2018 Football Rankings - Week 1

Courtesy of Corry Smith

Hey guys, welcome to another football season. I don’t really know much about NFL players these days, so I guarantee there’s a lot of errors in my rankings. Just be cool with it. I used ESPN’s non PPR positional rankings and found the ranking of each team’s keepers and 1st and 2nd round picks. The rankings came from these numbers added together. First some overall info:

 
Best Keepers Combo: Austin with Julio Jones (2) and Travis Kelce (2)

Worst Keepers Combo: Creighton with LeSean McCoy (14) and Chris Hogan (23)

Best Draft Combo: Creighton with Aaron Rodgers (1) and Derrick Henry (17)

Worst Draft Combo: Tie: Corry with Royce Freeman (21) and Allen Robinson (16) and Maraika with Jordan Howard (13) and Golden Tate (24)

# of Keepers by Position:

- QB - 1
- TE - 3
- WR - 9
- RB - 11

Average 1st Round Pick Positional Ranking: 11

Average 2nd Round Pick Positional Ranking: 20

On to the teams . . .

1. Space Force (Sean)

(0-1 - 69.2 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Odell Beckham Jr. (3-WR), Carson Wentz (4-QB), Keenan Allen (5-WR), Amari Cooper (17-WR)

Keepers:7

Draft:22
Total:29

I’m not sure how to explain that my number 1 also scored the fewest points last week by almost 20. His keeper QB didn’t play so that’s probably a 20 point difference right there, but still not a great week. His 2nd round pick, Cooper, only got 1.8 points on 3 targets, so that could end up being a rough pick. And lastly, his defense (Saints) had the worst week in football and got him a whopping -9 points. But he obviously has some highly touted guys and week 1 could have been a fluke. But I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

 

2. Saquon’s Legs (Austin)

(0-1 - 103 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Julio Jones (2-WR), Travis Kelce (2-TE), Saquon Barkley (5-RB), Jarvis Landry (25-WR)

Keepers:4

Draft:30
Total:34

Austin’s high ranking mostly comes from his keepers. Starting the season with the #2 WR and #2 TE is a pretty sweet way to start before the draft even happens. He had a tough matchup and scored the 5th most points, but played the 4th most points. But Kelce, a keeper, only scored .6 points. Austin passed on keeping Rodgers, the #1 QB, to keep Kelce, so hopefully Kelce can get a few more targets and a lot more points. I’m saying he makes the playoffs.

 

3. Dak to the Future (Alec)

(0-1 - 92.4 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Le’Veon Bell (1-RB), Leonard Fournette (7-RB), Adam Thielen (11-WR), Alex Collins (19-RB)

Keepers:8

Draft:30
Total:38

Alec has a really solid team, but already he’s been affected by injuries - after 1 week! His #1 player, Bell, didn’t play because he’s still holding out for a better contract. And for this week, he said he still won’t play until he gets paid. So that’s rough for him. And his other keeper (Fournette), has an injury and is questionable to play. And his TE is out for the season. Rough 1st week, which led to a low score and loss.  I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

4. Goodell’s Third Reich (Dustin)

(1-0 - 131.7 points W1) 

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Alvin Kamara (6-RB), Michael Thomas (6-WR), Stefon Diggs (12-WR), Kenyan Drake (18-RB)

Keepers:12

Draft:30
Total:42

Dustin’s team was the highest scoring this week, which is a pretty sweet sign for the season. He was runner-up last year, and is looking to go all the way this year. But a lot of his big week came from 2 players - Brees and Kamara who each had 34 points. Those two players alone matched Sean’s entire week. And Thomas had 22!. So his 2 keepers were great picks. It’s obviously early, but this team seems like a serious championship contender. Easily makes the playoffs.

 

5. Vontae Mack No Matter What (Sam)

(0-1 - 117.4 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: A.J. Green (7-WR), Zach Ertz (3-TE), Tyreek Hill (13-WR), Jay Ajayi (20-RB)

Keepers:10

Draft:33
Total:43

Sam had a tough loss. 3rd most points, but went against the 2nd most points and took the week 1 loss. His 2 keepers did fine, but his first two round draft picks were great! Hill had 35 points - as a WR! And Ajayi had 20! Sam is also still holding out for Dez Bryant to sign with a team, which would be a great midseason addition. All around, his team’s first week was solid and his loss should be completely ignored. He’ll be in the playoffs.

