Week 7 Power Rankings

Courtesy of Dustin Jensen:

    Greetings fellow Crapstone Fantasy Leaguers!  I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful summer weather.  To continue the trend of comparing GMs to characters, this week I will be comparing every team member to a character of Daredevil on Netflix.  The rankings are going to be primarily based on SOS, Points scored, and record.  Let’s get this party started.

12. Citizen Kane (Previously 12, Currently 12)

Character: Anatoly Ranskahov

    Citizen Kane again finds himself at the bottom of the League, still an Ofer, and struggling to find north.  In a terrible combination CK has scored the fewest points, but has the second highest points scored against him, for a league-high deficit of -563.  Yikes.  CK, Much like Ranskahov, feels overpowered.  In both cases instead of finding a way out of an overpowering situation, in the end, the only attention received was decapitation by unpitying competitors.

11. Clown Question Bro (Previously 11, Currently 11)

Character: Ben Urich

    Clown Question Bro has had the league’s highest points scored against him at 1938.  Only one team in the league has scored that many points up to this point, and that is Joe Buck Yourself (2077).  Call it bad luck, at the end of the day it is what it is.  When Ben Urich found himself in a writing slump, instead of basking in the glory days of the past, he dug his heels in and kept working at the next great write.  CQB has done just that by refusing to bask in the amazing glittery and fantastic basketball win, by picking up his first baseball win and finishing in scoring near the middle of the pack (7th) through the year.  This team may not be great, but it’s certainly better than the 1-5 record it sports right now.  Even if CQB ends up getting strangled like Ben, at least CQB will go down swinging.

10.  Maraika Rockwood (Previously 10, Currently 10th)

Character: Leland Owlsley

    Caught in a three-way tie for 2-4, Wooden-rock has to be ranked the lowest.  MR has put up enough points to beat out Citizen Kane in the Points For category.  That’s it.  Had Maraika had opponents score more than the fourth-lowest scoring total against her, then I seriously doubt the 2-4 record would be intact.  I compared MR to Leland.  Leland’s smart, but certainly the weakest among villains of equal power under Fisk.

9.  The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Previously 8, Currently 9)

Comparison: Vladimir Ranskahov

    I really couldn’t justify putting Bay of Puigs ahead of ShArK AREnado because of scoring. Vladimir was better than his brother, Antoly, but certainly on a lower plane than the other mob bosses. Compare Bay of Puigs to Shark AreNaDo.  BOP points for – 1601 Shark – 1757.  Points against 1617 vs 1739.  The end.

8. Billy Beane (Previously 5, Currently 8)

Comparison: Foggy Nelson

    WHAT?  Is Dustin on pot? Isn’t Billy Beane 4-2?  Ok look, but I’m not sorry for the drop.  Billie Bob can get really mad at me this week but I can’t sit here and pretend that Billy deserves the previous ranking of 5. This has to stop.  While Billy has a 4-2 record, it’s not going to stand for very long.  (Ok that hyperlink is great, if it’s the only one you check out, do it) BB’s scoring total is good for 10th in the league.  10 out of 12.  Ok, so that obviously means his opponents have crapped eggs all season, right?  Well, ya, only the lowest scoring total.  He’s just incredibly lucky up to this point.  Is it any wonder Beanie Baby is on a two game losing streak?  This is beyond east vs. west in NBA and I stand by the rank.  Foggy might be Daredevil’s friend, but he always turns on Daredevil and fails at being a physical force enough to just anger you and wonder if you really like him as a character.  The 4-0 start will only end up being noise unless some serious changes come soon.

7.  Pitches Be Crazy (Previous ranking 9, Currently 7)

Comparison: Karen Page

    Pitches Be Crazy is a team I have a hard time pegging.  The team isn’t bad, but it’s not great either.  It’s like (and I mean nothing bad against Charlotte, her team and the following comparisons are completely coincidental, Charlotte is lovely) trying to decide if Karen Paige is attractive or not.  Some episodes it’s like, ew…no.  Then other episodes, you are second guessing your initial opinion a bit.  Pitches won the first two, then lost three, then won one.  Points for and against are in the middle.  I’m having a hard time deciding if this team is headed up or down.  Only time will tell.

