2019 Crapstone Basketball Preseason Power Rankings

Courtesy of J.Tyler Cook

                Man oh man is it a good time to be me. Patriots with a huge win, Red Sox in the ALCS, Celtics starting tonight. Fantasy baseball championship, number one point scoring team in fantasy football (can you imagine thinking my team wouldn’t make the playoffs!) and now we are onto fantasy basketball. Admittedly, I am a terrible fantasy basketball player (due to drafting guys I like more than guys that I think are good) but I think I know a decent amount about real basketball. That’s why these rankings will have nothing to do with fantasy, and only to do with how each team would perform if they had to play together in real life.

12. Corry – Cause I’m Mr Whiteside

PG – Jordan Clarkson
SG – Jaylen Brown
SF – Carmelo Anthony
PF – Joel Embiid
C – Rudy Gobert
Bench: Julius Randle, Andrew Drummond, Hassan Whiteside, Caldwell Pope

Writeup: Corry’s team is case in point why this matters zero for fantasy purposes… I’d put his team in fantasy among the top. While Taylor has the team name “My Centers Got Centers”, Corry’s team is the direct application of that. Embiid, Gobert, Drummond AND Whiteside!!! I contemplated playing three of those four and having his team play a 2-3 zone and just crash the boards. Honestly, when you see that other teams struggle at center you’ll know why. Unfortunately and not surpringly… the other positions outside of his bigs stink. Still would love to see this team in real life.

11. Dustin – Tricky Ricky

PG – Kyle Lowry
SG – Russell Westbrook
SF – Taurean Prince
PF – Dario Saric
C – Clint Capela
Bench: Ricky Rubio, Enes Kanter, Hollis-Jefferson, Dennis Smith

Writeup: Corry’s team is to Centers, as Dustin’s team is to Point Guards. Watching Westbrook and Rubio co-exist on this team would be laugh out loud funny. Lowry, Russ, Rubio and Dennis Smith leave a lack of depth on the wings and elsewhere. This team vs Corry’s would be something that needs to be tested in NBA 2K. However, the lack of shooting and wing depth leaves this team at 11.

10. Sam – Believeland Miracles
PG – Damian Lillard
SG – Luca Doncic
SF – Ben Simmons
PF – Nikola Mirotic
C – Deandre Ayton
Bench: Collin Sexton, Andrew Wiggins, Nikola Vucevic, Markelle Fultz, Tyreke Evans

Writeup: Sam has one of the most unique teams in the league and if I wrote this in 2022 he may have the best. Unfortunately, there are too many rookies on this team for my liking in a competitive game vs the other squads. That being said… having Doncic and Simmons with their court vision and passing IQ would be a blast to watch and if the rookies are as transcendent as they could be, this team would rise drastically. Lillard and Mirotic would have to play off ball and space the floor which they’d excel out. Offensively, I think it works, but Simmons is the only average defender in this starting lineup. Ayton was a beast in preseason and could be one of the best centers if his career pans out as it should. For now, this team is limited defensively and unproven.

9. Taylor Call – My Centers Got Centers

PG – Jrue Holiday
SG – Paul George
SF – Otto Porter Jr
PF – Tobias Harris
C – Karl Anthony Towns
Bench: JJ Redick, Eric Bledsoe, Robert Covington, Steven Adams

Writeup: Taylor’s team is the one I go most back and forth on. The reason I love it? Shooting, shooting, and more shooting. Towns may be the best shooting center in the league, Porter is a dead eye, Paul George can create his own shot. He even has Reddick and Covington on the bench? Why is he ranked so low then? Well quite simply the lack of superstar power. Unfortunately for Tay’s hypothetical team… they have no one I feel like is an Alpha and will win you games in crunch time. Holiday is solid but defensive minded, Paul George got stuffed into a locker by Joe Ingles last year, and Towns couldn’t post up Jimmy Butler in practice the other day. I like the team and the depth, the top talent is just not what would lead his team to victory. Too many Betas.

8. Garret J – Kawhi me a River

PG – Gordan Dragic
SG – Lonzo Ball
SF – DeMar DeRozan
PF – Kevin Durant
C – Draymond Green
Bench: Kevin Knox, Lou Williams, Trae Young, Dwight Powell

Writeup: Love the team name but he doesn’t have Kawhi! He needs to Knox it off (I’ll show myself out). Garrett gets a boost by having the second best player in the league and one of the most versatile defenders in Draymond Green (I’m having the small lineup be their go-to). Normally a team with a serviceable center would be able to post up Draymond but Corry has all of them. Shooting outside of Durant however is a huge issue, but I like the defensive chops of this team and the ability to have players move the ball. I just don’t like any of his players as great #2 scoring options and his bench is weak so he settles in the middle of the pack.