 

6. Who’s Ur Daddy (Dane)

(1-0 - 90.8 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: David Johnson (3-RB), Dalvin Cook (9-RB), Larry Fitzgerald (14-WR), Demaryius Thomas (18-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:32
Total:44

Dane had a real lucky week 1. He scored the 3rd fewest points, but happened to go against the 2nd fewest points and got the W. To compare, Sam, who lost, outscored Dane by 27. That’s like an entire QB. Dane’s 2 keepers did alright, getting 19 points combined, and his first 2 draft picks did ok, also getting 19 points combined. But no one had an incredible week. He did lose a WR and TE to injuries that will take them both out a few weeks at least, but Dane needs some player to stand out this next week as a star or else he’ll be a middle of the pack team all year. I’m saying he misses the playoffs.

 

7. Tom Hank’s Best Friend (Taylor)

(1-0 - 107.3 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: DeAndre Hopkins (4-WR), Christian McCaffrey (12-RB), Melvin Gordon (10-RB), Marvin Jones Jr. (20-WR)

Keepers:16

Draft:30
Total:46

I have no idea what Taylor’s team name means, but I love it. For some reason, it fits him. Taylor’s team had a solid week 1, and I think he will just get better. He scored the 4th most points, yet he had 4 players on his bench outscore his starters. His 4 WR and 1 TE combined scored 22 points. His 4 WR and 1 TE on his bench scored 65 points. Had they been in, he would have easily been the top scorer on the week. Picking Marvin Jones for his 2nd round was definitely a reach as he only scored 5.4 points, but his later picks may come through this season to make him a serious contender. If he can stay active in his team, he makes the playoffs.

 

8-T. #Gurley Things (Corry)

(1-0 102.1 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Todd Gurley (2-RB), Davante Adams (8-WR), Royce Freeman (21 - RB), Allen Robinson (16 - WR)

Keepers:10

Draft:37
Total:47

You guys don’t care about my write-up, so I’ll just say that picking Royce Freeman for my first round pick was not great. Definitely a mistake. But I had 2 WR this past week who didn’t play, and I still scored over 100 points. Imma win it all again. No doubt.

 

8-T. Deflate to Win (Charlotte)

1-0 - 96.9 points W1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Antonio Brown (1-WR), Devonta Freeman (11-RB), Joe Mixon (16-RB), Josh Gordon (19-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:35
Total:47

Charlotte also got a pretty lucky win as she won while scoring under 100 points. Her keeper Brown came through with 15 points, but Freeman was injured and didn’t produce like she’d hope. Mixon also came through big time with 21 points, a great 1st round pick. The biggest reason for Charlotte’s tough week, however, came because of her QB, Stafford. He threw 1 TD, but 4 interceptions! Her backup QB, Mariota, threw 2 interceptions himself before being taken out of the game with an injury. So Charlotte’s QB situation is looking bleak and she may want to reconsider that position. Unfortunately, that’s a pretty big problem to overcome. She won’t make the playoffs.

8-T. Watson Your Wallet? (Maraika)

(1-0 - 128.4)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Rob Gronkowski (1-TE), Mike Evans (9-WR), Jordan Howard (13-RB), Golden Tate (24-WR)

Keepers:10

Draft:37
Total:47

While Maraika is ranked tied with Charlotte and Corry, she was the 2nd highest scorer and looked like a great team. Only two of her players scored under 10, her kicker and FLEX position. The player that actually disappointed the most was her QB, Watson, her only scored her 12 points. If he can play like he did last year, then her team seems like one of the best this year. Maraika lost the championship by 2 points 2 years ago, but last year she was last in her division. She’ll be looking to bounce back and rekindle that season 1 magic. She’s in the playoffs.

11. Humongous Melonheads (Tyler)

(0-1 - 98.1)

 

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: Ezekiel Elliott (4-RB), Kareem Hunt (8-RB), T.Y. Hilton (10-WR), JuJu Smith-Schuster (26-WR)

Keepers:12

Draft:36
Total:48

Tyler’s ranking is a bit skewed. His 2nd pick was actually in the 3rd round because of a trade. So his low ranking from JuJu isn’t exactly an accurate number. But he did score less than 100 points, which was very mediocre. The good news is that the QB on Tyler’s bench was the 3rd best QB this past week. He also took a risk by drafting Adrian Peterson in the 10th round, but he was the 6th best RB by points this past week, and was also on his bench. Potential is there, but I’m predicting a middle of the pack team. No playoffs.

