest surprise here
is that Big Daddy actually won the first three matchups. Suddenly scared of success and effort, Big
Daddy promptly began to bench rebellious players and obliterate any hope at
relevance. Calls were made to hire a
coaching staff of Ty Corbin and Brian Shaw, only to find them too successful.
It’s almost sad to tell you that
one of these teams is going to win this week, and that a half–a’d effort put
forth to actually set a lineup for at least one of the weeks would surely
guarantee a victory. Can you imagine if
a coach told a player “just walk up and down the floor on half of the
possessions, try not to get in the way of your teammates, and we’ll certainly
get a win”. Who knows, maybe it will end
in a tie out of sheer spite.
Projected Winner: The only half tanking Big Daddy gets
the win (which in real life is like calling a life sentence mitigated to 40
years and then permanent parole a victory).