7. Tyler – Pippen Ain’t Easy

PG –Jamal Murray
SG – Brandon Ingram
SF – Giannis Antetokounmpo
PF – Kevin Love
C – Myles Turner
Bench: John Collins, D’Angelo Russell, Bogdan Bogdanovic, Jarrett Allen, Miles Bridges

Writeup: Honestly this team would be a terror to face. Outside of Murray look at the size and wingspan of that team! They remind me of a better version of the bucks in real life, but unfortunately the bucks in real life a good but not great team. I think Ingram and Murray make the leap this year, and Love will pad his stats without Lebron Blames in Cleveland (Leaving again… SAD). John Collins and Myles Turner are interchangeable if I wanna be more athletic and go smaller. However, when Giannis steps off the court this team immediately goes down the drain and even I can’t play him 48 minutes. If Murray, Collins and Ingram make the leap like I expect, I could see it rising. Lack of great guard play (even though Giannis is my PG) hurts this team in a fictional matchup.

6. Creighton – King James Version

PG – Mike Conley
SG – Bradley Beal
SF –  Lebron James
PF –  Lamarcus Aldridge
C – Wendell Carter Jr
Bench: Jonas Valanciunas, Reggie Jackson, Rudy Gay, Willie Cauley Stein

Writeup: Two Words, Lebron James. Surround him with shooters, a tale as old as time. Beal is used to being a #2 scoring option and so is Aldridge. Team has guys who are usually on winning teams. HOWEVAH (Steven A Smith Voice)… ZERO WING DEPTH. Lebron gonna guard every wing every day? NOPE. Even Lebron can’t do that. Also, not sure how the fit is with Aldridge. My brother’s friend went out to lunch with Danny Ainge’s son (who works for the Celts) and he said Lebron is literally the equivalent of two superstars. He is that good and that much better than anyone that I believe it. However, just like real life, Lebron can’t do it all himself and can only take a team so far. Great team name Creighton.

5. Alec – One and Done

PG – Steph Curry
SG – Devin Booker
SF – Josh Richardson
PF – Paul Millsap
C – Marc Gasol
Bench: Kemba Walker, Kyle Kuzma, Jordan Bell, Dennis Schroder, Malcolm Brogdon

Writeup: Maybe I’m in love with Devin Booker, but this team reminds me of the pre-durant Warriors. Booker takes the Klay role, Richardson in the Iguodala role, and Millsap as Draymond. Marc Gasol a clear upgrade, but then add Kemba Walker on the bench! Brogdon another player who is way better in real life than fantasy and Kuzma is a good bench scorer. Why isn’t this team ranked higher than? I Don’t know, other teams are just really good. While Steph and Booker can score, the wing depth may be a black hole offensively and Millsap and Gasol are getting up there in age. If Millsap is still prime Millsap and Gasol is prime Gasol, this team goes even higher. That’s the only reason I’m skeptical.

4. Jordan Heeb – Philly Special

PG – John Wall
SG – CJ McCollum
SF – Jayson Tatum
PF – Al Horford
C – Nikola Jokic
Bench: TJ Warren, Gary Harris, Joe Ingles, Marvin Bagley, Mo Bamba

Writeup: Man oh man is this team fun. Horford, Jokic and John Wall are three of the best passers in the league, Tatum and Mccollum can just go get you buckets. Gary Harris and Joe Ingles are role players every team needs. Honestly, I may bench Wall for Ingles and run the team through Horford and the Joker, and have Wall dominate on the bench. Bamba offers intriguing lineup possibilities as well. While McCollum and Tatum can get buckets, this is a team that is not well off playing iso-ball. If they back cut, and if the Joker playing style becomes contagious, this team would score score and score and have good enough defense to win most games. No weaknesses shooting here (outside of Wall) either. The wing depth is an issue (as it is for most teams) but Horford is versatile enough to cover many of the bigger ones. A lot of different lineups would lead this team to victory, just may not have enough offense to get an isolation bucket when that is inevitably needed. If Tatum becomes that guy year two though… watch out. Awful team name though and that’s not because I’m a salty Patriots fan (It most definitely is because I’m a salty Pats fan);.

3. Dane – Kyrie on my Hayward Son

PG – Kyrie Irving
SG – James Harden
SF – Gordon Hayward
PF -Harrison Barnes
C – Blake Griffin
Bench: Donovan Mitchell, Jusuf Nurkic, Jabari Parker, Jeff Teague

Writeup: First, Dane has the best team name in the league and I’m 90% sure his love for this team name influenced his draft decisions. While I’m not sure if Dane understands just how good Nikola Jokic is, this squad here would be an intriguing real life dynamo. Hayward and Barnes are solid complimentary wings who know their role, and a Kyrie-Harden back court features arguably the two best iso scorer in the leagues. Donovan Mitchell comes in off the bench to provide some bench energy and put on his defensive beast cap, and Blake as small ball center gives them shooting at every position (with four good to very good passers in the starting lineup). Nurkic could handle the bigger centers. The Kyrie/Harden combo may not have the most natural chemistry, but this team would be an offensive force.

