Week 5 Power Rankings

Courtesy of Sean Rockwood:

Friends, I’m afraid that as members of the Crapstone kingdom, we are in a time of turmoil. J. Tyler Cook has murdered the DeBaltzo Duo. Dane, Austin, and Maraika have banded together to form a super random coalition against Joseph T. on Facebook. What this world needs is a hero.

Well, in commemoration of Donald Trump becoming the Republican presidential candidate yesterday, I’m taking it upon myself to make Crapstone great again! Clearly the ESPN ranking system is not enough to create consensus among Crapstone members, so I have used my valuable (more like $9.50 an hour) time to create one ranking metric to rule them all. I call it MIPCAC! It goes a little something like this:

1.      Manager Involvement 25%

Ex. Moves + Facebook Posts and Comments

2.      Point Differential 50%

Ex. Points For – Points Against

3.      How their best player would fare in a Captain America: Civil War comparison battle. 25% Friday is more important than any baseball game before September. Tickets here.

Ex. Bartolo Colon = 1978 Incredible Hulk

There you go, MIPCAC!!! If you want to see the full ranking layout for this week, feel free. If not, here are your week 5 rankings.

12. Clown Question Bro (Previous Ranking: 11 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 5

Point Differential Rank: 12

Civil War Comparison Rank: 10

Not much going here for CQB. Despite decent manager involvement, it’s hard to get past having the worst point differential in the league. Maybe if he would’ve let up a bit in the final weeks of the fantasy basketball season he could’ve come better prepared this year (not bitter).

 

Manny Machado and The Falcon

11. Citizen Kane (Previous Ranking: 12 - Movement: Up 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 12

Point Differential Rank: 11

Civil War Comparison Rank: 4

Despite awful MI and PD ranks, Citizen Kane squeaks in front of CQB on the coattails of MLB iron man Miguel Cabrera. Though he may be on the decline, this triple crown winner will go down as one of the greatest of all time, and must be respected as such, still producing at an all-star level at age 33.

 

Miguel Cabrera and Iron Man

10. Maraika Rockwood (Previous Ranking: 9 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 11

Point Differential Rank: 10

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

 
Paul Goldschmidt and Ant-Man

Maraika avoids the bottom two slots with a healthy dose of decency, and isn’t that the only word to describe Ant-man? Before anyone freaks out and says that Manny Machado should outrank Goldschmidt, remember who won this.

9. Bauptized unto rePenencetance (Previous Ranking: 6 - Movement: Down 3)

Manager Involvement Rank: 7

Point Differential Rank: 7

Civil War Comparison Rank: 10

Although an unimpressive point differential doesn’t help much after a tough early schedule, the real killer for Bauptized is the overall inexperience of team Iron Man newcomer Spiderman. Despite Kris Bryant’s gaudy numbers, he still needs a few more years of experience under his belt before he can consider himself one of the big boys.

Kris Bryant and Spiderman

8. Pitches Be Crazy (Previous Ranking: 5 - Movement: Down 3)

Manager Involvement Rank: 6

Point Differential Rank: 9

Civil War Comparison Rank: 2

Pitches Be Crazy has greatly benefited by the high involvement of manager Charlotte DeBaltzo. However, it was Avengers dark horse Scarlet Witch that is largely responsible for the jump to 8^th. With the ability to perform magic and manipulate minds, Wanda Maximoff can turn any confrontation on its head. Kind of like Matt Sherzer.

 

Matt Sherzer and Scarlet Witch

7. All Braun No Brains (Previous Ranking: 2 - Movement: Down 5)

Manager Involvement Rank: 9

Point Differential Rank: 5

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Low Manager Involvement bumps down ABNB despite a top five point differential. However, Civil War catalyst Bucky keeps them in the race. There are not many out there with a left arm as strong and skilled as Clayton Kershaw, and Bucky serves as a formidable comparison.

 

Clayton Kershaw and Bucky Barnes

6. The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Previous Ranking: 10 - Movement: Up 4)

Manager Involvement Rank: 8

Point Differential Rank: 4

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

The Bay of Puigs Invasion comes it at #6, but it’s not the Dodgers’ star that headline’s this squad. NYC bomber and overall bad-A Yoenis Cespedes has earned that title. Also, if you had to pick an Avenger that fit the description “overall bad-A”, it would be this guy.

 

Yoenis Cespedes and Black Panther

5. SHARK areNADO (Previous Ranking: 4 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 3

Point Differential Rank: 8

Civil War Comparison Rank: 2

No one benefitted more from the MIP CAC system than SHARK areNADO. Manager Corry Smith has already made 11 moves in just 4 weeks, beating out perennial fidgety GM Sam DeBaltzo for highest total. Having 5 tool star Nolan Arenado doesn’t hurt. As a Gold Glover that bats over .300, is top 5 in RBI, and leads the majors in HR, this stud has no weaknesses. Part man, part robot, The Vision presents similar problems.

