Championship Week

Championship Week

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo:

Championship week is upon us. We have a lot of absolutely irrelevant matchups (although the Michigan Cougars will be doing their darnedest to win the totally unrecognized, imaginary third place trophy; it’s just to show Charlotte I didn’t waste the past five months). However, if anyone is seeking to make their insignificant match more exciting, the Michigan Cougars and Lawrence Jr. Wombats have agreed to play this matchup in a series of two-on-two games.

            Well, two matchups that do matter: First, the Crapstone™, our favorite imaginary trophy (which we are hoping will materialize into a real trophy in the coming future). Second, the Plain ol’ Crap™ looks to be a bitter battle between two teams that we hope strap-up and fight out the battle of the bottom.

The Crapstone

Stockton’s Short Shorts

Why they’ll win: They are on a roll. S³ has not lost a game since WEEK 3!!! They had a draw with Bad Karma Krew in Week 9 but have quite literally been unstoppable since two quick losses in the beginning of the season. Even with the draw, they are currently on a 10-game winning streak.

More important than anything else, in the words of J. Tyler Cook: Dustin "is hellbent on winning.” That’s the spirit.

Why they’ll lose: It’s the end of the season. S^3’s top 6 players are all on teams headed to the playoffs, and 3 of them (DeMar DeRozan, Stephen Curry, Enes Kanter) are on teams that have all-but set their playoff position. S³ could take a hit if the coaches start to rest these players. However, as Steph Curry and DeMar Rozan continue to play about 70 minutes each in every game, this could be a non-issue.

Team His Airness

Why they’ll win: They have won all season. They have a consistent team and the quality trio of Kyle Lowry, Kawhi Leonard, and Jimmy Butler have given them an awesome team. Even more, Giannis Antetokounmpo has been unstoppable over the past 30 days.

More important than anything else, look at this face:

Why they’ll lose: Imagine what everyone says about the Cavaliers and being the best in the Eastern Conference record. Sorry Team His Airness, but being in the weaker conference with a weaker schedule means you have to deal with everything the Cavs do. On another note, Kawhi Leonard has now missed three games in a row, that has gotta hurt.

Projected Winner: Unfortunately for Team His Airness, despite their continued success, they are in the same position as anyone who faces Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors in the actual NBA this season. That is, it is their job to prove that S³ can be beaten. This should be a close matchup, but I give S³ the upper edge as they have obliterated competition throughout the entire season whereas Team His Airness has had a weak schedule that casts continual doubt on their ability to excel.

Plain ol’ Crap

Courtesy of Dustin Jensen:

In what is sure to be the biggest snooze fest since the Spurs Cavaliers Finals in 2007, Popovich Bears suits up (at least partially) to face the equally unenthusiastic Big Daddy team.  In researching the last time either team actually tried to win, I am unsure Popovich Bear ever seriously tried to win this season, if so, certainly not after week 3.  The three wins to Popovich Bear (3-16 including playoffs) were by a combined 117 points.  The 16 losses? 2885.  As Gregg Popovich continues his quest to land another Tim Duncan in the draft next season, Team Tank has shown its determination by refusing to play 6/13 players.  Danny Green and Tyreke Evans highlight this dis-animated bench crew, and are planning a revolt.

Big Daddy’s Win total including playoffs is at a robust 5-14 with a combined winning total of 454 and a loss total of 1619.  The biggest surprise here is that Big Daddy actually won the first three matchups.   Suddenly scared of success and effort, Big Daddy promptly began to bench rebellious players and obliterate any hope at relevance.  Calls were made to hire a coaching staff of Ty Corbin and Brian Shaw, only to find them too successful.

It’s almost sad to tell you that one of these teams is going to win this week, and that a half–a’d effort put forth to actually set a lineup for at least one of the weeks would surely guarantee a victory.  Can you imagine if a coach told a player “just walk up and down the floor on half of the possessions, try not to get in the way of your teammates, and we’ll certainly get a win”.  Who knows, maybe it will end in a tie out of sheer spite.