 

12. If It’s Hot Turn the Aaron (Creighton)
(0-1 - 86.4)

Keepers and 1/2 Picks: LeSean McCoy (14-RB), Chris Hogan (23-WR), Aaron Rodgers (1-QB), Derrick Henry (17-RB)

Keepers:37

Draft:18
Total:55

This team isn’t great. Only 4 players, 2 starting and 2 on the bench, scored over 10 points. Creighton’s 2 keepers scored a combined 3.2 points. Rough. Aaron Rodgers and DeSean Jackson are his only real bright spots, but Jackson’s out with a concussion. I think it’s gonna be a rough year for Creighton and he’ll be a bottom dweller.

2018 Baseball Preview - Pre-Season Power Rankings

Courtesy of J. Tyler Cook

“I love me some me” – Terrell Owens

One of my favorite athlete quotes of all time and the theme of this power rankings. With baseball upon us and basketball and football recently ending (Congrats Corry and Dustin once again) we now turn our attention to fantasy baseball. As your defending champ I have taken the liberty of creating this power ranking, comparing each team to a physical aspect of my amazing* body. With baseball and my body being the two things I think about the most it makes perfect sense.

*Average to below average

Spoiler Alert: It is sad that I have to even mention this but I know how much of degenerates my friends are.  I will NOT be comparing any team to my penis. This is meant to be a mature investigation into myself that corresponds with predictions in the league. Please get your minds out of the gutter and read this with the seriousness in which I wrote it.

12. Sean Rockwood – Bautized unto rePencetance

Tyler Body Part – My balls

Inexperienced? Check (Marte, Hamilton, Berrios). Unknown? Check (Kingery, Margot, Bundy). Upside? Check (Seager, Machado). Don’t function like they should? Check (Realmulto, Turner, Brantley all on DL). The comparisons are eerie. Like my friends downstairs, I am hoping this team surprises me with something special everytime I wake up in the morning but like my friends downstairs, I won’t be surprised when I’m disappointed. In related news, if you can get over the fact I just compared a fantasy baseball team to mis huevos down under I am currently willing to be set up with any of your single friends. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Ok well in that case we’ll move on.

11. Taylor Call – Billy Beane

Tyler Body Part – My Butt

I don’t get man butts or if girls find them hot or not (I mean obviously Danee and Charlotte don’t but speculating about the women population in its entirety). I’d consider myself a relatively athletic guy and feel like my butt and my ability to squat should reflect that but have been left wanting. A similar feeling comes over me when I see Taylor’s team. Taylor’s pitching flat out STINKS, and the rankings misled Tay into thinking Trea Turner was going to be a great fantasy player this year (steals inflate players value way too much). His team is caught in a HAIRY situation, similar to my post chipotle dingleberries. Like my butt, I can talk myself into it becoming an ASSett down the road but I just don’t see it yet.

10. Creighton Hardy – All Braun no Brains

Tyler’s Body Part – My Eyes

Now anybody who knows me knows I hate my eyes a whole bunch. I prefer women who tend to have blue/greenish eyes that I can just swim in. Unfortunately, when I admire myself in the mirror I always find it ironic that the very tools which enable me to see and admire are so hideous in myself. Brown eyes? You know what else is brown? You guessed it…  chocolate. And I HATE chocolate. Creighton’s team has some players I like (Correa and Bryant back to back to start the draft was stellar) but I foreSEE disappointment with how the rest of his team ROUNDS out. Creighton has other things that will be preoccupying his time relatively soon, and that given his recent history of not checking for a whole season makes me concerned for his fantasy prospects going forward. I will be grateful if Creighton checks this year, like I’m grateful for the functioning aspects of my eyes, but unfortunately I don’t think his team will offer much more than that. Congrats on the engagement again though my friend!

9. Charlotte DeBaltzo – Pitches be Crazy

Tyler’s Body Part – My Facial Hair

Charlotte’s team looks pretty solid and filled out at first glance, but upon further investigation I see a lot of things missing (just like the bald part right underneath my nose that won’t let me complete my mustache. I’m like the reverse Hitler and I hate it). Charlotte has some awesome starters, but outside of Rizzo and Donaldson I’m not exactly infatuated with her lineup (I tend to favor hitters greatly). There will be days her team looks great (like my scruff stage days 3-5 after shaving) but outside of these rare moments she is going to have to focus on maintaining and playing the waiver wire. If she goes a while without checking, her team’s patchiness will become more exposed and lead to constant harassment from friends, families, and every once in a while complete strangers which will lead her to wonder if she is really even a man… sorry I interjected myself there. I mean screw puberty… hey thanks for the cracked voice and insane hormones but you couldn’t have tossed me some sexy facial hair? GTFO puberty.