 

Nolan Arenado and The Vision

4. Wok it Out (Previous Ranking: 8/7 - Movement: Up 3/4)

Manager Involvement Rank: 3

Point Differential Rank: 3

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Wok it Out brings the killer combo of high manager involvement and an exceptional Point Differential rating. However, it’s Avenger sidekick Hawkeye that holds the group back. Jake Arrieta has proven that when he is on, he doesn’t miss, notching his second no-hitter in a calendar year last month. Unfortunately for Hawkeye, deadly accuracy alone isn’t enough though when fighting the supers of the world. Plus, everyone knows that pitching doesn’t win games…

 

Jake Arrieta and Hawkeye

3. Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 3 - Movement: 0)

Manager Involvement Rank: 1

Point Differential Rank: 6

Civil War Comparison Rank: 4

What Michigan Cougars lack in playing ability, they make up for in Manager Involvement. Manager Sam DeBaltzo steals the #1 ranking after making 11 moves and being the second most active on Facebook. MLB golden boy Mike Trout has become the face of the league, much like American golden boy Captain America has for the Avengers. Whether or not he will be able to retain that title is yet to be seen.

 

Mike Trout and Captain America

2. Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 8/7 - Movement: Up 5/6)

Manager Involvement Rank: 9

Point Differential Rank: 2

Civil War Comparison Rank: 1

Poor manager (read Facebook) involvement negates a great Civil War comparison rank as Billy Beane slides in at #2. What would change in manager Taylor Call’s life if he spent more time on Facebook? Would he find his wife? Would he learn cool math tricks? Would he get caught up in the Crapstone mayhem and join the Dane, Maraika, Austin Coalition to take down J. Tyler? The world may never know.

That being said, lets just talk about Billy Beane brute Giancarlo Stanton for a second. The dude has to wear a face mask on his helmet so that his natural breathing doesn’t blow away the pitcher 60 feet away. He tears through his jersey so naturally that’s its impossible to tell whether or not it is painted on. He’s more than just the perfect specimen of man, he’s a monster.

 

The Hulk and Giancarlo Stanton, wait oops…

1. Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 1 - Movement: 0)

Manager Involvement Rank: 2

Point Differential Rank: 1

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Combining the highest point differential with a “typing just to hear myself talk” amount of Facebook posts, Joe Buck Yourself earns this week’s top ranking. Crossbones brings in the #6 Civil War ranking as the guy that wants to shake everything up. Rival to golden boy Mike Trout, Bryce Harper has pledged to “make baseball fun again” by claiming the title for “worst hair in the history of baseball.” Only a personality like this could split up friends Captain America and Iron Man. 

 

Bryce Harper and Crossbones

Honorable Mention: Austin Jones managed to get on the board this week despite a roster including Tim Duncan and Elgin Baylor after adding 3 posts to the Facebook page. Also, that technically makes Austin last place again. Sorry bud. 

Week 4 Power Rankings

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook and Sam DeBaltzo

Week three has come and gone and we have had quite the shake-up in rankings! Billy Beane and Dane Jacobsen (seriously, you have got to get a team name) remain the only unbeaten teams but the power rankings demonstrate this may be solely for strength of schedule. We appear to have some solid bottom-feeders in Citizen Kane and Clown Question Bro. However, Maraika Rockwood (again, team name) has redeemed from her 0-2 start and has absolutely obliterated the rest of the league this week. Here are my absolutely, 74%, sort of, unbiased power rankings for the week:

12: Citizen Kane (Previous Ranking: 11)

The least amount of points in the league, completely horrendous pitching (his staff allows a run every two innings more or less), Danny is going to need to make some savvy waiver wire pickups of functional starters if he wants to bounce back. An 0-3 hole isn’t insurmountable, but this week’s matchup against Alec is a must win.

11: Clown Question Bro (Previous Ranking: 10)

Going from Dustin’s fantasy basketball team to his fantasy baseball team is like being forced to move from Hawaii to 1960 East Germany. While his honey-moon phase may not be over, reality will soon come crashing down on our friend Dustin if he doesn’t win this week. Nothing kills fantasy baseball fever like a slow start, but in a long season, he can turn things around. Lets see if his fantasy basketball knowledge can translate because if he starts to figure things out, watch out.

10: Bay of Puigs Invasion (Previous Ranking: 8)

Alec’s team gets a ton of hits and doubles, but unfortunately not as many home runs as he probably needs. A tough loss last week to his personal nemesis Taylor Call must sting deeply, but a win this week against Citizen Kane is just what the doctor ordered. Alec needs Chris Archer to live up to preseason expectations and needs his all latino-lineup to show some of that famed flair and passion if he wants to overcome a subpar start.

9: Maraika Rockwood (Previous Ranking: 12)

I really love this squad. I thought they were going to pull away with a win last week but narrowly missed out. However, this week they showed they were the real deal. Best move of the week? Snagging Javier Baez from the free agents. He hasn’t paid much dividends yet but I have a good feeling about him. But don’t ask me, ask Joe Maddon and Ben Zobrist. I like the squad, I like the management; I thoroughly expect this team to continue winning and end Dane Jacobsen’s winning streak this upcoming week.

8/7: Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 9) & Dane Jacobsen (Previous Ranking: 6)

I’m lumping these two teams together to make a point. While yes, they are the only two undefeated teams this year, I feel like that is more luck than skill. They have had the two lowest amounts of points scored against them (honestly look at the standings page, Taylor has 109 less POINTS against him than Dane, no way that luck keeps up). However, Dane ranks seventh in scoring and Taylor tenth. Jake Arrieta throwing a No-No for Dane and dropping 46 was an amazing performance, but I’m thinking both of these teams are due for a sharp decline. However, like the very overrated Derek Jeter once said, the best teams don’t win championships, the hottest ones do.