Projected Winner: The only half tanking Big Daddy gets the win (which in real life is like calling a life sentence mitigated to 40 years and then permanent parole a victory).

Playoff Round 2

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook:

  Well boys we are down to the final stretch. A long season full of intense competition between the six of us who actually cared is coming to an end. This league is like Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood, very interesting beginning, awful middle, but the ending is sucking us back in. We have incredible story lines from Dustin Jensen’s Stockton's Short Shorts being a dynamo to Sean Rockwood’s His Airness having a ridiculous two weeks. Can fan favorite and underdog Corry Smith’s Lawrence Jr. Wombats pull off the upset with their never say die attitude pull off a dramatic comeback, and will the hate worthy, detestable, corrupt Michigan Cougars meet karma for that bogus Carmelo trade. Lets take a look at the two matchups and potential finals preview.

Matchup 1

Michigan Cougars vs Stockton’s Short Shorts

I’ll be honest, I look at Stockton’s Short Shorts and I have no idea how his team is good. He has the entire Utah Jazz bench, and former Jazz stars such as Jazz Icon and fan favorite Enes Kanter and the still somehow relevant Paul Millsap. However, one look at his team and you realize why he is where he is… Steven Adams. Unless there is fantasy relevance in fu manchu mustaches and pissing off opponents, Dustin’s team is simply greater than the sum of its parts. The ability of Dustin to make this team amazing reminds me of Jerry Sloans ability to turn John Stockton into a passable point guard. Jensen really is the master of making lemonade out of lemons.

However, don’t rule out Sam Debaltzo’s squad just yet. To his credit, he hasn’t played Lillard due to a sense of guilt over trade raping Austin Jones. A very admirable quality. On paper, Sam may have the superior team. However, fantasy basketball requires us to go over 15 deep and that is where Dustin has the advantage. However, if Nowitzki keeps playing reDIRKulously and and Melo gets hot, he can pull off the comeback. Rumors of Lebron James being disgruntled and even unfollowing the Michigan Cougars on twitter is a cause of concern though. Once again, James falls short in the playoffs which he will inevitably blame on someone else.

Prediction: Stockton’s Short Shorts wins

Matchup 2

Team His Airness vs Lawrence Jr. Wombats

What a joke that Corry’s 7-10 regular season team beat mine. However, the clock is about to strike midnight for this Cinderella team and the vengeful part of me couldn’t be happier. However, there is something to be said about this team, and you have to admire the guts and courage they’ve shown. Players such as college stars Kemba Walker and Gordon Heyward have led this team to a surprising run, however, the clock is about to strike midnight for this squad barring a Northern Iowa type collapse from Team His Airness.

If you name your team after one of the greatest postseason winners of all time, you better be able to back it up, and that’s exactly what Rockwood’s squad has been doing. Following a solid 12-5 season that got him a bye because he played in a crap division. However, Sean’s team is peaking at the right time thanks to a starless lineup full of underdogs and team first players. Bulldog Kyle Lowry, trash talking Kawhi Leonard and weird staring Jimmy Butler have made this team formidable. Not to mention the rumors God is on their side thanks to the team prayers led by Jabari Parker. Quite simply, they are playing their best ball at the right time.

Prediction- Sean advances

Championship Prediction

Team His Airness doesn’t lose in the NBA Finals, a team named after the overrated John Stockton ONLY loses in the NBA Finals, ironically to Michael Jordan for a third time. Can’t blame Malone for this one, as Sean Rockwood claims the title.

Playoff Picture (Week of February 28)

Winners Bracket:

#4 Michigan Cougars vs. #5 A-town Bad Karma Krew

Much like the 2010-2012 Katy Perry, Russell Brand marriage, what was initially set to be an even matchup could end as a one sided affair after recent events. The “Afflalo Deal” that also included little used bench players Carmelo Anthony and Dame Lillard as cap filler is bound to bring an overhaul of pointage to an already formidable cougar roster.