8. Danee Smith – No Way Jose

Tyler’s Body Part – My Hands

Danee is still new to fantasy, but her passion is shining. She wants to hold this new thing close to her fantasy like she wants to hold relative strangers hands in the back of a friends pickup truck on a cool, starry summer night. Like my hands, Danee’s team is relatively small (you know what they say about small hands?**) with Altuve and Lindor carrying her lineup. I like the balance on her team especially if she can find one more pitcher. This team has some power (like my punches) and some toughness (like my coarse, manly hands) but not exactly the upside you want in a real fantasy contender.

**That it’s tough to throw a spiral with small hands. See NFL Combine.

7. Maraika Rockwood – Maraika Rockwood

Tyler’s Body Part – My Pecs (or where my pecs should be)

On a personal note, I finally reached my goal of benching 225 pounds (a long way from not being able to bench 95 as a high school sophomore) but you know what sucks? I STILL HAVE NO FREAKING CHEST. I see these dudes at the gym who bench half what I bench yet they look absolutely shredded and it freaking sucks. What does this have to do with Maraika’s team? On paper, I like them but there is just something missing (probably a better diet in my case). I love her outfield (Schwarber and Beni both have great upside)… her IF is very solid, and she has some decent pitchers. However, just like my chest there is no depth (in the rotation especially). I like her team, just don’t love it. 

6. Dustin Jensen – Clown Question Bro

Tyler’s Body Part – My Arms

Why my arms? Cuz that is where my power comes from… Stanton, Judge, Martinez, Cruz, and Encarnacion ALL hit over 38 homers last year! That is insane! Talk about power and strength! His team has some bulk, some definition and a decent enough rotation. If he finds another arm to round out his rotation, he could jump up a couple spots. His team is home run or strikeout so he will have a lot of volatility but I am a big fan of what Dustin has on his squad this year and will not be surprised if he exceeds these rankings.

5. Alec Rockwood – The Bay of Puigs Invasion

Tyler’s Body Part – My Lips

I have big, luscious lips. Don’t deny it, I know you guys have thought about smooching these suckers. However, nobody looks at me and says “Whoa look at his lips I want to date him.” Crazy right? I look at Alec’s team and say that is nice but it’s not something I’m gonna drop my insanely high standards for. Balance balance and more balance across the board. A two start Kershaw week will be tough to beat, but I don’t see the upside to move him up higher on this list. On a side note, him and Maraika both need a team name change DRASTICALLY. Just like I need to use chap stick more (but like my balls, my lips are relatively useless).

4. Dane J – Wok it Out

Tyler’s Body Part – My Hair

Fun fact about the Cooks, we have great heads of hair. I’m talking not going bald ever type hair folks. And Dane’s team, like my hair, can be impressive in so many ways. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to style it. Dane is a smart guy, however, he has to figure out how to manage his squads to get over that playoff hump. He is a contender every year, and this team has a good rotation, closers, outfield and infield (hopefully Jose Ramirez stays legit). My hair has volume, a good shine, solid hue of brown (unlike eyes the dark brown works for me) and is a sneaky reason why women love me.*** Catch me a day or two after a hair cut and you got a sexy beast on your hands, mismanage it and forget that paumade? You looking gross. It’s up to Dane how far his team goes.

*** Relatively ignore me

3. Sam DeBaltzo – Who Needs Hitters?

Tyler’s Body Part – My Heart

Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t really love Sam’s team. As a matter of fact, when I think about it I don’t really love Sam himself. However, when I focus on my feelings I know two things are true. Sam will somehow have a good fantasy team, and I care for Sam deeply. It may defy all logic, he may be loud and obnoxious and his lineup might as well have Sister Jean up to bat, but it’ll somehow get good enough. Sam’s team always ends the season with me wondering how he has every unknown guy on his team can be outperforming expectations, just like a glance into his life and knowing what I know of his face leaves me wondering how he could have such a cute baby or somehow get Charlotte to marry him. Like many of life’s deepest mysteries, I don’t need to know. I need to feel, and my gigantic heart says Sam will finish with a great team.

2. Corry Smith – Shark Arenado

Tyler’s Body Part – My Brain

I have a huge brain. This is known. Easily the smartest, wisest, wittiest person in this league and it is all because of my massive brain. However, see the Sam paragraph and do the opposite. When I see Corry I initially feel off… where are his lips? His butt? How can a big toe possibly look like that? How can someone eat plain food every meal and not get sick of it? But my brain recognizes Corry and his beautiful blue eyes as a loving, sweet, gentle soul (No Homo****). I see Corry’s team, and my brain knows Arenado will be a star, Eaton and Markakis while not super sexy are exactly the type of players winning teams have, that his rotation is dirty. Corry had every Indians pitcher last year, and he has every Astros pitcher this year. Not a bad plan! Corry has been one step ahead in fantasy for the past year with a massive hot streak, and we will see if this continues in baseball.