6: Bautized unto rePencetance (Previous Ranking: 1)

I’ll admit; I was in agreement with J. Tyler Cook’s assessment of the quality of this team at the start of the season. However, although Bautized unto rePencetance has a record of 2-1, I have not been impressed with management for a few reasons, including:

(1) the fact that he took over a week to remove Kyle Schwarber (perhaps he is as optimistic as some Cub’s fans).

(2) His failure to set his lineup when Jacob DeGrom and Aaron Nola both played this week to combine for 40 fantasy points.

I can’t drop rePencetance too low, he’s got a solid squad. However, he won’t get away with failing to set a lineup long in this league.

5: Pitches Be Crazy (Previous Ranking: 5)

I’m keeping Pitches Be Crazy this high because I truly believe this was just a major off-weak for them. However, if they have another week like last, they can expect to plummet in the rankings. (Tylers Note) – And they have the misfortune of going against the best team ever assembled this week in fantasy. Hey Charlotte, you know how I just obliterated your husband and stuffed him in a fantasy baseball locker? Well, get ready for a gentlemen’s pitch slap at the hand of my boys this week. Nothing makes us happier than beating a DeBaltzo. But good work so far on your team.

4: SHARK areNADO (Previous Ranking: 3)

Corry’s team had a little bit of bad luck last week, as Maraika’s team came out of nowhere to lay a beat down on him, but Corry’s 1-2 record is misleading. Fourth in the league in fantasy points (a better indicator for future performance than record) and led by Nolan Arenado and some savvy pickups, I could see Corry going on a little hot streak right here. With five pitchers going on Monday, don’t be surprised if Corry takes down the undefeated Billy Beane and is the high scorer this week. Plus, his attendance in tonight’s game in Coors field in Colorado to scout Gregory Polance, Chad Bettis and Nolan Arenado will only inspire the players to do well.

3: Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 7)

Although critiqued as the Pitching equivalent of a “butterface,” I have to say; the Cougars’ pitching should make every team hate their bullpens – the Cougars have 55 more strikeouts than any other team! The pickup of Ryan Madson this week was absolutely phenomenal; he has been nothing but unstoppable. With an army of closers and so-far underperforming aces up my sleeve, the Cougars should be topping the rankings shortly.

2: Daaaaang Daniel (Previous Ranking: 2)

Creighton’s team is led by power hitting up the wazoo, as him and Tyler have more than 10 home runs than the next closest teams. And for a team owned by Creighton, it makes sense that one of his best players has the last name Braun. Seriously, if Ryan Braun returns to steroid form (batting .364 with 5 home runs so far) Creighton may have the best lineup in the league. This week against Sean could be huge in establishing early season dominance. As a side note, Creighton is not too proud to go back to his days of man-handling other men while wearing just a banana-hammock. Watch out peeps.

1: Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 4)

Tyler’s massive ego may stop him from learning a lesson this but all reports suggest that he should have invested in a little better pitching. Admittedly, Jose Fernandez and some other starters absolutely imploded this week. Are we seeing a pitching overhaul in the near future?

Despite my taunts, Joe Buck Yourself has some amazing hitting and deserves to be ranked this high. I mean, Bryce Harper hit a home run on his day off! Wow. Good play ol’ sport. And, when push comes to shove, he was able to pull out a win late Sunday night in a highly contested matchup with the Cougars.

Basketball Wrap-Up

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook
  So this will probably be copied and pasted onto the blog, but I wanted to congratulate my close personal friend Dustin Jensen on winning the fantasy basketball championships. In the irony of ironies, a team named after John Stockton won a championship with a point guard who could actually score in crunch time. It's easy to say Steph carried Dustin to the championship victory with an all time season, but I think that is short selling the work and all around savvy he showed as an owner this year. Honestly it's kind of embarrassing to have a new kid just come in and OWN from top to bottom, going 14-2-1 in the regular season before winning every playoff matchup. While I look at his team and see guys like Shelvin Mack and Gorgei Dieng, Dustin saw potential (Dieng dropped 37 the last week of the season). Honestly, Dustin's team shows how he won. He showed no previous biases (even letting Enes Kanter, a known Jazz hater, stay on his team) and wasn't scared to pick up people who had hot weeks turn into hot seasons (Hood, Dieng, Barea, Mack). Dustin consistently had a team full of players who had the hot hand, led by Steph Curry who had the hot hand all season. So congrats Dustin, amazing season dude and ironically may be a record that is never broken (16-2-1 is absurd dominance). Job well done buddy!
  And congrats to Sean too. I'll be honest, Sean never seemed like a "Fantasy" type of guy, but it was awesome having you care haha. Leagues are a lot better when you're using your sports knowledge past draft day. Awesome season and you probably had the most fun, considering every single main guy on your team is like a personal favorite of yours (Butler, Kawhi, Jabari, Jokic, Greek Freak). Awesome job and great season.
  With basketball gone we will turn our attention towards baseball and football, but let the league page be updated and this season be remembered! Good work everyone! (Except Austin and Sam for making a trade that almost submarined the season). But thanks for that as well! Cuz we learned from it and are progressing as a league because of it! Love you all!

Week 1 Recap and Week 2 Power Rankings

Courtesy of Charlotte DeBaltzo:

The first week of play has ended and the scores are in.  Some teams came out swinging while others meandered their way onto the field, unsure if they needed a glove or a bat.  There were a couple of surprising injuries, some great pick-ups, and incredible plays, but most importantly of all, the highlights were the players’ photos. 