However, A-Town Bad Karma Krew AKA Karma’s Bad-A Krew… Town is not intimidated.  Despite the pleas of assistant coaches to bench ailing starter Blake Griffen, coach Hellrung has insisted on keeping him in the starting lineup, arguing that he needs his enforcer on the floor. One thing’s for sure, with this blue knuckled bruiser on the roster, Hellrung’s boy will make sure that the Cougars’ players have their bell-wrung.

Sleeper Alert: Watch for a big week from PG Derrick Rose who played like he had both ACL’s again before being lost to injury for three games. Also, watch for Derrick Rose to get injured.

#3 Pippen Aint Easy vs. #6 Lawrence Jr. Wombats

After an early start that stank like Big Baby Davis’ compression shorts, the Lawrence Jr. Wombats have played much better than their namesake Backyark Baseball team. With the moxie to start three white dudes (one named Gordon), the Wombats continue to be a symbol of unusual process. You know who else is a symbol of unusual process? Donald J. Trump, and he’s gonna be president so STEP BACK HATERS!!!

Pippen Aint Easy has possibly the sweatiest team ever. Mostly they have Jahlil Okafor. In other news the Pips have proven to be an offensive juggernaut despite playing Tristan Thompson significant minutes. Guess that’s what happens in the one only kind of basketball where rebounds count as much as points.

                                                                     

Sleeper Alert: Mo Harkless is probably asleep. Seriously, that guy is on a fantasy basketball team? And with plenty of good Nuggets players still on waivers no less. 

Consolidation Ladder

#8 Durant Durant vs. #7 Festus for the Rest of Us

The best of the stinkathons, this matchup pits two 7-10 teams against each other. The news that megastar forward Danillo Gallinari will be out for the remainder of the season with a busted ankle is tragic… for Festus fans, and basketball fans around the world. They may still have a chance against a Durant Durant team that has elected to not play with a starting center.

Sleeper Pick: Watch for Durant Durant’s bench to score a couple hundred points this week… while they’re on the bench.

#10 Billy Beane vs. #9 Team Silva

Unfortunately, Billy Beane has been disappointed by the underwhelming play of his highly anticipated “Ty Lawson, Ish Smith, Jeremy Lamb, Terrence Jones, Tyson Chandler” lineup. No one saw that one coming. Luckily Paul George can score enough points to win a week of fantasy on his own so this one should be a thrill. Then again, last week Team Silva beat Billy Beane by 453 points so maybe not.

Sleeper Alert: Rumor has it little known rookie Karl-Anthony Towns is pretty good.

#12 Popovich Bear vs. #11 Big Daddy

The granddaddy of them all. These two teams aren’t as bad as the 76ers, but they are probably worse than the Lakers. Popovich Bear is currently playing with 6 players, with 9 functioning knees between them. Big Daddy has Kyle O’Quinn. This one’s a toss up.

Sleeper Alert: Big Daddy might end this week as the leagues most hated team after Russell Westbrook literally goes Indominus Rex on Steph Curry’s ankles with his teeth during Thursday’s Warriors/ Thunder rematch, forcing the star PG into an early retirement. In a move of totally irony, watch for a 77 year old Oscar Robertson to take his place in the lineup.

Byes:

#1 Stockton’s Short Shorts 

This roaring cyclone of basketball domination has seen Provo All-Star worthy gains from reigning MVP Steph Curry. Look for Curry to find a way to beat everyone in the league this week despite having a bye.

#2 Team His Airness

Comparisons to the 98’ Bulls continue as this Jordan sponsored team has been hit with a rash of injuries to star players. The loss of star Chris Bosh with leave Team His Airness with one less dinosaur to finish off the season with. Also, with this first week bye, Team His Airness has officially made it further in the playoffs than any other team owned by Michael Jordan.  