**** Definitely homo

1. Tyler Cook – Good, Better, Betts

Tyler’s Body Part – My Personality

Yes I know personality isn’t a body part. But how can I possible describe my team using one part? My personality on the other hand has seemingly infinite amount of strengths and no weaknesses. I mean, not to brag but I was voted most humble in high school. Is ranking myself first humble? To quote the recently demoted Elder Uchtdorf (ever heard of him?) “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking less about yourself.” So I’m not going to sit here and explain to you about how funny, smart, compassionate, humble, sweet, merciful, spiritual, hardworking I am. I am obviously not thinking of those things. But I will talk to you about how my lineup has no weaknesses (every player outside my catcher had over 18 homers last year), my rotation has the best pitcher in baseball (Chris Sale baby) and is managed by the most shrewd person this league has ever seen. I’m the champ for a reason, and that reason is I’m simply better than you guys. Don’t hate it, just embrace it as fact because a fact it obviously is. This team is nearly identical to the winning squad from last year! Barring any unforeseen deaths to star players, I am going to win this year. Better luck next time!

Basketball Playoff Picture 2018

Howdy everybody,

 Well it has been quite some time since anyone has made power rankings, so I thought I would go ahead and take a wack at it. I’ve broken these rankings into three categories: The playoff teams, the bubble teams (missed the playoffs by one win), and the non-bubble teams. So, the teams are ranked within their own subsection (i.e., playoff teams can be ranked no lower than 6, the bubble teams can be ranked no higher than 7).
 I’ve used the rankings from ESPN, however for my analysis this time I ranked every team according to their statistical ranking for all categories except points (instead I did field goal and free throw percentages. You’re welcome to look at the attached spreadsheet for the complete analysis. I then took the average of how well you ranked in the categories overall.

 Before I get into the direct rankings though, I thought I’d point out a couple of interesting factors:

Most prominent statistics among playoff teams: Every playoff team had more assists than the non-playoff teams. Similarly, every playoff team had more turnovers than the non-playoff teams. I don’t know if that says anything or it was just luck, but it looks like turnovers aren’t the end of the world. In fact, Stockton’s Short Shorts had 325 more turnovers than any team that missed the playoffs and is still ranked 2nd in these rankings. Weird.

Superlative: The best team to miss the playoffs: Pippen Aint Easy. Pippen Aint Easy had an average ranking of 5.9, which was significantly higher than Off the Wall and One and Done, two playoff teams.

Superlative: The worst team to make the playoffs: One and Done. One and done had an average ranking of 7.4, which was ranked 10th. It’s pretty clear they lucked into the playoffs.

Playoff Teams

1. *Steph’s Brother: Corry’s team was so good that at one point Dustin predicted he would go undefeated this season. Unfortunately for Corry, he did lose one game in week 12 (to the best team in the league in my humble opinion ;). Some notable numbers for Corry: he ranked in the top 3 in 5 of the 7 categories, leading to a solid average rank of 3.9. His worst ranking was turnovers at 9. He had an incredible team across the board with almost no flaws. The next best average rank was 1.2 lower than his.

2. Stockton’s Short Shorts: Stockton had more obvious flaws than Steph’s brother, having the highest amount of turnovers as noted above and being ranked 5th or worst in 4 of the 7 categories. However, Stockton made up for it by being ranked 1st in the other three categories: free throw percentage, assists, and steals.

3. Mars Blackmon’s Best: Mars made its way up in the rankings thanks to consistency. They didn’t lead in any specific statistic, but their worst stat was free throw percentage, where they were ranked 9th. Avoiding major pitfalls was the key to success, and hopefully that consistency can lead to success in the playoffs.

4. Believeland MiraCLEs: The MiraCLEs followed Stockton’s strategy in a lot of ways: you can be really awful in a couple of categories as long as you make up for it by being the top in some others. Despite having the worst field goal percentage and poor steals and turnover numbers, the MiraCLEs were tied for number 1 in free throw percentage (thank you JJ Reddick) and were number 1 in blocks.