12: Maraika Rockwood (Maraika Rockwood)

111 fantasy points this week

Maraika Rockwood’s team had the roughest starting week in the entire league.  With total points way below the next highest scorer, this team struggled a little, which is why they’re ranked 12^th.  Fortunately for the team, they can score points in more than just baseball.  Her team’s highest scorer was Paul Goldschmidt, with 2 home runs and 25 points.  But more important than that, Paul was voted “Most Likely To Be On The Cover of Sports Illustrated, Swimsuit Edition.”  With this good looking hunk on her team, I’m sure they’ll be able to turn the team around and have an amazing week. 

11: Citizen Kane (Daniel Hellrung)

195 fantasy points this week

Daniel Hellrung’s week went a little better, although 11^th isn’t much of a ranking.  Citizen Kane was able to scrounge up a total of 195 points with the help of the reigning AL MVP, Josh Donaldson, who scored a whopping 35 points.  Although he was able to carry the team this week, in order for Citizen Kane to make it in this league, the rest of the team needs to pick up the slack.  Especially since Josh was voted “Most likely to be found naked and hungover in the dugout.”  Hopefully, for the sake of Citizen Kane, he’ll keep it together this week so he can score those high numbers for the team. 

10: Clown Question Bro (Dustin Jensen)

196 fantasy points this week

Dustin Jensen’s Team is ranked 10^th this week, barely passing Citizen Kane.  It was most likely due to the magic of Chris Sale, Clown Question Bro’s highest scorer.  With a total of 38 points, Sale struck out 6 hitters and had a great week.  But although he’s great at baseball, he may not be all there mentally.  It was probably for this reason that Sale was voted “Most Likely to Laugh at Tyler Cook’s jokes.”  Whether out of sympathy or misunderstanding, it’s a fact that Sale should probably stick to his work on the baseball diamond. 

9: Billy Beane (Taylor Call) 

223 fantasy points this week

With over 223 points, Taylor Call’s team is ranked 9^th this week.  Although at the bottom, Billy Beane showed some promise this upcoming week.  With their high scorer striking out 10 hitters across 7 scoreless innings, it’s no wonder that this week should be better.  Felix Hernandez scored a total of 37 points for his team and there’s no reason he won’t do it again.  Voted “Most Likely to Provide Mediocre Customer Service at Tiffany and Co.,” there’s a chance that he may be quit his baseball day job.  If not, Billy Beane has potential to move up in the league. 

8: The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Alec Rockwood) 

231 fantasy points this week

There is a very good reason that Alec Rockwood’s team name is The Bay of Puigs Invasion.  Ranking 8^th this week, the team scored a total of 231 points with the help of their high scorer, Yasiel Puig.  Although not the highest individual scorer, he helped his team tremendously being 3 for 4 in a win against the Padres and scoring a total of 32 points.  In part because of this, that athletic juggernaut was voted “Most Likely to Be Mistaken for LeBron James on MLB 2K14.”  That animated face will not let him down this week. 

7: Michigan Cougars (Sam DeBaltzo) 

248 fantasy points this week

Sam DeBaltzo’s team was able to pull out a 7^th place ranking, with 248 points.  The Michigan Cougars must be a well-rounded team, with their high scorer only earning the team 27 points.  Even though Madison Bumgarner has a girls name, he showed that he’s serious pitching 6 innings with only 1 run.  That’s a pretty great start, even if Madison’s family didn’t have a great start.  Voted “Most Likely To Be the Child of a Yetti,” Madison has really made a good life for himself.  Michigan Cougars would be wise to never make him too upset. 

6: Dane Jacobsen (Dane Jacobsen) 

253 fantasy points this week

With the third highest scoring player this last week, Dane Jacobsen’s team was only able to make it to a 6^th place ranking.  Even though Jake Arrieta had a great week, his 47 points didn’t make up for the rest of the team not playing the best they could.  Hopefully they’ll take after Arrieta this week, with 3 earned runs, 6 strikeouts, and no walks.  He was voted “Most Likely to be Homeless in a Year,” but with the help of his team, hopefully he’ll last a little longer than that.  Jacobsen sure needs it. 

5: Pitches Be Crazy (Charlotte DeBaltzo)

270 fantasy points this week

Charlotte DeBaltzo’s team is ranked 5^th this week with the help of DJ LeMahieu.  LeMajieu scored a total of 30 points, which contributed to the 270 points for Pitches Be Crazy.  Even though he’s a red head, he didn’t throw off the groove of the team, which is likely to stay closer to the top of the rankings.  LeMajieu was voted “Most likely to be used as a Pacific Island Shrunken Head.”  If he can keep his head for the entire season, Pitches Be Crazy is the number one choice for the championship.

4: Joe Buck Yourself (Tyler Cook)

302 fantasy points this week

Although a surprise, Tyler Cook’s team is ranked 4^th this week.  With 302 points from the last week, the prospects for the team are looking good.  The highest scorer was Robinson Cano, scoring 2 home runs and earning a total of 31 points.  Even though this was a great thing, he was voted “Most Likely to have turned to baseball after failing a GQ photoshoot.”  If Cano doesn’t end up in a magazine this week, or any of the following weeks, Joe Buck Yourself is a team that could prove hard to beat. 

3: SHARK areNADO (Corry Smith)

318 fantasy points this week

Ranked 3^rd in the league, Corry Smith’s team scored an amazing 318 points.  This is a great start for the team SHARK areNADO, and for their highest scorer Buster Posey.  Posey hit a solo home run and a run against the Dodgers and scored 29 points for the team.  This number may seem surprising coming from the player who was voted “Most Likely to Call His Mom Three Times a Day.”  But although Posey looks young and may still need his mom, he’s a solid player on a solid team. 