6.  Bautized unto rePencetance (Previously 6, Currently 6)

Comparison: Vanessa 

    Bautized is doing pretty good in the league so far.  Again sitting in the middle of the pack like Pitches Be Crazy, who knows where this team will go?  Management involvement has kept the team afloat, and with continued support this team could be in the top 5 soon.  You can look at 2 losses against Joe Buck Yourself and All Braun No Brains as an excuse or of promise with an easier schedule looming.  Your choice.  I chose to compare Bautized to Vanessa because Vanessa was an artist without much power, however, near the end of season one she suddenly became the right-hand-woman to the most powerful man in the city.  Potential, it’s a dangerous word.

5.  SHARK areNADO (Previously 3, Currently 5)

Comparison: Nobu

    Despite the drop, Jaws has nothing to worry about.  The 2-4 record is nearly as tainted as Billy Beane’s 4-2 record, but in the opposite direction.  Shark has the 4th highest scoring total and has struggled under the burden of fighting against the 4th highest opponent score total.  After a probable loss against Joe Buck Yourself, I see a 5 game win streak on the horizon.  No worries, even though Nobu lost the final fight, he inflicted the most damage, nearly killing Daredevil.  This team will be deadly come post-season.

4.  Michigan Cougars (Previously 4, Currently 4)

Comparison: Madame Gao

    Michigan Cougars is sitting in a pretty good spot.  I really wanted to make a case for the second-highest scoring team (1864) by launching it into the top three, but I couldn’t justify putting a  3-3 team above a 5-1 team no matter the SOS.  Like Madame Gao sneakily hiding her dominant drug ring behind the old lady façade, Sam has a powerhouse hiding behind his 3-3 record.  Make no mistake: Michigan Cougars is a great team.    

3. Wok it Out (Previously 7, Currently 3)

Comparison: Elektra

    Admittedly the weakest of the three leaders, WIO has had the lowest scoring total of those three by over 100 points and lowest opponent score of those three by nearly 200 points.  That being said, this team is still in the top half of the league in scoring and remains undefeated*.  Elektra, unlike Karen Page, certainly tips the scale on hotness so you know where you stand with her.  Elektra is a great crime fighter with a punch, however; cool fighting and hotness only gets you so far, in the end you need to beat the best.  It would be impossible to rank this team #1 with the SOS it has had.
*has not played All Braun No Brains or Joe Buck Yourself yet.

2.  All Braun No Brains (Previously 2, Currently 2)

Comparison: Daredevil

    All Braun No Brains (I refuse to shorten or make fun of team names after getting to the top 2) is a well-oiled machine.  All Braun No Brains is the third-highest scoring team, the only team to beat Joe Buck Yourself, and in two weeks will be the first team to defeat WIO, probably launching it into the top spot.  What can I say? Daredevil kicks A.

1.  Joe Buck Yourself (Previously 1, Currently 1)

Comparison: Wilson Fisk

    There is no question if Joe Buck Yourself should be #1 right now.  Joe Buck Yourself is the highest league scorer, ahead of the second-place scorer by over 200 points. He has dismantled the competition, and proved resilience in a stunning comeback none of you should forget.This team is the team to beat, and no team should be allowed to be ranked #1 without beating Joe Buck Yourself. Period.  I don’t want to hear about biases on this ranking.  The numbers (2077 points) are not biased.  A 5-1 record, is not biased.  If I were biased, my team which has had the hardest schedule out of 12 teams, would not be ranked 11, and Billy Beanie wouldn’t be as low as 8th.
    Now, as to the comparison to Wilson Fisk.  Wilson Fisk is the most dominant character on Daredevil.  I’d link this up but it’s definitely violent, so take my word for it, he beheads a man with a car door for interrupting him on a date, he intimidates those who use his name to the point someone kills himself after letting the name slip, he controls a city, he fights the punisher and daredevil and holds his own.  Interestingly enough, he does lose one fight to Daredevil, and All Braun no Brains is the one team who beat Joe Buck Yourself. However; once in prison, Fisk rules the prison and the guards within days and rebuilds a regime.  Daredevil isn’t that strong, Wilson Fisk (the Kingpin) is the man. Tyler Cook is the man, and rightly sits upon the throne of Fantasy Baseball today.

Week 6 Power Rankings

Courtesy of Dane Jacobsen:

Welcome, members of the Crapstone Fantasy League, to the Week 6 Power Rankings: Office Edition. Unlike last week, where players and not GM’s (Sam) were compared to characters from Captain America: Civil War, this week all GM’s will be represented by their Office equivalent. Also, as cleverly crafted as the MIPCAC ranking system was, time constraints required a simpler system this week. Therefore, the rankings are a result of a 50-50 split between total points and total wins. So without further ado, “everybody in the conference room!”  