2. Sean – Mars Blackmon’s Best

PG – Victor Oladipo
SG – Khris Middleton
SF – Kawhi Leonard
PF – Lauri Markkanen
C – Deandre Jordan
Bench: D’Aaron Fox, Kyle Anderson, Will Barton, Montrezl Harrell, Tim Hardaway Jr

Writeup: Sean has a type, and his type is athletic two way players which bodes well for this exercise. The only knock on his squad is point guard play but if Oladipo can accept more of a facilitator role this team would be insane. Easily the best defensive team on this list, Oladipo was first team all defense and Kawhi a former DPOY. Middleton is one o the most underrated players in today’s game, a player who scores without demanding the ball and forms a terrifying backcourt. Markannen stretches the floor and should see year two improvement, and Jordan rim runs and protects the paint. The bench isn’t exactly overflowing with talent (nobody really has a great bench) but Fox, Anderson, Barton, Harrell, and Hardaway Jr are five energy guys who could fill in at a moments notice. The main reason they aren’t ranked one? Is Oladipo as good as he was last year, and will the MVP candidate Kawhi return? Until these questions are figured out, the honor of being the best fictional real life team belongs to none other than Papa Bear Austin Jones.

1 Austin J – The Process

PG – Chris Paul
SG – Klay Thompson
SF – Jimmy Butler
PF – Aaron Gordon
C – Anthony Davis
Bench: Zach Lavine, Josh Jackson, Dwight Howard, Danilo Gallinari, Josh Hart

Writeup: This team would be insane. Klay Thompson (and probably Kris Middleton) are two players who are significantly better in real life than they are in fantasy, and it’s no surprise their owners have the top two spots. Everyone on this starting lineup can shoot respectably from deep, score and play defense. The starting five defensively is an absolute terror (I know I said Sean’s was the best… this team is the best defense) and you have five guys who can score 16 or more a game. You have alpha males, complimentary teammates, and even bench guys who could come in and give teams a different look. Paul and Anthony Davis don’t have the best injury history, but this exercise doesn’t predict injuries (good for those two and Gallo on the bench) and would be an absolute dynamo. The only knock is a lack of playmaking for others outside of Chris Paul, but I think this team would make it work if Butler and Aaron Gordon accepted roles as beast defenders with AD, Paul and Thompson carrying the load of the offense. So congrats to Austin J! No idea if this team will work for fantasy, but the process is complete for the fictional best real life team in the Crapstone fantasy league.

There it is folks, most likely I’ll win because I’m on an absolute streak right now, but you guys can have this!

2018 Football Rankings - Week 1

Courtesy of Corry Smith

Hey guys, welcome to another football season. I don’t really know much about NFL players these days, so I guarantee there’s a lot of errors in my rankings. Just be cool with it. I used ESPN’s non PPR positional rankings and found the ranking of each team’s keepers and 1st and 2nd round picks. The rankings came from these numbers added together. First some overall info:

 
Best Keepers Combo: Austin with Julio Jones (2) and Travis Kelce (2)

Worst Keepers Combo: Creighton with LeSean McCoy (14) and Chris Hogan (23)

Best Draft Combo: Creighton with Aaron Rodgers (1) and Derrick Henry (17)

Worst Draft Combo: Tie: Corry with Royce Freeman (21) and Allen Robinson (16) and Maraika with Jordan Howard (13) and Golden Tate (24)

# of Keepers by Position:

- QB - 1
- TE - 3
- WR - 9
- RB - 11

Average 1st Round Pick Positional Ranking: 11

Average 2nd Round Pick Positional Ranking: 20

On to the teams . . .

1. Space Force (Sean)

(0-1 - 69.2 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Odell Beckham Jr. (3-WR), Carson Wentz (4-QB), Keenan Allen (5-WR), Amari Cooper (17-WR)

Keepers:7

Draft:22
Total:29

I’m not sure how to explain that my number 1 also scored the fewest points last week by almost 20. His keeper QB didn’t play so that’s probably a 20 point difference right there, but still not a great week. His 2nd round pick, Cooper, only got 1.8 points on 3 targets, so that could end up being a rough pick. And lastly, his defense (Saints) had the worst week in football and got him a whopping -9 points. But he obviously has some highly touted guys and week 1 could have been a fluke. But I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

 

2. Saquon’s Legs (Austin)

(0-1 - 103 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Julio Jones (2-WR), Travis Kelce (2-TE), Saquon Barkley (5-RB), Jarvis Landry (25-WR)

Keepers:4

Draft:30
Total:34

Austin’s high ranking mostly comes from his keepers. Starting the season with the #2 WR and #2 TE is a pretty sweet way to start before the draft even happens. He had a tough matchup and scored the 5th most points, but played the 4th most points. But Kelce, a keeper, only scored .6 points. Austin passed on keeping Rodgers, the #1 QB, to keep Kelce, so hopefully Kelce can get a few more targets and a lot more points. I’m saying he makes the playoffs.