2: Daaaaang Daniel (Creighton Hardy)

322 fantasy points this week

  

Creighton Hardy’s team had an amazing week, and for that reason, Daaaaaang Daniel ranks 2^nd.  The team earned 322 points for the entire week, with Clayton Kershaw earning a whopping 53 points.  Kershaw was the highest scorer this week in the entire league and Daaaaaang Daniel is lucky to have him.  He struck out five batters and is an indispensable asset for the team, although he may be dangerous.  He was voted “Most Likely to Kill Someone with His Chin.”  If he can keep the chin under control, Daaaaaang Daniel is one of the best teams in the league. 

1: Bautized unto rePencetance (Sean Rockwood)

366 fantasy points this week

The highest scoring team last week is Sean Rockwood’s team, Bautized unto rePencetance.  The team’s total score was 366, way ahead of the rest of the pack.  One reason for this might be thanks to the astounding rookie Trevor Story.  Beginning his career with 51 points, his season looks great.  It will be tough to beat Bautized unto rePencetance, but there is a chance.  Especially since Story was voted “Most Likely to Have No Idea What’s Going On, But Still Hit Home Runs.”  Hopefully he can keep that up, or Bautized unto rePencetance may fall from the number 1 ranking.  

Baseball Preseason Power Rankings

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook

Well here we go boys and girls, another fantasy baseball season is upon us. The smell of hope, fresh grass and poo-pourri in our apartment due to ballpark hot dogs is in front. And with a fresh season, comes a fresh batch of power rankings. Are you all happy with your teams? Because I’m about to make a list that will make or break your spirits early. There is a lot of season to be played, trades to be made and players to be acquired. With new players Dustin Jensen, Charlotte Debaltzo, Dane Jacobsen, and Creighton Hardy, a learning curve can be expected. But these fierce competitors have shown intense competitive spirit, and in Charlotte’s case the ability to live through hell (married to Sam Debaltzo) and keep moving forward.

Disclaimer: Honestly, I think all the teams are pretty evenly matched. A couple teams stand out in my eyes but don’t be surprised if these are completely wrong at years end. I also put my thoughts on each teams best and worst pick.

Rankings

12. Billy Beane – Taylor Call

Taylor was not able to attend the draft, and boy does it reflect on his team. On one hand, he has pretty much half of the coolest players in the MLB (Correa, Stanton, Sano is an absurd top three hitters), on the other hand, the latter rounds killed him as the depth on his squad is just not there. He has two of the best relief pitchers in baseball, two solid aces in Cole and Felix and with a few savvy pickups or trades, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him rocket up the standings. As of now, his team is here, but after he fixes the autodrafts mistakes with a few key pickups I wouldn’t be surprised if he was in playoff contention down the road.

Best Pick- Felix Hernandez Round 7 – A potential top five pitcher round seven? Steal.

Worst Pick-  Danny Castro Round 15 – It was between him and Ben Revere, Castro is not even projected to play in the majors… yikes.

11. Charlotte Debaltzo – Charlotte Debaltzo

While the team name leaves a lot to be desired, Charlotte has already begun to impress league members with her savvy use of the DL spot and her first selections. Like Taylor’s team and the middle school girl who hit puberty before everyone else, Charlotte is top heavy with not a lot of substance upon further review. Scherzer, Gray, Quintana, Encarnacion, and Jansen are some of the best at their respective positions, but Charlotte will need repeat all-star performances from D.J. Lemahieu and Matt Carpenter to keep her team afloat.

Best Pick – Yordana Ventura Round 16 – Guy throws a 100 MPH fastball and is playoff tested. Great team and I bet he brings dividends.

Worst Pick – J.D. Martinez Round 3 – I am not sold on his 38 HR season and avoid guys with such a little track record, especially if they weren’t stud prospects.

10. Maraika Rockwood – Maraika Rockwood

Maraika Rockwood has long impressed other general managers with her sports fandom and fantasy knowledge. Always the preseason favorite to win the bracket challenge, Maraika has expanded her talents to the fantasy baseball world, where she immediately fell out of favor with me when she viciously stole Mookie Betts (my favorite player) one selection in front of me. With the exception of Billy Hamilton and Adam Pollock (I think he may be out for the season), Maraika actually sports a stellar lineup from top to bottom. However, her pitching leaves a lot to be desired. She also shocked the world and especially her cousin-in-law Sean Rockwood when, like a savage, she drafted Gio (GLO) Gonzalez. Maraika is like Edward Norton in the Italian Job, not knowing which players she wants so instead she steals the players (Betts-Tyler, Gonzalez-Sean) of others. While it may not lead to fantasy success, Maraika is quickly establishing herself as the bad girl of fantasy baseball.

Best Pick- Carlos Gomez Round 3 – He has been a first rounder for like 5 years in a row, has one off year, and falls two rounds? Wouldn’t be surprise if he finishes as a top 15 player.

Worst Pick- Billy Hamilton Round 10 – He gets steals but literally has no other fantasy value, ESPN Rankings misled her here.

