Courtesy of Dane
Jacobsen:
Welcome, members of the Crapstone Fantasy League, to the
Week 6 Power Rankings: Office
Edition. Unlike last week, where players and not GM’s (Sam) were compared to characters from Captain America: Civil War, this week
all GM’s will be represented by their Office
equivalent. Also, as cleverly crafted as the MIPCAC ranking system was, time
constraints required a simpler system this week. Therefore, the rankings are a
result of a 50-50 split between total points and total wins. So without further
ado, “everybody in the
conference room!”
12. Citizen Kane (Previous Ranking: 11 – Movement: Down 1)
Citizen Kane finds himself at the back of the pack yet again
coming in with the lowest number of total points (1046) and tied for the lowest
number of wins (0). What’s more, GM Daniel Hellrung continues to be a mystery to me even
though this is the second time we’ve been in fantasy leagues together. So for
the guy who comes in, does his work, doesn’t say much, loves pretzel day, and doesn’t take any crap, I
give you #12: Stanley
Hudson.
11. Clown Question Bro (Previous Ranking: 12 – Movement: Up
1)
Clown Question Bro failed yet again to get his first “W”
this week, but who can blame him given the strength of his opponent. With 1279
total points, I’m sure Dustin is a really nice guy and tries really hard, but
things just don’t seem to
go his way. Better luck next week, Kevin
Malone.
10. Maraika Rockwood (Previous Ranking: 10 – Movement: 0)
With 1281
total points and 2 wins, GM Maraika Rockwood’s team did pull together a win
over Citizen Kane, but overall is failing to impress. With a few slight
adjustments, like maybe
taking off her glasses, her team really has the potential to move in the
right direction. You can do it, Pam
Beesly.
9. Pitches Be Crazy (Previous Ranking: 8 – Movement: Down 1)
With a name like Pitches Be Crazy, could
Charlotte be any other than our very own Crapstone version of Kelly
Kapoor? She’s got 1321 total points and 2 wins that land her solidly in the
9th slot. Perhaps if she accesses her uncrazy side,
she’ll be able to up her game.
8. The Bay of the Puigs Invasion (Previous Ranking: 6 –
Movement: Down 2)
GM Alec Rockwood is
our Jim
Halpert – not necessarily because he’s
the best looking guy in the group, but rather by default because he married Pam
Beesly. Based on the rankings, it would seem that she married up… but we all
know that he’s the one that got lucky. Let’s hope that luck transitions into
some more wins. Who knows, he may still have some tricks up his sleeve.
Total Points: 1341
Total Wins: 2
7. Wok it Out (Previous Ranking: 4 – Movement: Down 3)
Wok it Out remains the only undefeated team in the league.
While in any other situation that would put him in the unquestioned 1st
position, GM Dane Jacobsen’s success is in no way related to skill. In fact, you may
have already noticed that these rankings have not included any knowledge of
players. Similarly, in The Office, in
spite of being completely incompetent
and incredibly awkward, Michael
Scott somehow lands himself in the regional manager
position. There is another reason Dane is Michael Scott, which will become apparent shortly.
Total Points: 1313
Wins: 5
6. Bautized unto rePencetance (Previous Ranking: 9 –
Movement: Up 3)
Sean Rockwood is our Andy
Bernard, coming in with 1360 points and 2 wins. While the wins are
altogether unimpressive, his total points are enough to land him halfway up the
rankings. In other words, his team is mediocre. Kind of like Andy. He’s a decent character, kind
of a suck up, not
great at sales, but still manages to win the hearts of some
people.
5. Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 2 – Movement: Down 3)
Let’s be completely clear here: this comparison has
absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. Rather, Taylor is Crapstone’s
Oscar Martinez because he’s
great with numbers (the guy’s an actuary for crying out
loud) and generally keeps to himself. His uninvolvedness may be slightly
off-putting, but he puts together a great team regardless. With his only loss
to the undefeated Wok it Out, and with 1355 total points on the season, there
may yet be good things to come.
4. Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 3 – Movement: Down 1)
The love interest of Pitches Be Crazy, and also
Machiavellian by nature, Sam DeBaltzo is competing hard for the top
spot. Unfortunately, after this week’s contest to the undefeated Wok it
Out, he’ll more likely end up working at the local bowling
alley as our very own Ryan Howard.
A little bit of facial hair doesn’t make you a man, Sam.
Total Points: 1520
Wins: 3
3. SHARK areNADO (Previous Ranking: 5 – Movement: Up 2)
As always the top salesman, but ever
only the assistant to the
regional manager, Crapstone’s Dwight
Schrute is Corry Smith. With 1525 points and 2 wins, Corry performs well
but is unlikely to ever see his dreams of advancing in rank come to fruition.
The points are impressive, but unless they translate into wins they will never
be enough.
2. All Braun No Brains (Previous Ranking: 7 – Movement: Up
5)
True to his team name, All Braun No Brains is headed by
Creighton Hardy, or should I say Darryl
Philbin. With 1538 points and 4 wins, this team is the only real threat to Joe Buck Yourself.
Who needs brains when you’re jacked like this guy.
1. Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 1 – Movement: 0)
And now, the one, the only, the one we love to hate: Toby
Flenderson aka Tyler Cook. With a staggering 1exactly what he’s doing
and yet we could kick him
in the nuts and feel
just fine about it. He’s the Kobe Bryant to the Jazz – he is the villain who must be
respected.
1718 points (nearly 200 more
than his closest competitor) and 4 wins, this is the guy who knows 
