2016 Baseball Finals Preview - Michigan Cougars

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

          I woke up this morning, printed out a picture of Joe Buck Yourself’s lineup, took it to my backyard, and peed on it. Why? Two reasons:

1.  His roster was not worthy of being inside my toilet, let alone my house.

2.  I’m the MOTHER#$%@%^& ALPHA!

            Although the Cougars limped along this past contest to barely beat CQB, the squad is finally healthy. With the impending return of Steven Matz this week, the Cougars will have a completely healthy squad for the first time in months. Although the Cougars scored over 100 points less than Joe Buck Yourself last week, we saw one clear thing: the Cougars can win. They were able to clinch the much tougher Western Division (note: both teams in the finals are from the western division and 3 of the four teams in the semifinals were from the Western Division) and are poised and ready to fight.

            Joe Buck Yourself has been nearly unstoppable in the playoffs, beating Pitches Be Crazy in the highest scoring matchup of the season and then decimating a solid Wok It Out. However, Joe Buck Yourself’s confidence in the team has wavered consistently. To reveal some quotes from the Night Terrors team manager J. Tyler Cook has been having thinking about the matchup:

-  “PLEASE STOP STRIKING OUT!”

-  “WHY DID ALL MY PLAYERS GET INJURED?!?”

-  “I’LL NEVER HAVE SEX BEFORE SAM CASTRATES ME IN THIS MATCHUP!”

Don’t worry kiddo, the Mayo Clinic says you’ll grow out of them someday ;).

Some key players to watch make-it-or-break-it for the Cougars:

David Price: An electrifying pitcher when on, David Price has a huge upside and a huge downside. Key to a Cougars’ win this week will be whether Price can maintain high scoring games without dropping any big ones.

Relievers: All of the relievers on the Cougars have proven valuable assets, with them averaging 4.6 points per game. As long as these players get save opportunities, they will deliver, as they have converted 24 save opportunities in the past month with only blowing 3. They rely on close games, but if presented with an opportunity, they can do wonders for the Cougars.

Mike Trout: Because find any proof anywhere that he’s not the greatest hitter in baseball and should not be MVP every year.

So why will I win? I want it more, I deserve it more, and because I AM MORE. Try again next year pal.