9. Dane Jacobsen – Dane Jacobsen

Another rookie to fantasy baseball, Dane is long remembered as being absolutely unstoppable at the plate at Alec Rockwood’s bachelor party, hitting the gap more frequently than a teenage Mormon boys mother. The draft revealed one more thing about Mr. Jacobsen, his subconscious (potentially conscious?) love of Asian baseball players. Led by Byung Ho Park (bless you!), Kolten Wong, and Yu Darvish, Dane’s team not only plays baseball, but would put a strangle hold on all of your squads in Sudoku or anything math related. Unfortunately, these are not categories in this league. Dane’s trio of aces (Arietta, Kluber, Cueto) and solid relievers hold up against anyone else in the league. However, he will need significant production from Adrian Beltre and rookie Corey Seager to complement star OF for the Pittsburgh Pirates Andrew Mccutcheon. If those feisty Asians come to play, Dane could be a darkhorse contender.

Best Pick – Corey Seager Round 6 – I am a believer. Best prospect in the game, mashed in his small sample last year, solid lineup. Could be this years Carlos Correa and has upside for days.

Worst Pick – Marte has the superficial stats everyone values, but 27 walks to 123 K’s adds up over a full season. If he cuts down the K’s he can be a star, but I think that massive deficiency masks his strengths.

8. Clown Question Bro – Dustin Jensen

A great team name and impressive use of gif as a team logo (featuring fan favorite Patrick Starr) created quite a buzz for the fantasy baseball (but probably not real life) virgin. This lady killer is fielding a pretty solid squad led by third baseman Manny Machado and ace lefty Chris Sale. While his team has no gaping holes, Jensen’s infield outside of the aforementioned Machado leaves a lot to be desired. His mediocre closers and pitching outside of his top two also could be considered slightly below average. Dustin’s team is like that girl that is in love with you that you can get at any time. High floor, low upside. Dustin is a ferocious competitor (as shown by his fantasy basketball acumen) and his “take no prisoners” attitude may prove me wrong come seasons end.

Best Pick –Adam Jones Round 6 – Like Carlos Gomez, Jones is a proven star in a solid lineup who should exceed this production.

Worst Pick – George Springer Round 4 – Like Marte above, the guy strikes out a ton. He will have weeks where he wins it singlehandedly for Dustin, and other weeks where he’ll whiff every other at bat.

7. Michigan Cougars – Sam Debaltzo

Sam’s absolutely lethal pitching (body) and awful hitting (face) makes him the fantasy baseball version of a butterface. Rumor has it he may change his name to the Michigan Kelsey Mauss’s (I feel horrible for that joke). After taking Mike Trout, Sam abandoned his hitting like a crackhead mother abandons her child and went straight after Bumgarner, Price, Keuchel. Sam also is close to gaining a monopoly on closing pitchers which gives him another definite advantage. However, I just don’t see his hitting being able to put up points consistently (outside of Trout) and if his pitchers ever have an offweek, he is a sure loss. Sam’s team will provide an interesting answer to the fantasy baseball question, pitching or hitting?

Best Pick – David Price Round 3 – As a huge Red Sox homer, I think Price is the second best pitcher in baseball this year.

Worst Pick – Madison Bumgarner Round 2 – Guy has logged a TON of innings, Giants young pitchers have shown a tendency to fall off a cliff (Lincecum, Cain). Think this year he regresses.

6. Citizen Kane – Danny Hellrung

This mystery player to half the league has been a quiet and consistent force in the Crapstone Fantasy leagues, and his team features more power than this Will.I.Am. and Justin Bieber single that was straight up bumpin. Miguel Cabrera, AL MVP Josh Donaldson, Chris Davis, Nelson Cruz, Justin Upton and Freddie Freeman is downright nasty. However, he undoubtedly has the worst pitching in the league, making him a reverse butter face (sorry if these rankings are getting offensive). A super cute face, but AWFUL body… like Creighton Hardy). However, I side with hitting over pitching so he gets the nod over Sam’s squad.

Best Pick – Justin Upton Round 5 – Leaving San Diego to bat behind Miggy C? Monster season ahead.

Worst Pick – Nelson Cruz Round 4 – Guy hit a ton of homers last year but I think he will be a bust this year.

5. SHARK areNADO – Corry Smith

After screwing me over by taking Mookie Betts last year and winning the fantasy baseball championship, Corry deserves our respect. Honestly, if he weren’t the manager I’d rank this team lower but he has created a winning atmosphere. The best infield in the league with a decent enough OF compensates for his pitching (Garret Richards, Stroman and Teheran are all pitchers who could make the leap from good to great though). If Corrys pitchers progress like they should, and jump to the elite level, Corry will be back at it again (with the white vans! Covering his nasty gigantor toe). Will Corry’s impending marriage distract him from a potential repeat? Time will tell.

Best Pick – Steven Strasburg Round 6- Look at the pitchers who went rounds 2-5 and tell me Strasburg isn’t just as good as them.

Worst Pick – Dee Gordon Round 2 – Steals are a nice bonus, but if he can’t sustain his .333 batting average from last year you’ll see his stats fall across the board.

4. Team Rockwood – Alec Rockwood

What Dane is to Asians, Alec is to Cubans. Jose Abreu, Yoenes Cespedes, and Yasiel Puig are three super talented players who would never show up to a game on time if they actually coexisted in the same clubhouse. When I look at Alec’s team, I just think it is super solid across the board with no glaring weaknesses. If Puig bounces back and Cespedes continues with his Mets magic, Alec’s team will be going places. Also, it never hurts to have a greek god in your rotation. Lets hope chemistry issues don’t derail what could be a promising clubhouse. But if Alec knows how to done thing, its keeping a house in order and he can break bones when he needs to (almost always his own).