5. Off the Wall: Off the wall started the season strong but was mired in injuries. Isaiah Thomas came back with plenty of time to get in shape for playoffs, but Off the Wall lost Paul Millsap, DeMarcus Cousins, and John Wall. You have to give this team credit, not many other teams would be able to make it to the playoffs while losing their first, second, AND third round pick. I mean seriously, you can’t have much worse fantasy luck than that. And we thought Dane losing David Johnson was bad . . .

6. One and Done: Somehow, some way, Alec made it to the fantasy playoffs! The resurgence of Dwight Howard as a fantasy option did wonders for Alec, as Howard and Durant’s averages of almost two blocks per game each led to Alec being ranked 2nd in blocks for the season. His efficiency is low, as Alec is in the bottom three for FG%, FT%, and turnovers. It’s unlikely that Alec makes it out of the first round against a well-rounded Mars Blackmon, but making it this far has been impressive enough.

Bubble Teams

7. Pippen Aint Easy: As I noted before, Pippen was clearly the best team to not make the playoffs. They lead the league in field goal percentage and had no ranking lower than 9. However, hovering in the 5-8 range of the rankings led to a solid team that just couldn’t make that ultimate push. Surprising that, given Cook’s success in past fantasy seasons, he couldn’t make the magic happen to get him into the first round.

8. My Centers Got Centers: Given a name like that, I love the following statistics: Centers had the worst free throw percentage and the second highest amount of rebounds. That makes my statistical brain fall in love. What I love even more is that both Deandre Jordan and Andre Drummond are averaging 15 rebounds a game. Please read that last sentence again: 15 REBOUNDS PER GAME ALL SEASON. Truly incredible, especially when you consider that the next highest rebounder is the now injured Boogie who was averaging 13 a game. If you can make 13 rpg look unimpressive you have to be doing something right. What absolutely blows my mind though, is that Centers had the lowest amount of blocks. How do you have five centers and the lowest number of blocks?!? I have to conclude here by noting that Taylor would have been a lock for the playoffs if he had won his last game, but instead he could only scrounge up 389 against Stockton’s 708. Did not bring it all in the critical week.

9. Uncle Drew’s Cabin: Creighton had the second worst average ranking in the league. It’s pretty clear how, as his only top five ranking was in turnovers which, as discussed above, ends up not really mattering in our league. Having Kawhi play only 9 games all season definitely doesn’t help.

Non-Bubble Teams

 To be put gently, I think this year has had the most disparity between the top and bottom teams. We had two teams that went 15-1 and then teams go 4-12 and 3-13. Clear top dogs and bottom hogs (is that a thing? If not, I’m making it one). Well, on to the hogs:

10. The Process: Austin’s “Process” clearly didn’t work this year. Although most of his statistical rankings were in the upper half of the league, his dismal assists and rebounds figures dropped his average. Surprising, considering The Process owned to of the best young center in the league. This team was young, and full of talent. Perhaps if Austin carried this team to next year they’d have a real chance; unfortunately this isn’t a keeper’s league. Maybe try for an “in-season process” next year.

11. Go Bear: Once again, proving the irrelevance of turnovers in our league, Go Bear had the least amount of turnovers (almost 450 less than Stockton) but still had an abysmal record. Granted, Go Bear did have a better average ranking than two teams that made the playoffs, but without that translating to wins it does little solace. Bottom line, I think Dane learned what the Clippers did: CP3 may be a guaranteed Hall of Famer, but a team with him as the best player is not making it to the championship.

12. I took a Pill in Ariza: I think I’ll take a line from Mr. Seuss here: “Stink, Stank, Stunk.” It seems like nothing could go right for Maraika this year. I think the fantasy name gods punished her for keeping the team name despite not owning the player. Looking at her team though, it’s obvious what some of the flaws were. Nerlens Noel, Kaminsky, and Crowder should have been dropped months ago. Maraika didn’t change her roster all season, and the record shows.

Basketball Pre(ish) Season Power Rankings 2017-2018

Crapstone Fantasy Basketball 2017-2018 Season

 

 

  Welcome to another exciting installment of Fantasy Basketball!  Sorry I didn’t do the draft night rankings like last year, it’s a little easier to rank fantasy teams in class than it would be at work.  Adulting, whatever.  In any event, the best fantasy competition of the year is upon us, and we’re three games in.  A lot of interesting things have already occurred, so let’s get cracking on some rankings that will completely fall apart by the end of the season.