 

3. Dak to the Future (Alec)

(0-1 - 92.4 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Le’Veon Bell (1-RB), Leonard Fournette (7-RB), Adam Thielen (11-WR), Alex Collins (19-RB)

Keepers:8

Draft:30
Total:38

Alec has a really solid team, but already he’s been affected by injuries - after 1 week! His #1 player, Bell, didn’t play because he’s still holding out for a better contract. And for this week, he said he still won’t play until he gets paid. So that’s rough for him. And his other keeper (Fournette), has an injury and is questionable to play. And his TE is out for the season. Rough 1st week, which led to a low score and loss.  I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

4. Goodell’s Third Reich (Dustin)

(1-0 - 131.7 points W1) 

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Alvin Kamara (6-RB), Michael Thomas (6-WR), Stefon Diggs (12-WR), Kenyan Drake (18-RB)

Keepers:12

Draft:30
Total:42

Dustin’s team was the highest scoring this week, which is a pretty sweet sign for the season. He was runner-up last year, and is looking to go all the way this year. But a lot of his big week came from 2 players - Brees and Kamara who each had 34 points. Those two players alone matched Sean’s entire week. And Thomas had 22!. So his 2 keepers were great picks. It’s obviously early, but this team seems like a serious championship contender. Easily makes the playoffs.

 

5. Vontae Mack No Matter What (Sam)

(0-1 - 117.4 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: A.J. Green (7-WR), Zach Ertz (3-TE), Tyreek Hill (13-WR), Jay Ajayi (20-RB)

Keepers:10

Draft:33
Total:43

Sam had a tough loss. 3rd most points, but went against the 2nd most points and took the week 1 loss. His 2 keepers did fine, but his first two round draft picks were great! Hill had 35 points - as a WR! And Ajayi had 20! Sam is also still holding out for Dez Bryant to sign with a team, which would be a great midseason addition. All around, his team’s first week was solid and his loss should be completely ignored. He’ll be in the playoffs.

 

6. Who’s Ur Daddy (Dane)

(1-0 - 90.8 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: David Johnson (3-RB), Dalvin Cook (9-RB), Larry Fitzgerald (14-WR), Demaryius Thomas (18-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:32
Total:44

Dane had a real lucky week 1. He scored the 3rd fewest points, but happened to go against the 2nd fewest points and got the W. To compare, Sam, who lost, outscored Dane by 27. That’s like an entire QB. Dane’s 2 keepers did alright, getting 19 points combined, and his first 2 draft picks did ok, also getting 19 points combined. But no one had an incredible week. He did lose a WR and TE to injuries that will take them both out a few weeks at least, but Dane needs some player to stand out this next week as a star or else he’ll be a middle of the pack team all year. I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

 

7. Tom Hank’s Best Friend (Taylor)

(1-0 - 107.3 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: DeAndre Hopkins (4-WR), Christian McCaffrey (12-RB), Melvin Gordon (10-RB), Marvin Jones Jr. (20-WR)

Keepers:16

Draft:30
Total:46

I have no idea what Taylor’s team name means, but I love it. For some reason, it fits him. Taylor’s team had a solid week 1, and I think he will just get better. He scored the 4th most points, yet he had 4 players on his bench outscore his starters. His 4 WR and 1 TE combined scored 22 points. His 4 WR and 1 TE on his bench scored 65 points. Had they been in, he would have easily been the top scorer on the week. Picking Marvin Jones for his 2nd round was definitely a reach as he only scored 5.4 points, but his later picks may come through this season to make him a serious contender. If he can stay active in his team, he makes the playoffs.

 

8-T. #Gurley Things (Corry)

(1-0 102.1 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Todd Gurley (2-RB), Davante Adams (8-WR), Royce Freeman (21 - RB), Allen Robinson (16 - WR)

Keepers:10

Draft:37
Total:47

You guys don’t care about my write-up, so I’ll just say that picking Royce Freeman for my first round pick was not great. Definitely a mistake. But I had 2 WR this past week who didn’t play, and I still scored over 100 points. Imma win it all again. No doubt.

 

8-T. Deflate to Win (Charlotte)

1-0 - 96.9 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Antonio Brown (1-WR), Devonta Freeman (11-RB), Joe Mixon (16-RB), Josh Gordon (19-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:35
Total:47

Charlotte also got a pretty lucky win as she won while scoring under 100 points. Her keeper Brown came through with 15 points, but Freeman was injured and didn’t produce like she’d hope. Mixon also came through big time with 21 points, a great 1st round pick. The biggest reason for Charlotte’s tough week, however, came because of her QB, Stafford. He threw 1 TD, but 4 interceptions! Her backup QB, Mariota, threw 2 interceptions himself before being taken out of the game with an injury. So Charlotte’s QB situation is looking bleak and she may want to reconsider that position. Unfortunately, that’s a pretty big problem to overcome. She won’t make the playoffs.