Best Pick – Yasiel Puig Round 8 – A huge risk/reward play, the upside is worth an 8^th rounder.

Worst Pick – Charlie Blackmon Round 3 – He has coors and the rockies lineup and he is good, don’t get me wrong, just like a lot of guys who went soon after better than him.

3. Daaaaang Daniel – Creighton Hardy

The highest ranked fantasy newby, Creighton completely nailed his autopicked draft this year. Many of my projected under the radar players fell right into his lap (Rizzo, Odour (Game of Thrones reference) Ortiz). His loaded lineup is even more impressive when you factor in he has the undisputed best baseball pitcher in the game in Clayton Kershaw (That definitely sounds like a General Authority name by the way). Creighton’s relative inexperience may cost him, but there is no denying his team has talent in spades and if worse comes to worse, he can beat up his whole squad and knock some sense into them.

Best Pick – Rougned Odor Round 7 – Guy absolutely mashed after a slow start last year, highly touted prospect, great ballpark and lineup, and not a lot of good second basemen. My projections really liked him.

Worst Pick – Carlos Gonzalez Round 5 – More hate for another Rockies OF, I bet he starts hot, gets traded and his production suffers away from Coors.

2. Bautized unto Repencetance – Sean Rockwood

My biggest mistake of the draft was calling Sean Rockwood three minutes before draft time and reminding him to participate, as Sean just has an absolutely stacked team. His team is young full of upside (Schwarber, Bryant) or established veterans (Tulo, Longoria, Joey Bats, Ellsbury). Now add in Degrom, Greinke, and an extremely solid pitching staff and Sean is looking like a title contender. After a successful fantasy basketball campaign, can Sean continue his fantasy success, or will his newfound riches and lust for money caused by the big city (D.C.) corrupt him. Only time will tell

Best Pick/Worst Pick – Troy Tulowitzki SS Round 3 – If he is healthy, great pick, if not, awful pick. Unfortunately, Tulo doesn’t have the best history of health.

Best Pick – Zach Greinke Round 5 – Top 3 pitcher last year and stays in NL West. What’t not to like?

1 Joe Buck Yourselves – Tyler Cook

I have been called many things, but very rarely have I been called humble (I generally call it honesty). Later this year you will all bow down to me as a fantasy sports god. No glaring weaknesses, one of the top two players in baseball (Bryce Harper) with proven veterans throughout the lineup (Votto, Cano, Saeger) as well as some upside and bounceback candidates (Reddick and Hanley Ramirez and Starlin Castro) it’s safe to say I’m feeling great about my squad. Ace Jose Fernandez is one of the biggest bad a***** in the league and to have him followed up by ace lefties Lester and Liriano (alliteration much?) has me feeling awfully great about the year this year. Will my preseason hard work and number crunching make me the fantasy baseball Billy Beane (what Taylor aspires to be)? I say yes.

Best Pick – This is like picking the hottest girl in a Miss Universe pageant, but I’ll go Josh Reddick Round 16… look at his points per game and track record, and factor in a potential trade to a better team/ballpark and Reddick will be a stud.

Worst Pick – Hanley Ramirez Round 8 – My boy, guy is as brittle as a potato chip. Like Tulo, health is key but like Tulo, not a great track record. Not sure if the upside is worth the risk.

Championship Week

Championship Week

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo:

Championship week is upon us. We have a lot of absolutely irrelevant matchups (although the Michigan Cougars will be doing their darnedest to win the totally unrecognized, imaginary third place trophy; it’s just to show Charlotte I didn’t waste the past five months). However, if anyone is seeking to make their insignificant match more exciting, the Michigan Cougars and Lawrence Jr. Wombats have agreed to play this matchup in a series of two-on-two games.

            Well, two matchups that do matter: First, the Crapstone™, our favorite imaginary trophy (which we are hoping will materialize into a real trophy in the coming future). Second, the Plain ol’ Crap™ looks to be a bitter battle between two teams that we hope strap-up and fight out the battle of the bottom.

The Crapstone

Stockton’s Short Shorts

Why they’ll win: They are on a roll. S³ has not lost a game since WEEK 3!!! They had a draw with Bad Karma Krew in Week 9 but have quite literally been unstoppable since two quick losses in the beginning of the season. Even with the draw, they are currently on a 10-game winning streak.

More important than anything else, in the words of J. Tyler Cook: Dustin "is hellbent on winning.” That’s the spirit.

Why they’ll lose: It’s the end of the season. S^3’s top 6 players are all on teams headed to the playoffs, and 3 of them (DeMar DeRozan, Stephen Curry, Enes Kanter) are on teams that have all-but set their playoff position. S³ could take a hit if the coaches start to rest these players. However, as Steph Curry and DeMar Rozan continue to play about 70 minutes each in every game, this could be a non-issue.

Team His Airness

Why they’ll win: They have won all season. They have a consistent team and the quality trio of Kyle Lowry, Kawhi Leonard, and Jimmy Butler have given them an awesome team. Even more, Giannis Antetokounmpo has been unstoppable over the past 30 days.

More important than anything else, look at this face:

Why they’ll lose: Imagine what everyone says about the Cavaliers and being the best in the Eastern Conference record. Sorry Team His Airness, but being in the weaker conference with a weaker schedule means you have to deal with everything the Cavs do. On another note, Kawhi Leonard has now missed three games in a row, that has gotta hurt.