12. Citizen Kane (Previous Ranking: 11 – Movement: Down 1)

Citizen Kane finds himself at the back of the pack yet again coming in with the lowest number of total points (1046) and tied for the lowest number of wins (0). What’s more, GM Daniel Hellrung continues to be a mystery to me even though this is the second time we’ve been in fantasy leagues together. So for the guy who comes in, does his work, doesn’t say much, loves pretzel day, and doesn’t take any crap, I give you #12: Stanley Hudson.

11. Clown Question Bro (Previous Ranking: 12 – Movement: Up 1)

Clown Question Bro failed yet again to get his first “W” this week, but who can blame him given the strength of his opponent. With 1279 total points, I’m sure Dustin is a really nice guy and tries really hard, but things just don’t seem to go his way. Better luck next week, Kevin Malone.

10. Maraika Rockwood (Previous Ranking: 10 – Movement: 0)

With 1281 total points and 2 wins, GM Maraika Rockwood’s team did pull together a win over Citizen Kane, but overall is failing to impress. With a few slight adjustments, like maybe taking off her glasses, her team really has the potential to move in the right direction. You can do it, Pam Beesly.  

9. Pitches Be Crazy (Previous Ranking: 8 – Movement: Down 1)

With a name like Pitches Be Crazy, could Charlotte be any other than our very own Crapstone version of Kelly Kapoor? She’s got 1321 total points and 2 wins that land her solidly in the 9^th slot. Perhaps if she accesses her uncrazy side, she’ll be able to up her game.

8. The Bay of the Puigs Invasion (Previous Ranking: 6 – Movement: Down 2)

 GM Alec Rockwood is our Jim Halpert –  not necessarily because he’s the best looking guy in the group, but rather by default because he married Pam Beesly. Based on the rankings, it would seem that she married up… but we all know that he’s the one that got lucky. Let’s hope that luck transitions into some more wins. Who knows, he may still have some tricks up his sleeve.  

Total Points: 1341

Total Wins: 2

7. Wok it Out (Previous Ranking: 4 – Movement: Down 3)

Wok it Out remains the only undefeated team in the league. While in any other situation that would put him in the unquestioned 1^st position, GM Dane Jacobsen’s success is in no way related to skill. In fact, you may have already noticed that these rankings have not included any knowledge of players. Similarly, in The Office, in spite of being completely incompetent and incredibly awkward, Michael Scott somehow lands himself in the regional manager position. There is another reason Dane is Michael Scott, which will become apparent shortly.

Total Points: 1313

Wins: 5

6. Bautized unto rePencetance (Previous Ranking: 9 – Movement: Up 3)

Sean Rockwood is our Andy Bernard, coming in with 1360 points and 2 wins. While the wins are altogether unimpressive, his total points are enough to land him halfway up the rankings. In other words, his team is mediocre. Kind of like Andy. He’s a decent character, kind of a suck up, not great at sales, but still manages to win the hearts of some people.

5. Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 2 – Movement: Down 3)

Let’s be completely clear here: this comparison has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. Rather, Taylor is Crapstone’s Oscar Martinez because he’s great with numbers (the guy’s an actuary for crying out loud) and generally keeps to himself. His uninvolvedness may be slightly off-putting, but he puts together a great team regardless. With his only loss to the undefeated Wok it Out, and with 1355 total points on the season, there may yet be good things to come.

4. Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 3 – Movement: Down 1)

The love interest of Pitches Be Crazy, and also Machiavellian by nature, Sam DeBaltzo is competing hard for the top spot. Unfortunately, after this week’s contest to the undefeated Wok it Out, he’ll more likely end up working at the local bowling alley as our very own Ryan Howard. A little bit of facial hair doesn’t make you a man, Sam.

Total Points: 1520

Wins: 3

3. SHARK areNADO (Previous Ranking: 5 – Movement: Up 2)

As always the top salesman, but ever only the assistant to the regional manager, Crapstone’s Dwight Schrute is Corry Smith. With 1525 points and 2 wins, Corry performs well but is unlikely to ever see his dreams of advancing in rank come to fruition. The points are impressive, but unless they translate into wins they will never be enough.