Power Rankings: Week of February 21

1. Stockton’s Short Shorts

Currently on a 7 game winning streak, S³ has been nothing short of unstoppable. As with the Golden State Warriors, Stephen Curry is carrying the team with the league leading average of 31.8 fantasy points per game (FPPG). As a supporting cast, all but 3 of S³’s lineup are averaging 17 FPPG over the past 30 days. When your lowest scorer is Willie Cauley-Stein at 12.9 FPPG over the past month, things are going hot. There is some question as to whether these players will return to their season averages, where all but four players are averaging less than 16 FPPG. However, a team stacked with Curry, Millsap, Howard, DeRozan, and a late-blooming Gorgui Dieng on fire is likely to plow into the playoffs on a 10 game winning streak.

2. Pippen Aint Easy

Blessed with a healthy and well-rounded squad, Pippen Aint Easy is one of the top teams in the league. Garnering the highest average fantasy points per matchup (FPPM) at 699, Pippen would be number one were it not for Stockton’s hot streak. However, this week’s matchup against and injury-ridden Team His Airness could solidify Pippen as the uncontested number two. Although starters John Wall, Drummond, Isiah Thomas, and Gorlat have been key to a productive season, the late season burst by Julius Randle makes Pippen a tough cookie to crumble.

3. Team His Airness

Despite being ranked two in ESPN’s pole, Airness will empathize with the Cleveland Cavaliers as being the best in the east does not guarantee a number 2 in the power rankings. This is shown by Airness’ opponents averaging the lowest FPPM of 557 in their matchups against them. Furthermore, injury-prone Airness is currently playing without 3 of its top five players. Reports that Chris Bosh may be out for the rest of the season make these woes even greater. The only positive outlook is that Jimmy Butler should return by the fantasy playoffs and Kawhi Leonard could be back as early as this week. However, it is unlikely that Leonard’s return alone will be enough for Airness to take down Pippen this week.

4. A-Town Bad Karma Krew

In efforts to be modest, the writer of this week’s power rankings has deferred to Karma Krew for the number 4 spot. Fortunately, their matchup this week should help decide which team has the upper edge. Karma Krew has been a consistent force all season, led  by powerful big men Draymond Green, Blake Griffin, Greg Monroe, and Al Horford, with Robin Lopez showing some late-season success. Although Blake Griffin’s injuries and off-the-court antics have sidelined him recently, it doesn’t seem to be stopping Karma Krew as a solid force. Critics wonder, however, why on earth are Elfrid Payton, Mo Williams, and Gerald Henderson still on the team?

5. Michigan Cougars

Obviously the tinkerer in the league, the Cougars have made an unprecedented 34 free agent pickups throughout the season. As the league average is currently at 8.6, the Cougars seem to think changing is the way to go. The changes have appeared to help, keeping the Cougars solidly in the top five. Furthermore, the Cougars have had one of the toughest schedules this season, with opponents averaging 600 FPPM against them. Somehow, the blockbuster trade from Popovich Bears went through, despite the Michigan Cougars owner himself vetoing the trade (seriously, I vetoed my own trade; how the flip did it go through?).We’ll see if the trade works the miracles it is hoped to.

6. Lawrence Jr. Wombats

Holding onto faith despite a under .500 record, the Wombats have made the most free agency pickups second only to the Michigan Cougars. Likely hoping for two easier wins after an extremely difficult matchup this week, the Wombats should expect to make the winner’s bracket of the playoffs should 6 teams be in the bracket. A midseason acquisition of Nerlens Noel off the waiver wire has proven to be one of the best Free Agent pickups all season.

7. Durant Durant

With a largely healthy team, Durant² has potential to end the season strong. This week’s game against Popovich Bears is hoped to be an easy win, priming D² for a tough matchup next week against Stockton Short Shorts. A well-balanced team, Roy Hibbert seems to be the only weak spot, largely underperforming for the majority of the season. A late-season acquisition of D’Angelo Russell shows that D² has faith in the rookie picking up his production numbers.

8. Festus for the Rest of Us

A solid team with some solid players. The biggest weakness for Festus is their continued hold on Dellavedova, Ezeli, and Mudiay, and Bledsoe (who, although a quality fantasy player, is out for the season). Similar to Silva below, a little more activity in roster formation could have made Festus a mid-to-upper ranked team in the league.