8-T. Watson Your Wallet? (Maraika)

(1-0 - 128.4)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Rob Gronkowski (1-TE), Mike Evans (9-WR), Jordan Howard (13-RB), Golden Tate (24-WR)

Keepers:10

Draft:37
Total:47

While Maraika is ranked tied with Charlotte and Corry, she was the 2nd highest scorer and looked like a great team. Only two of her players scored under 10, her kicker and FLEX position. The player that actually disappointed the most was her QB, Watson, her only scored her 12 points. If he can play like he did last year, then her team seems like one of the best this year. Maraika lost the championship by 2 points 2 years ago, but last year she was last in her division. She’ll be looking to bounce back and rekindle that season 1 magic. She’s in the playoffs.

11. Humongous Melonheads (Tyler)

(0-1 - 98.1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Ezekiel Elliott (4-RB), Kareem Hunt (8-RB), T.Y. Hilton (10-WR), JuJu Smith-Schuster (26-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:36
Total:48

Tyler’s ranking is a bit skewed. His 2nd pick was actually in the 3rd round because of a trade. So his low ranking from JuJu isn’t exactly an accurate number. But he did score less than 100 points, which was very mediocre. The good news is that the QB on Tyler’s bench was the 3rd best QB this past week. He also took a risk by drafting Adrian Peterson in the 10th round, but he was the 6th best RB by points this past week, and was also on his bench. Potential is there, but I’m predicting a middle of the pack team. No playoffs.

 

12. If It’s Hot Turn the Aaron (Creighton)
(0-1 - 86.4)

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: LeSean McCoy (14-RB), Chris Hogan (23-WR), Aaron Rodgers (1-QB), Derrick Henry (17-RB)

Keepers:37

Draft:18
Total:55

This team isn’t great. Only 4 players, 2 starting and 2 on the bench, scored over 10 points. Creighton’s 2 keepers scored a combined 3.2 points. Rough. Aaron Rodgers and DeSean Jackson are his only real bright spots, but Jackson’s out with a concussion. I think it’s gonna be a rough year for Creighton and he’ll be a bottom dweller.

2018 Baseball Preview - Pre-Season Power Rankings

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook

“I love me some me” – Terrell Owens

One of my favorite athlete quotes of all time and the theme of this power rankings. With baseball upon us and basketball and football recently ending (Congrats Corry and Dustin once again) we now turn our attention to fantasy baseball. As your defending champ I have taken the liberty of creating this power ranking, comparing each team to a physical aspect of my amazing* body. With baseball and my body being the two things I think about the most it makes perfect sense.

*Average to below average

Spoiler Alert: It is sad that I have to even mention this but I know how much of degenerates my friends are.  I will NOT be comparing any team to my penis. This is meant to be a mature investigation into myself that corresponds with predictions in the league. Please get your minds out of the gutter and read this with the seriousness in which I wrote it.

12. Sean Rockwood – Bautized unto rePencetance

Tyler Body Part – My balls

Inexperienced? Check (Marte, Hamilton, Berrios). Unknown? Check (Kingery, Margot, Bundy). Upside? Check (Seager, Machado). Don’t function like they should? Check (Realmulto, Turner, Brantley all on DL). The comparisons are eerie. Like my friends downstairs, I am hoping this team surprises me with something special everytime I wake up in the morning but like my friends downstairs, I won’t be surprised when I’m disappointed. In related news, if you can get over the fact I just compared a fantasy baseball team to mis huevos down under I am currently willing to be set up with any of your single friends. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Ok well in that case we’ll move on.

11. Taylor Call – Billy Beane

Tyler Body Part – My Butt

I don’t get man butts or if girls find them hot or not (I mean obviously Danee and Charlotte don’t but speculating about the women population in its entirety). I’d consider myself a relatively athletic guy and feel like my butt and my ability to squat should reflect that but have been left wanting. A similar feeling comes over me when I see Taylor’s team. Taylor’s pitching flat out STINKS, and the rankings misled Tay into thinking Trea Turner was going to be a great fantasy player this year (steals inflate players value way too much). His team is caught in a HAIRY situation, similar to my post chipotle dingleberries. Like my butt, I can talk myself into it becoming an ASSett down the road but I just don’t see it yet.