2. All Braun No Brains (Previous Ranking: 7 – Movement: Up 5)

True to his team name, All Braun No Brains is headed by Creighton Hardy, or should I say Darryl Philbin. With 1538 points and 4 wins, this team is the only real threat to Joe Buck Yourself. Who needs brains when you’re jacked like this guy. 

1. Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 1 – Movement: 0)

And now, the one, the only, the one we love to hate: Toby Flenderson aka Tyler Cook. With a staggering 1exactly what he’s doing and yet we could kick him in the nuts and feel just fine about it. He’s the Kobe Bryant to the Jazz – he is the villain who must be respected.

1718 points (nearly 200 more than his closest competitor) and 4 wins, this is the guy who knows

Week 5 Power Rankings

Courtesy of Sean Rockwood:

Friends, I’m afraid that as members of the Crapstone kingdom, we are in a time of turmoil. J. Tyler Cook has murdered the DeBaltzo Duo. Dane, Austin, and Maraika have banded together to form a super random coalition against Joseph T. on Facebook. What this world needs is a hero.

Well, in commemoration of Donald Trump becoming the Republican presidential candidate yesterday, I’m taking it upon myself to make Crapstone great again! Clearly the ESPN ranking system is not enough to create consensus among Crapstone members, so I have used my valuable (more like $9.50 an hour) time to create one ranking metric to rule them all. I call it MIPCAC! It goes a little something like this:

1.      Manager Involvement 25%

Ex. Moves + Facebook Posts and Comments

2.      Point Differential 50%

Ex. Points For – Points Against

3.      How their best player would fare in a Captain America: Civil War comparison battle. 25% Friday is more important than any baseball game before September. Tickets here.

Ex. Bartolo Colon = 1978 Incredible Hulk

There you go, MIPCAC!!! If you want to see the full ranking layout for this week, feel free. If not, here are your week 5 rankings.

12. Clown Question Bro (Previous Ranking: 11 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 5

Point Differential Rank: 12

Civil War Comparison Rank: 10

Not much going here for CQB. Despite decent manager involvement, it’s hard to get past having the worst point differential in the league. Maybe if he would’ve let up a bit in the final weeks of the fantasy basketball season he could’ve come better prepared this year (not bitter).

 

Manny Machado and The Falcon

11. Citizen Kane (Previous Ranking: 12 - Movement: Up 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 12

Point Differential Rank: 11

Civil War Comparison Rank: 4

Despite awful MI and PD ranks, Citizen Kane squeaks in front of CQB on the coattails of MLB iron man Miguel Cabrera. Though he may be on the decline, this triple crown winner will go down as one of the greatest of all time, and must be respected as such, still producing at an all-star level at age 33.

 

Miguel Cabrera and Iron Man

10. Maraika Rockwood (Previous Ranking: 9 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 11

Point Differential Rank: 10

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

 
Paul Goldschmidt and Ant-Man

Maraika avoids the bottom two slots with a healthy dose of decency, and isn’t that the only word to describe Ant-man? Before anyone freaks out and says that Manny Machado should outrank Goldschmidt, remember who won this.

9. Bauptized unto rePenencetance (Previous Ranking: 6 - Movement: Down 3)

Manager Involvement Rank: 7

Point Differential Rank: 7

Civil War Comparison Rank: 10

Although an unimpressive point differential doesn’t help much after a tough early schedule, the real killer for Bauptized is the overall inexperience of team Iron Man newcomer Spiderman. Despite Kris Bryant’s gaudy numbers, he still needs a few more years of experience under his belt before he can consider himself one of the big boys.

Kris Bryant and Spiderman

8. Pitches Be Crazy (Previous Ranking: 5 - Movement: Down 3)

Manager Involvement Rank: 6

Point Differential Rank: 9

Civil War Comparison Rank: 2

Pitches Be Crazy has greatly benefited by the high involvement of manager Charlotte DeBaltzo. However, it was Avengers dark horse Scarlet Witch that is largely responsible for the jump to 8^th. With the ability to perform magic and manipulate minds, Wanda Maximoff can turn any confrontation on its head. Kind of like Matt Sherzer.

 

Matt Sherzer and Scarlet Witch

7. All Braun No Brains (Previous Ranking: 2 - Movement: Down 5)

Manager Involvement Rank: 9

Point Differential Rank: 5

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Low Manager Involvement bumps down ABNB despite a top five point differential. However, Civil War catalyst Bucky keeps them in the race. There are not many out there with a left arm as strong and skilled as Clayton Kershaw, and Bucky serves as a formidable comparison.