9. Team Silva

Not much to say here. Silva has made 0 free agency acquisitions and does not seem to update the roster on a frequent basis. Despite these pitfalls, however, Silva boasts some very strong players in Chris Paul, Klay Thompson, Hassan Whiteside, Rajon Rondon and Karl-Anthony Towns. If Silva kept an active lineup, this team has potential to be one of the deadliest teams to end the season.

10. Billy Beane

The reigning champion of Get Out Me Cah, Billy Beane would have a tough time being more of a let-down this year. Although their record is better than Team Silva at position 9 of these rankings, Billy Beane has averaged only 504 FPPM to Silva’s 556 and Billy Beane’s opponents have averaged 573 to Silva’s 598. Not much else to say, although when Billy Beane is forgetting to put Pau Gasol and DeAndre Jordan into their starting lineup on a nightly basis, you know there’s a problem.

11. Big Daddy

Another league leader from last year that has had a surprising season, there is not much optimistic going forward for Big Daddy. Russell Westbrook has had a fantastic season and amazing past couple of months, but he is backed up only by Nikola Vucevic and Rudy Gay. With Nikola Mirotic out for a couple more weeks, it is unlikely for Big Daddy to see much change in success to get into the winner’s bracket for playoffs.

12. Popovich Bears

Evidenced by their willingness to trade away their top players (he offered the trade) Popovich Bear has had a rough season. Averaging 458 FPPM, there’s not much else to say. Except the fact that Wilson Chandler has remained on the team the entire season despite undergoing hip surgery in November that put him out for the year.

Kiss the Rings Records (Updated Pre-2016 Season)

High Score (Regular Season Matchup)

161 – Tyler Cook (They Hate Us Cuzthey Aint Us)

Low Score (Regular Season Matchup)

48 – Austin Jones (Team jones)

High Score (Season)

1374 – Tyler Cook (They Hate Us Cuzthey Aint Us)

Low Score (Season)

999 – Sam DeBaltzo (Michigan Cougars)

Longest Winning Streak (Regular Season)

7 – Dane Jacobsen (Team Jacobsen)

Longest Losing Streak (Regular Season)

10 – Sam DeBaltzo (Michigan Cougars)

Struggsforshugs Records (Updated Pre-2016 Season)

High Score (Regular Season Matchup; All-Star Break Excluded)

485 – Corry Smith (Mookie Betts or Bust)

Low Score (Regular Season Matchup; All-Star Break Excluded)

162 – Alec Rockwood (Team Rockwood)

High Score (Season)

7496 – Tyler Cook (Honey Nut Ichiros)

Low Score (Season)

5326 – Alec Rockwood (Team Rockwood)

Longest Winning Streak (Regular Season)

6 – Corry Smith (Mookie Betts or Bust)

Longest Losing Streak (Regular Season)

6 – Marc Russomanno (Corry Top/Alec Bottom)

Get Out Me Cah Records (Updated February 23, 2016)

High Score (Regular Season Matchup)

(Note: Scores were taken from the 2015-16 season only due to the change in ESPN’s scoring system; All-Star Weekend matchup is also ignored)

860 – Dustin Jensen (Stockton’s Short Shorts)

Low Score (Regular Season Matchup)

(Note: Scores were taken from the 2015-16 season only due to the change in ESPN’s scoring system; All-Star Weekend matchup is also ignored)

365 – Taylor Call (Bill Beane)

High Score (Season)

22951 – Jake Gillespie (Big Daddy)

(New score to come at the end of this season due to the change in ESPN’s scoring system)

Low Score (Season)

15321 – Sean Rockwood (Team his Airness)

(New score to come at the end of this season due to the change in ESPN’s scoring system)

Longest Winning Streak (Regular Season)

9 Games – Jake Gillespie (Big Daddy)

Longest Losing Streak (Regular Season)

9 Games – Sean Rockwood (Team His Airness)