Projected Winner: Unfortunately for Team His Airness, despite their continued success, they are in the same position as anyone who faces Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors in the actual NBA this season. That is, it is their job to prove that S³ can be beaten. This should be a close matchup, but I give S³ the upper edge as they have obliterated competition throughout the entire season whereas Team His Airness has had a weak schedule that casts continual doubt on their ability to excel.

Plain ol’ Crap

Courtesy of Dustin Jensen:

In what is sure to be the biggest snooze fest since the Spurs Cavaliers Finals in 2007, Popovich Bears suits up (at least partially) to face the equally unenthusiastic Big Daddy team.  In researching the last time either team actually tried to win, I am unsure Popovich Bear ever seriously tried to win this season, if so, certainly not after week 3.  The three wins to Popovich Bear (3-16 including playoffs) were by a combined 117 points.  The 16 losses? 2885.  As Gregg Popovich continues his quest to land another Tim Duncan in the draft next season, Team Tank has shown its determination by refusing to play 6/13 players.  Danny Green and Tyreke Evans highlight this dis-animated bench crew, and are planning a revolt.

Big Daddy’s Win total including playoffs is at a robust 5-14 with a combined winning total of 454 and a loss total of 1619.  The biggest surprise here is that Big Daddy actually won the first three matchups.   Suddenly scared of success and effort, Big Daddy promptly began to bench rebellious players and obliterate any hope at relevance.  Calls were made to hire a coaching staff of Ty Corbin and Brian Shaw, only to find them too successful.

It’s almost sad to tell you that one of these teams is going to win this week, and that a half–a’d effort put forth to actually set a lineup for at least one of the weeks would surely guarantee a victory.  Can you imagine if a coach told a player “just walk up and down the floor on half of the possessions, try not to get in the way of your teammates, and we’ll certainly get a win”.  Who knows, maybe it will end in a tie out of sheer spite.

Projected Winner: The only half tanking Big Daddy gets the win (which in real life is like calling a life sentence mitigated to 40 years and then permanent parole a victory).

Playoff Round 2

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook:

  Well boys we are down to the final stretch. A long season full of intense competition between the six of us who actually cared is coming to an end. This league is like Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood, very interesting beginning, awful middle, but the ending is sucking us back in. We have incredible story lines from Dustin Jensen’s Stockton's Short Shorts being a dynamo to Sean Rockwood’s His Airness having a ridiculous two weeks. Can fan favorite and underdog Corry Smith’s Lawrence Jr. Wombats pull off the upset with their never say die attitude pull off a dramatic comeback, and will the hate worthy, detestable, corrupt Michigan Cougars meet karma for that bogus Carmelo trade. Lets take a look at the two matchups and potential finals preview.

Matchup 1

Michigan Cougars vs Stockton’s Short Shorts

I’ll be honest, I look at Stockton’s Short Shorts and I have no idea how his team is good. He has the entire Utah Jazz bench, and former Jazz stars such as Jazz Icon and fan favorite Enes Kanter and the still somehow relevant Paul Millsap. However, one look at his team and you realize why he is where he is… Steven Adams. Unless there is fantasy relevance in fu manchu mustaches and pissing off opponents, Dustin’s team is simply greater than the sum of its parts. The ability of Dustin to make this team amazing reminds me of Jerry Sloans ability to turn John Stockton into a passable point guard. Jensen really is the master of making lemonade out of lemons.

However, don’t rule out Sam Debaltzo’s squad just yet. To his credit, he hasn’t played Lillard due to a sense of guilt over trade raping Austin Jones. A very admirable quality. On paper, Sam may have the superior team. However, fantasy basketball requires us to go over 15 deep and that is where Dustin has the advantage. However, if Nowitzki keeps playing reDIRKulously and and Melo gets hot, he can pull off the comeback. Rumors of Lebron James being disgruntled and even unfollowing the Michigan Cougars on twitter is a cause of concern though. Once again, James falls short in the playoffs which he will inevitably blame on someone else.

Prediction: Stockton’s Short Shorts wins

Matchup 2

Team His Airness vs Lawrence Jr. Wombats

What a joke that Corry’s 7-10 regular season team beat mine. However, the clock is about to strike midnight for this Cinderella team and the vengeful part of me couldn’t be happier. However, there is something to be said about this team, and you have to admire the guts and courage they’ve shown. Players such as college stars Kemba Walker and Gordon Heyward have led this team to a surprising run, however, the clock is about to strike midnight for this squad barring a Northern Iowa type collapse from Team His Airness.

If you name your team after one of the greatest postseason winners of all time, you better be able to back it up, and that’s exactly what Rockwood’s squad has been doing. Following a solid 12-5 season that got him a bye because he played in a crap division. However, Sean’s team is peaking at the right time thanks to a starless lineup full of underdogs and team first players. Bulldog Kyle Lowry, trash talking Kawhi Leonard and weird staring Jimmy Butler have made this team formidable. Not to mention the rumors God is on their side thanks to the team prayers led by Jabari Parker. Quite simply, they are playing their best ball at the right time.

Prediction- Sean advances

Championship Prediction

Team His Airness doesn’t lose in the NBA Finals, a team named after the overrated John Stockton ONLY loses in the NBA Finals, ironically to Michael Jordan for a third time. Can’t blame Malone for this one, as Sean Rockwood claims the title.