 

Clayton Kershaw and Bucky Barnes

6. The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Previous Ranking: 10 - Movement: Up 4)

Manager Involvement Rank: 8

Point Differential Rank: 4

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

The Bay of Puigs Invasion comes it at #6, but it’s not the Dodgers’ star that headline’s this squad. NYC bomber and overall bad-A Yoenis Cespedes has earned that title. Also, if you had to pick an Avenger that fit the description “overall bad-A”, it would be this guy.

 

Yoenis Cespedes and Black Panther

5. SHARK areNADO (Previous Ranking: 4 - Movement: Down 1)

Manager Involvement Rank: 3

Point Differential Rank: 8

Civil War Comparison Rank: 2

No one benefitted more from the MIP CAC system than SHARK areNADO. Manager Corry Smith has already made 11 moves in just 4 weeks, beating out perennial fidgety GM Sam DeBaltzo for highest total. Having 5 tool star Nolan Arenado doesn’t hurt. As a Gold Glover that bats over .300, is top 5 in RBI, and leads the majors in HR, this stud has no weaknesses. Part man, part robot, The Vision presents similar problems.

 

Nolan Arenado and The Vision

4. Wok it Out (Previous Ranking: 8/7 - Movement: Up 3/4)

Manager Involvement Rank: 3

Point Differential Rank: 3

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Wok it Out brings the killer combo of high manager involvement and an exceptional Point Differential rating. However, it’s Avenger sidekick Hawkeye that holds the group back. Jake Arrieta has proven that when he is on, he doesn’t miss, notching his second no-hitter in a calendar year last month. Unfortunately for Hawkeye, deadly accuracy alone isn’t enough though when fighting the supers of the world. Plus, everyone knows that pitching doesn’t win games…

 

Jake Arrieta and Hawkeye

3. Michigan Cougars (Previous Ranking: 3 - Movement: 0)

Manager Involvement Rank: 1

Point Differential Rank: 6

Civil War Comparison Rank: 4

What Michigan Cougars lack in playing ability, they make up for in Manager Involvement. Manager Sam DeBaltzo steals the #1 ranking after making 11 moves and being the second most active on Facebook. MLB golden boy Mike Trout has become the face of the league, much like American golden boy Captain America has for the Avengers. Whether or not he will be able to retain that title is yet to be seen.

 

Mike Trout and Captain America

2. Billy Beane (Previous Ranking: 8/7 - Movement: Up 5/6)

Manager Involvement Rank: 9

Point Differential Rank: 2

Civil War Comparison Rank: 1

Poor manager (read Facebook) involvement negates a great Civil War comparison rank as Billy Beane slides in at #2. What would change in manager Taylor Call’s life if he spent more time on Facebook? Would he find his wife? Would he learn cool math tricks? Would he get caught up in the Crapstone mayhem and join the Dane, Maraika, Austin Coalition to take down J. Tyler? The world may never know.

That being said, lets just talk about Billy Beane brute Giancarlo Stanton for a second. The dude has to wear a face mask on his helmet so that his natural breathing doesn’t blow away the pitcher 60 feet away. He tears through his jersey so naturally that’s its impossible to tell whether or not it is painted on. He’s more than just the perfect specimen of man, he’s a monster.

 

The Hulk and Giancarlo Stanton, wait oops…

1. Joe Buck Yourself (Previous Ranking: 1 - Movement: 0)

Manager Involvement Rank: 2

Point Differential Rank: 1

Civil War Comparison Rank: 6

Combining the highest point differential with a “typing just to hear myself talk” amount of Facebook posts, Joe Buck Yourself earns this week’s top ranking. Crossbones brings in the #6 Civil War ranking as the guy that wants to shake everything up. Rival to golden boy Mike Trout, Bryce Harper has pledged to “make baseball fun again” by claiming the title for “worst hair in the history of baseball.” Only a personality like this could split up friends Captain America and Iron Man. 

 

Bryce Harper and Crossbones

Honorable Mention: Austin Jones managed to get on the board this week despite a roster including Tim Duncan and Elgin Baylor after adding 3 posts to the Facebook page. Also, that technically makes Austin last place again. Sorry bud.