12.  Mine Centers Have Got Center’s Centers

(Taylor Call)
0-3

  Taylor doesn’t have a team logo and hasn’t made any team adjustments (yet) either, but he isn’t as lucky as Charlotte was with her team so it’s not working out.  Elfrid Payton’s already been ruled out for a month (funny thing about Elfrid Payton, I’m pretty sure a rat lives in his hair and controls his movements like in the movie Ratatouille) and 5 players are averaging less than 10 points per game for Taylor.  That hurts a bit.  There’s potential, as Westbrook and Drummond are both scoring well in fantasy land, but owner intervention is needed to right this shi………p. 

Record Prediction 3-13

 

11.  I Stole Ariza’s Pills

(Maraika Rockwood)
0-3

Maraika has decided that Steph Curry is enough to win every night without additional players as starters get benched nightly.  Hassan Whiteside is also on Maraika’s hit list as he’s been benched since October 27.  Maybe Steph will get to see the light and pass the ball up Maraika’s fantasy court to the likes of Whiteside, Walker, Gay, and Ingram…but probably not on the same night, Maraika’s resting a few to make an example of them.

Record Prediction: 3-13

10.  Blackmon, Mars Blackmon
(Sean Rockwood)
1-2

Sean has the most interesting mix of players on his team that I may have ever seen.  Sean’s got Fantasy’s best current player, Antetokunmpo, and Kyle Lowry as the main stars of the team.  Then you’ve got Kanter - his world flipped with the trade to NY after professing his love to OKC. Crabbe - went from a playoff team to Boston’s old lottery pick machine. Rodney - suddenly forgot what a basketball is and how to fit one of those in those metal hoop-things.  Smart - moved to last year’s Finals team after Boston lands Hayward. 

I don’t know why I find this so intriguing, you’ve got a bunch of second string guys who, for whatever reason (and generally no fault of their own), got traded elsewhere all in the same year.  All either struggling or figuring out what they’re doing, and a lot of them were kind of fan favorites off the bench.  I mean in real life having them all on the same team would be cool, but really hard to manage IMO.  In any event, I believe Sean has realized how hard it is to manage these players as well as he has copied Maraika’s approach (or did she copy Sean’s?) and benches starters on a consistent basis to keep the team chemistry intact.  Man is anyone who puts forth an ounce of effort gonna struggle to make the post-season this year? 

Record Prediction: 4-12

9.  Uncle Drew’s Cab

(Creighton Hardy)
1-2

  Way to be Creigton on picking up a F.A. that is averaging over 20 points a game!  I’d be lying if I told you I knew much about Sabonis before today, but obviously a white guy who plays for the Pacers would be a great fantasy pickup for anybody.   Beal, Irving, and Sabonis are doing decent damage per game for Creighton (60 fppg actually), yet Creighton is currently 2^nd from last at points for.  I’m not too worried about Creighton, eventually Leonard will come back (I hope), and a little lineup manipulation should get the team on the up-and-up.  For the record, I freaking hate Zaza Paculia.  Isn’t it enough that he robbed us of a potentially amazing series?  It was literally a series I waited all season long for, and he puts his big ugly foot out and ruins not only the series, but potentially another season of an incredible athlete.

  What’s his beef anyway?  Dude, Pachulia, you suck.  Literally.  You think the warriors wouldn’t be winning championships without you?  You are an average NBA player who just happened to land on a great team. That’s it.  Get rid of your freaking ego, you suck, and I hope you lose a season because you step in a bear trap you ugly ogre. 

  Best of luck Creigton.

Record Prediction: 7-9

8.  Leave Bear

(Dane Jacobsen)
1-2

  Can I just say, even though your last name didn’t finish great in the rankings (you’ll see it in a bit) I think this fantasy team has got to be the most creative.  It’s named Go Bear, has Gobert, and has an image of Rudy the movie on it.  There’s so many puns there it’s crazy and I love it.

  Much like the start to Rudy’s season, Dane’s team is off to a bit of a rocky start.  I might be wrong but I think this team will turn up the temp a bit in the next few weeks.  The first few weeks of any season it takes a minute for players and teams to get their feet under them, and Chris Paul will be back.  I think, factoring in Paul, Rudy scoring a little more per game as well as Winslow, you’re looking at a pretty decent team.  Maybe this team will be like the Notre Dame Rudy, start of will little fanfare, laud, or honor, and end with a bang. 

  BTW, the two sports movies I will never watch again because they were so effing boring: Rudy and Field of Dreams.  No I’m not lying.  Yes I saw them both.  No they didn’t inspire me.  Yes I told my last boss my feelings on the matter and he told me it was a career limiting move.  No I didn’t take it back. 

