Courtesy of Creighton Hardy:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . .
There were 12 teams duking it out for absolute supremacy in
the illustrious art of picking random athletes whose individual performance
they would suddenly care about for a longer than normal period of time,
otherwise known as Fantasy Baseball. Decisive victories had been won, heart
crushing losses suffered, all to determine who would gain much coveted bragging
rights, or just the opportunity to shut Tyler up for a little bit (Haters). All
of the team managers were masters of their Force(s), but it became apparent
that the balance was shifted in favor of those who were clearly more
knowledgeable of the skills necessary to be a Master Baseball Jedi (or just
really lucky in a lot of cases). In the eighth week of this legendary conflict,
12. Citizen Kane (Kylo Ren) (Previously 12)
Team Citizen Kane can be most easily compared to the brand
new Kylo Ren. While the team may be young, inexperienced, and misguided by a
complete lack of information about the true nature of his good old grandpa
Vadar, there is always time to come back to the light side. If only Citizen
Kane had the power to freeze some of those pitches the way Kylo freezes lasers,
they might be able to hit a few more of them.
11. Maraika Rockwood (Aayla Secura) (Previously 10)
She may be one of the only female Jedis on the council, but
she sure doesn’t act like it. Maraika Rockwood’s team is in the middle of the
fray week after week, not backing down from a fight just because her gender may
be in the minority. Mad props for that. However, they are going to have to
start turning things around in the coming weeks if they are going to avoid the
Order 66 that is to come at the end.
10. Clown Question Bro (Darth Maul) (Previously 11)
Don’t let the excessive makeup fool you, Clown Question Bro
is for reals in this tournament. Hidden beneath a hood of secrecy is a phantom
menace poised to attack when you least expect. Hopefully you are a little smarter
than the Republic and at least know he exists. If not prepare to receive a
double-ended lightsaber right through the belly.
9. Billy Beane (Ki-Adi mundi) (Previously 8)
Billy Beane had a big win this week and exemplified the
courage and leadership of Ki-Adi Mundi. Rather than having his thoughts dwell
on his mother, he went to work. As a
stone cold killer, he went to work as if it was the Battle of Mygeeto. But
watch out, Order 66 may very well be coming for you too.
8. The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Darth Sideous/ Emporor Palpatine) (Previously 9)
The Bay of Puigs Invasion may look like a mild mannered
political idealist, but it could be said that he is just orchestrating a
phenomenal rise to power like the evil Darth Sidious. His team might resemble a
human avocado husk, but make no mistake there is power hidden in that lineup
that will shock you if you’re not careful.
7. Pitches Be Crazy (Rey) (Previously 7)
Who knew that in the wastelands of Ann Arbor, a
manifestation of Fantasy Baseball Force could be found in the form of Pitches
Be Crazy? Just like Rey, this team finds themselves surprisingly powerful and
with a little training from E.T.’s mom, they might be able to access enough
hidden power to beat much more experienced combatants.
6. Bautized Unto Repencetance (Luke Skywalker) (Previously 6)
From humble beginnings, Bautized Unto Repencetance has truly
emerged as a prodigy that will not be stopped. You’ll have to do a lot more
than vaporize his aunt and uncle to stop him from putting the hurt on your
team. With 1,923 total points, Bautized Unto Repencetance is on the cusp of
making major stride up the rankings, if only he can keep his throwing hand from
getting chopped off. For now he’s staying about as hot as the inside of a
Ton-ton, Luke warm.
5. Wok it Out (Qui-Gon Jin) (Previously 3)
With the best record in the league right now, Wok it Out
truly has learned the secret to immortality. With the intuitive management of
affairs often in defiance of those more experienced than himself in the
Baseball Fantasy Force, Wok it Out has been a dominant force in the league. We
will see if his skills are adequate with darker forces yet to come, but come
on, it’s Liam Neeson, he can handle it.
4. All Braun No Brains (Obi-Wan-Kenobi) (Previously 2)
Though young, inexperienced and bit head-strong, All Braun
no Brains has proven that he is ready to face the trials ahead. Although
suffering a terrible loss this week, his last words will still haunt us and
continue to shape the league, “You can’t win Darth. If you strike me down I
shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
3. Shark areNADO (Mace Windu) (Previously 5)
You can’t have a power ranking with Jedis and not have Mace
Windu in there somewhere towards the top, and that is precisely where Shark
areNado belongs. With their particular lineup, it is fitting to compare it to
the purple lightsaber wielding Master of the Force, Samuel L. Jackson. With
enough skill to corner any enemy, lets hope he has the wisdom to wind up a
little faster and dispatch his opponents before they shock him by negating his
strong throwing hand.
2. Michigan Cougars (Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vadar) (Previously 4)
Friend or foe? You’ll never really know until it’s too late
with the Michigan Cougars. One minute you think the game is in the bag, next
thing you know his pitchers come out throwing peeps down the glowing shaft with
no safety guards near it. With such an active manager but such stiff
competition, it’s hard to tell if this will be the team of prophecy to bring
balance to the league. Whether you’re a youngling team or a team of screaming
tusken raiders, you best watch out, because the Michigan Cougars will show no
mercy.
1. Joe Buck Yourself (Yoda) (Previously 1)
The unquestionably most powerful Jedi master should be
compared to the team in the league with a considerable lead on its opponents.
Joe Buck Yourself, like Master Yoda, can be underestimated easily by its size
and confusing and profuse manner of speaking, but just wait until his team
starts swinging. Joe Buck Yourself can dispatch opponents as easily as Yoda
takes care of rogue clone troopers. But one has to wonder, is it likely that
he’ll keep up this high-energy performance or will his experience and vast
knowledge of the Force win the day? Either way at the moment, his opponents are
just waiting for him to die and disappear so that they can take his place as
the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy.
