Friends, I’m afraid that as members of the Crapstone
kingdom, we are in a time of turmoil. J. Tyler Cook has murdered the DeBaltzo
Duo. Dane, Austin, and Maraika have banded together to form a super random
coalition against Joseph T. on Facebook. What this world needs is a hero.
Well, in commemoration of Donald Trump becoming the
Republican presidential candidate yesterday, I’m taking it upon myself to make
Crapstone great again! Clearly the ESPN ranking system is not enough to create
consensus among Crapstone members, so I have used my valuable (more like $9.50
an hour) time to create one ranking metric to rule them all. I call it MIPCAC!
It goes a little something like this:
1.
Manager Involvement 25%
Ex. Moves + Facebook Posts and
Comments
2.
Point Differential 50%
Ex. Points For – Points Against
3.
How their best player would fare in a Captain
America: Civil War comparison battle. 25% Friday is more important than any
baseball game before September. Tickets here.
Ex. Bartolo Colon = 1978
Incredible Hulk
There you go, MIPCAC!!! If you want to see the full ranking
layout for this week,
feel free. If not, here are your week 5 rankings.
12. Clown Question Bro
Manager Involvement Rank: 5
Point Differential Rank: 12
Civil War Comparison Rank: 10
Not much going here for CQB. Despite decent manager
involvement, it’s hard to get past having the worst point differential in the
league. Maybe if he would’ve let up a bit in the final weeks of the fantasy
basketball season he could’ve come better prepared this year (not bitter).
Manny Machado and The Falcon
11. Citizen Kane
Manager Involvement Rank: 12
Point Differential Rank: 11
Civil War Comparison Rank: 4
Despite awful MI and PD ranks, Citizen Kane squeaks in front
of CQB on the coattails of MLB iron man Miguel Cabrera. Though he may be on the
decline, this triple crown winner will go down as one of the greatest of all
time, and must be respected as such, still producing at an all-star level at
age 33.
Miguel Cabrera and Iron Man
10. Maraika Rockwood
Manager Involvement Rank: 11
Point Differential Rank: 10
Civil War Comparison Rank: 6
Paul Goldschmidt and Ant-Man
Maraika avoids the bottom two slots with a healthy dose of decency, and isn’t that the only word to describe Ant-man? Before anyone freaks out and says that Manny Machado should outrank Goldschmidt, remember who won this.
9. Bauptized unto rePenencetance
Manager Involvement Rank: 7
Point Differential Rank: 7
Civil War Comparison Rank: 10
Although an unimpressive point differential doesn’t help
much after a tough early schedule, the real killer for Bauptized is the overall
inexperience of team Iron Man newcomer Spiderman. Despite Kris Bryant’s gaudy
numbers, he still needs a few more years of experience under his belt before he
can consider himself one of the big boys.
Kris Bryant and Spiderman
8. Pitches Be Crazy
Manager Involvement Rank: 6
Point Differential Rank: 9
Civil War Comparison Rank: 2
Pitches Be Crazy has greatly benefited by the high involvement
of manager Charlotte DeBaltzo. However, it was Avengers dark horse Scarlet
Witch that is largely responsible for the jump to 8th. With the
ability to perform magic and manipulate minds, Wanda Maximoff can turn any
confrontation on its head. Kind of like Matt Sherzer.
Matt Sherzer and Scarlet
Witch
7. All Braun No Brains
Manager Involvement Rank: 9
Point Differential Rank: 5
Civil War Comparison Rank: 6
Low Manager Involvement bumps down ABNB despite a top five
point differential. However, Civil War catalyst Bucky keeps them in the race. There
are not many out there with a left arm as strong and skilled as Clayton
Kershaw, and Bucky serves as a formidable comparison.
Clayton Kershaw and Bucky Barnes
6. The Bay of Puigs Invasion
Manager Involvement Rank: 8
Point Differential Rank: 4
Civil War Comparison Rank: 6
The Bay of Puigs Invasion comes it at #6, but it’s not the
Dodgers’ star that headline’s this squad. NYC bomber and overall bad-A Yoenis
Cespedes has earned that title. Also, if you had to pick an Avenger that fit
the description “overall bad-A”, it would be this guy.
Yoenis Cespedes and Black Panther
5. SHARK areNADO
Manager Involvement Rank: 3
Point Differential Rank: 8
Civil War Comparison Rank: 2
No one benefitted more from the MIP CAC system than SHARK areNADO.
Manager Corry Smith has already made 11 moves in just 4 weeks, beating out
perennial fidgety GM Sam DeBaltzo for highest total. Having 5 tool star Nolan
Arenado doesn’t hurt. As a Gold Glover that bats over .300, is top 5 in RBI,
and leads the majors in HR, this stud has no weaknesses. Part man, part robot,
The Vision presents similar problems.
Nolan Arenado and The Vision
4. Wok it Out
Manager Involvement Rank: 3
Point Differential Rank: 3
Civil War Comparison Rank: 6
Wok it Out brings the killer combo of high manager
involvement and an exceptional Point Differential rating. However, it’s Avenger
sidekick Hawkeye that holds the group back. Jake Arrieta has proven that when
he is on, he doesn’t miss, notching his second no-hitter in a calendar year
last month. Unfortunately for Hawkeye, deadly accuracy alone isn’t enough
though when fighting the supers of the world. Plus, everyone knows that
pitching doesn’t win games…
Jake Arrieta and Hawkeye
3. Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 3 - Movement: 0)
Manager Involvement Rank: 1
Point Differential Rank: 6
Civil War Comparison Rank: 4
What Michigan Cougars lack in playing ability, they make up
for in Manager Involvement. Manager Sam DeBaltzo steals the #1 ranking after
making 11 moves and being the second most active on Facebook. MLB golden boy
Mike Trout has become the face of the league, much like American golden boy
Captain America has for the Avengers. Whether or not he will be able to retain
that title is yet to be seen.
Mike Trout and Captain
America
2. Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 8/7 - Movement: Up 5/6)
Manager Involvement Rank: 9
Point Differential Rank: 2
Civil War Comparison Rank: 1
Poor manager (read Facebook) involvement negates a great
Civil War comparison rank as Billy Beane slides in at #2. What would change in
manager Taylor Call’s life if he spent more time on Facebook? Would he find his
wife? Would he learn cool math tricks? Would he get caught up in the Crapstone
mayhem and join the Dane, Maraika, Austin Coalition to take down J. Tyler? The
world may never know.
That being said, lets just talk about Billy Beane brute
Giancarlo Stanton for a second. The dude has to wear a face
mask on his helmet so that his natural breathing doesn’t blow away the
pitcher 60 feet away. He tears through his jersey so naturally that’s its
impossible to tell whether or not it is painted
on. He’s more than just the perfect specimen of man, he’s a monster.
The Hulk and Giancarlo Stanton, wait oops…
1. Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 1 - Movement: 0)
Manager Involvement Rank: 2
Point Differential Rank: 1
Civil War Comparison Rank: 6
Combining the highest point differential with a “typing just
to hear myself talk” amount of Facebook posts, Joe Buck Yourself earns this
week’s top ranking. Crossbones brings in the #6 Civil War ranking as the guy
that wants to shake everything up. Rival to golden boy Mike Trout, Bryce Harper
has pledged to “make baseball fun again” by claiming the title for “worst
hair in the history of baseball.” Only a personality like this could split
up friends Captain America and Iron Man.
Bryce Harper and Crossbones
Honorable Mention: Austin Jones managed to get on the board
this week despite a roster including Tim Duncan and Elgin Baylor after adding 3
posts to the Facebook page. Also, that technically makes Austin last place
again. Sorry bud.
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