10. Creighton Hardy – All Braun no Brains

Tyler’s Body Part – My Eyes

Now anybody who knows me knows I hate my eyes a whole bunch. I prefer women who tend to have blue/greenish eyes that I can just swim in. Unfortunately, when I admire myself in the mirror I always find it ironic that the very tools which enable me to see and admire are so hideous in myself. Brown eyes? You know what else is brown? You guessed it…  chocolate. And I HATE chocolate. Creighton’s team has some players I like (Correa and Bryant back to back to start the draft was stellar) but I foreSEE disappointment with how the rest of his team ROUNDS out. Creighton has other things that will be preoccupying his time relatively soon, and that given his recent history of not checking for a whole season makes me concerned for his fantasy prospects going forward. I will be grateful if Creighton checks this year, like I’m grateful for the functioning aspects of my eyes, but unfortunately I don’t think his team will offer much more than that. Congrats on the engagement again though my friend!

9. Charlotte DeBaltzo – Pitches be Crazy

Tyler’s Body Part – My Facial Hair

Charlotte’s team looks pretty solid and filled out at first glance, but upon further investigation I see a lot of things missing (just like the bald part right underneath my nose that won’t let me complete my mustache. I’m like the reverse Hitler and I hate it). Charlotte has some awesome starters, but outside of Rizzo and Donaldson I’m not exactly infatuated with her lineup (I tend to favor hitters greatly). There will be days her team looks great (like my scruff stage days 3-5 after shaving) but outside of these rare moments she is going to have to focus on maintaining and playing the waiver wire. If she goes a while without checking, her team’s patchiness will become more exposed and lead to constant harassment from friends, families, and every once in a while complete strangers which will lead her to wonder if she is really even a man… sorry I interjected myself there. I mean screw puberty… hey thanks for the cracked voice and insane hormones but you couldn’t have tossed me some sexy facial hair? GTFO puberty.

8. Danee Smith – No Way Jose

Tyler’s Body Part – My Hands

Danee is still new to fantasy, but her passion is shining. She wants to hold this new thing close to her fantasy like she wants to hold relative strangers hands in the back of a friends pickup truck on a cool, starry summer night. Like my hands, Danee’s team is relatively small (you know what they say about small hands?**) with Altuve and Lindor carrying her lineup. I like the balance on her team especially if she can find one more pitcher. This team has some power (like my punches) and some toughness (like my coarse, manly hands) but not exactly the upside you want in a real fantasy contender.

**That it’s tough to throw a spiral with small hands. See NFL Combine.

7. Maraika Rockwood – Maraika Rockwood

Tyler’s Body Part – My Pecs (or where my pecs should be)

On a personal note, I finally reached my goal of benching 225 pounds (a long way from not being able to bench 95 as a high school sophomore) but you know what sucks? I STILL HAVE NO FREAKING CHEST. I see these dudes at the gym who bench half what I bench yet they look absolutely shredded and it freaking sucks. What does this have to do with Maraika’s team? On paper, I like them but there is just something missing (probably a better diet in my case). I love her outfield (Schwarber and Beni both have great upside)… her IF is very solid, and she has some decent pitchers. However, just like my chest there is no depth (in the rotation especially). I like her team, just don’t love it. 

6. Dustin Jensen – Clown Question Bro

Tyler’s Body Part – My Arms

Why my arms? Cuz that is where my power comes from… Stanton, Judge, Martinez, Cruz, and Encarnacion ALL hit over 38 homers last year! That is insane! Talk about power and strength! His team has some bulk, some definition and a decent enough rotation. If he finds another arm to round out his rotation, he could jump up a couple spots. His team is home run or strikeout so he will have a lot of volatility but I am a big fan of what Dustin has on his squad this year and will not be surprised if he exceeds these rankings.

5. Alec Rockwood – The Bay of Puigs Invasion

Tyler’s Body Part – My Lips

I have big, luscious lips. Don’t deny it, I know you guys have thought about smooching these suckers. However, nobody looks at me and says “Whoa look at his lips I want to date him.” Crazy right? I look at Alec’s team and say that is nice but it’s not something I’m gonna drop my insanely high standards for. Balance balance and more balance across the board. A two start Kershaw week will be tough to beat, but I don’t see the upside to move him up higher on this list. On a side note, him and Maraika both need a team name change DRASTICALLY. Just like I need to use chap stick more (but like my balls, my lips are relatively useless).

4. Dane J – Wok it Out

Tyler’s Body Part – My Hair

Fun fact about the Cooks, we have great heads of hair. I’m talking not going bald ever type hair folks. And Dane’s team, like my hair, can be impressive in so many ways. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to style it. Dane is a smart guy, however, he has to figure out how to manage his squads to get over that playoff hump. He is a contender every year, and this team has a good rotation, closers, outfield and infield (hopefully Jose Ramirez stays legit). My hair has volume, a good shine, solid hue of brown (unlike eyes the dark brown works for me) and is a sneaky reason why women love me.*** Catch me a day or two after a hair cut and you got a sexy beast on your hands, mismanage it and forget that paumade? You looking gross. It’s up to Dane how far his team goes.

*** Relatively ignore me

3. Sam DeBaltzo – Who Needs Hitters?

Tyler’s Body Part – My Heart

Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t really love Sam’s team. As a matter of fact, when I think about it I don’t really love Sam himself. However, when I focus on my feelings I know two things are true. Sam will somehow have a good fantasy team, and I care for Sam deeply. It may defy all logic, he may be loud and obnoxious and his lineup might as well have Sister Jean up to bat, but it’ll somehow get good enough. Sam’s team always ends the season with me wondering how he has every unknown guy on his team can be outperforming expectations, just like a glance into his life and knowing what I know of his face leaves me wondering how he could have such a cute baby or somehow get Charlotte to marry him. Like many of life’s deepest mysteries, I don’t need to know. I need to feel, and my gigantic heart says Sam will finish with a great team.

2. Corry Smith – Shark Arenado

Tyler’s Body Part – My Brain

I have a huge brain. This is known. Easily the smartest, wisest, wittiest person in this league and it is all because of my massive brain. However, see the Sam paragraph and do the opposite. When I see Corry I initially feel off… where are his lips? His butt? How can a big toe possibly look like that? How can someone eat plain food every meal and not get sick of it? But my brain recognizes Corry and his beautiful blue eyes as a loving, sweet, gentle soul (No Homo****). I see Corry’s team, and my brain knows Arenado will be a star, Eaton and Markakis while not super sexy are exactly the type of players winning teams have, that his rotation is dirty. Corry had every Indians pitcher last year, and he has every Astros pitcher this year. Not a bad plan! Corry has been one step ahead in fantasy for the past year with a massive hot streak, and we will see if this continues in baseball.

**** Definitely homo

1. Tyler Cook – Good, Better, Betts

Tyler’s Body Part – My Personality

Yes I know personality isn’t a body part. But how can I possible describe my team using one part? My personality on the other hand has seemingly infinite amount of strengths and no weaknesses. I mean, not to brag but I was voted most humble in high school. Is ranking myself first humble? To quote the recently demoted Elder Uchtdorf (ever heard of him?) “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking less about yourself.” So I’m not going to sit here and explain to you about how funny, smart, compassionate, humble, sweet, merciful, spiritual, hardworking I am. I am obviously not thinking of those things. But I will talk to you about how my lineup has no weaknesses (every player outside my catcher had over 18 homers last year), my rotation has the best pitcher in baseball (Chris Sale baby) and is managed by the most shrewd person this league has ever seen. I’m the champ for a reason, and that reason is I’m simply better than you guys. Don’t hate it, just embrace it as fact because a fact it obviously is. This team is nearly identical to the winning squad from last year! Barring any unforeseen deaths to star players, I am going to win this year. Better luck next time!

Basketball Playoff Picture 2018

Howdy everybody,

 Well it has been quite some time since anyone has made power rankings, so I thought I would go ahead and take a wack at it. I’ve broken these rankings into three categories: The playoff teams, the bubble teams (missed the playoffs by one win), and the non-bubble teams. So, the teams are ranked within their own subsection (i.e., playoff teams can be ranked no lower than 6, the bubble teams can be ranked no higher than 7).
 I’ve used the rankings from ESPN, however for my analysis this time I ranked every team according to their statistical ranking for all categories except points (instead I did field goal and free throw percentages. You’re welcome to look at the attached spreadsheet for the complete analysis. I then took the average of how well you ranked in the categories overall.

 Before I get into the direct rankings though, I thought I’d point out a couple of interesting factors:

Most prominent statistics among playoff teams: Every playoff team had more assists than the non-playoff teams. Similarly, every playoff team had more turnovers than the non-playoff teams. I don’t know if that says anything or it was just luck, but it looks like turnovers aren’t the end of the world. In fact, Stockton’s Short Shorts had 325 more turnovers than any team that missed the playoffs and is still ranked 2nd in these rankings. Weird.

Superlative: The best team to miss the playoffs: Pippen Aint Easy. Pippen Aint Easy had an average ranking of 5.9, which was significantly higher than Off the Wall and One and Done, two playoff teams.

Superlative: The worst team to make the playoffs: One and Done. One and done had an average ranking of 7.4, which was ranked 10th. It’s pretty clear they lucked into the playoffs.

Playoff Teams

1. *Steph’s Brother: Corry’s team was so good that at one point Dustin predicted he would go undefeated this season. Unfortunately for Corry, he did lose one game in week 12 (to the best team in the league in my humble opinion ;). Some notable numbers for Corry: he ranked in the top 3 in 5 of the 7 categories, leading to a solid average rank of 3.9. His worst ranking was turnovers at 9. He had an incredible team across the board with almost no flaws. The next best average rank was 1.2 lower than his.

2. Stockton’s Short Shorts: Stockton had more obvious flaws than Steph’s brother, having the highest amount of turnovers as noted above and being ranked 5th or worst in 4 of the 7 categories. However, Stockton made up for it by being ranked 1st in the other three categories: free throw percentage, assists, and steals.

3. Mars Blackmon’s Best: Mars made its way up in the rankings thanks to consistency. They didn’t lead in any specific statistic, but their worst stat was free throw percentage, where they were ranked 9th. Avoiding major pitfalls was the key to success, and hopefully that consistency can lead to success in the playoffs.

4. Believeland MiraCLEs: The MiraCLEs followed Stockton’s strategy in a lot of ways: you can be really awful in a couple of categories as long as you make up for it by being the top in some others. Despite having the worst field goal percentage and poor steals and turnover numbers, the MiraCLEs were tied for number 1 in free throw percentage (thank you JJ Reddick) and were number 1 in blocks.

5. Off the Wall: Off the wall started the season strong but was mired in injuries. Isaiah Thomas came back with plenty of time to get in shape for playoffs, but Off the Wall lost Paul Millsap, DeMarcus Cousins, and John Wall. You have to give this team credit, not many other teams would be able to make it to the playoffs while losing their first, second, AND third round pick. I mean seriously, you can’t have much worse fantasy luck than that. And we thought Dane losing David Johnson was bad . . .

6. One and Done: Somehow, some way, Alec made it to the fantasy playoffs! The resurgence of Dwight Howard as a fantasy option did wonders for Alec, as Howard and Durant’s averages of almost two blocks per game each led to Alec being ranked 2nd in blocks for the season. His efficiency is low, as Alec is in the bottom three for FG%, FT%, and turnovers. It’s unlikely that Alec makes it out of the first round against a well-rounded Mars Blackmon, but making it this far has been impressive enough.

Bubble Teams

7. Pippen Aint Easy: As I noted before, Pippen was clearly the best team to not make the playoffs. They lead the league in field goal percentage and had no ranking lower than 9. However, hovering in the 5-8 range of the rankings led to a solid team that just couldn’t make that ultimate push. Surprising that, given Cook’s success in past fantasy seasons, he couldn’t make the magic happen to get him into the first round.

8. My Centers Got Centers: Given a name like that, I love the following statistics: Centers had the worst free throw percentage and the second highest amount of rebounds. That makes my statistical brain fall in love. What I love even more is that both Deandre Jordan and Andre Drummond are averaging 15 rebounds a game. Please read that last sentence again: 15 REBOUNDS PER GAME ALL SEASON. Truly incredible, especially when you consider that the next highest rebounder is the now injured Boogie who was averaging 13 a game. If you can make 13 rpg look unimpressive you have to be doing something right. What absolutely blows my mind though, is that Centers had the lowest amount of blocks. How do you have five centers and the lowest number of blocks?!? I have to conclude here by noting that Taylor would have been a lock for the playoffs if he had won his last game, but instead he could only scrounge up 389 against Stockton’s 708. Did not bring it all in the critical week.

9. Uncle Drew’s Cabin: Creighton had the second worst average ranking in the league. It’s pretty clear how, as his only top five ranking was in turnovers which, as discussed above, ends up not really mattering in our league. Having Kawhi play only 9 games all season definitely doesn’t help.

Non-Bubble Teams

 To be put gently, I think this year has had the most disparity between the top and bottom teams. We had two teams that went 15-1 and then teams go 4-12 and 3-13. Clear top dogs and bottom hogs (is that a thing? If not, I’m making it one). Well, on to the hogs:

10. The Process: Austin’s “Process” clearly didn’t work this year. Although most of his statistical rankings were in the upper half of the league, his dismal assists and rebounds figures dropped his average. Surprising, considering The Process owned to of the best young center in the league. This team was young, and full of talent. Perhaps if Austin carried this team to next year they’d have a real chance; unfortunately this isn’t a keeper’s league. Maybe try for an “in-season process” next year.

11. Go Bear: Once again, proving the irrelevance of turnovers in our league, Go Bear had the least amount of turnovers (almost 450 less than Stockton) but still had an abysmal record. Granted, Go Bear did have a better average ranking than two teams that made the playoffs, but without that translating to wins it does little solace. Bottom line, I think Dane learned what the Clippers did: CP3 may be a guaranteed Hall of Famer, but a team with him as the best player is not making it to the championship.

12. I took a Pill in Ariza: I think I’ll take a line from Mr. Seuss here: “Stink, Stank, Stunk.” It seems like nothing could go right for Maraika this year. I think the fantasy name gods punished her for keeping the team name despite not owning the player. Looking at her team though, it’s obvious what some of the flaws were. Nerlens Noel, Kaminsky, and Crowder should have been dropped months ago. Maraika didn’t change her roster all season, and the record shows.