Record prediction: 8-8

7.  The Processor

(Austin Jones)
1-2

  Fortunately (or unfortunately, given the team name) Austin won’t be bad enough to win any lotteries this year.  I think this team as it currently stands will be a pretty consistent team (I mean week 2 and 3 scores for Austin were separated by 2 points).  It’ll be the team that sneaks up on you and busts your small win streak, and then the following week he’ll lose by a handful to a team with a lesser record who has a hot week.  There’s a slight blue-collar feel to the team with Mike Conley and Derrick Favors on the team, but really this team is made up of a lot of guys who just pull their weight every week and are a regular and integral part of the rotation.

  Man for one day could we just make real teams out of these?  Can you imagine Embiid holding down center with a Conley point, Jokic PF, and Porter playing wing?  There’s not really another eye-popping wing but we can say Russell just to add a little bling.  I think this team will be a lot like the Denver Nuggets this year, and that’s a good thing.

Record Prediction: 9-7

6.  Peregrin Took Aint Easy

(Tyler Cook)
1-2

  LeBron James and Blake Griffin are rocking it for Cook.  The problem, the rest of his roster is kind of performing…average.  The potential to blow the roof off is certainly there, Bledsoe is averaging 10.7 per game and can easily boost that, same with Butler (16.9), and Morris who is just getting back.  At the moment Cook’s roster is kind of in the middle, but Cook is good at roster manipulation, and he’ll make the moves necessary to win.  In football though, is Cook going to use the new rules to tank?  Or maybe he’ll shoot for a strong playoff performance this season.  Cook’s a hard one to peg, but due to sheer will and determination I believe cook will be a playoff contender in basketball.

Record Prediction 9-7

5.  Off the Wall and Into El Fuego

(Charlotte DeBaltzo)
3-0

  Charlotte only married Sam for his last name.  (Name rankings are just ahead I promise)

  I’m not sure if Charlotte was just lucky on draft night or if she put a lot of effort into building a good team.  Ok well, scenes how there is no team logo, no moves have taken place with the team, and Isaiah Thomas is currently sitting in her starting lineup, I’m leaning towards the former guess, but who knows.  All I can say is somehow Charlotte has managed to stay undefeated, and that’s saying something.  Rubio was a good fantasy find, as he’s scoring and more efficiently than ever in his career, netting Charlotte more points per game than if she’d netted Lowry.  Cousins must get a fantasy point for every time he throws a tantrum like a child because he’s a top 5 fantasy player right now and averaging over 30 fantasy points per game.  Really, looking at Charlotte’s roster, there’s not a lot of room for improvement aside from dumping Thomas out of the Brinks truck and picking up a scorer (unless there’s playoff strategy there), and trying to upgrade Tyler Johnson and Georgie-Porgie Daang.  Well played Charlotte, well played

Record Prediction: 10-6

4.  Stock’s Hairy Legs

(Dustin Jensen)
3-0

  What can I say about my own team?  It’s off to a hot start already and I picked up way too many players related to the Jazz.  Getting George Hill was a mistake as we are all learning he only plays good on good teams, and Sacramento is over-paying his butt. 

  On the team we’ve got only two players averaging over 20 fppg which is a problem, I hate Draymond Green, but luckily got Mitchell to balance out the hatred.  I realize you don’t want to read about my team and I don’t want to type about them much either.  I’m the 3^rd highest scorer in the league but I’ve also had the 3^rd least points scored against me.  At least one of those will give and I’m unsure which way it will go. I love my team and wish desperately for another basketball championship (or a football one!), but I’m having a rough time because the Jazz are playing like hot garbage right now.  Love you all, let’s move on nothing to see here.

Record Prediction: 10-6

3.  Make Believeland MiraCLEVs

(Sam DeBaltzo)
0-3

Have I ever mentioned DeBaltzo is by far the coolest last name anybody has in our group?  Solid man, if we were ranking last names DeBaltzo would finish first for sure. 

 
1.      DeBaltzo
2.      Rockwood
3.      Jensen
4.      Cook
5.      Jones
6.      Call
7.      Hardy
8.      Smith
9.      Jacobsen

  Now that that’s settled let’s look at Sam’s team. James Harden just gave the Jazz a bare-butt spanking and I’m still recovering a bit, so don’t be shocked if I over-rank this team because of James.  This team passes the eye test for sure, I mean Harden, Porzingis, Dragic, Parker, and, the obvious star of the team: Joe Ingles.  It would be a gross error to dock DeBaltzo due to his 0-3 start and sent him to the bottom of the rankings with the team he has.  Right now, Sam has had the most points scored against him.  In fact, really, my team is currently 3-0, but I’ve had nearly 400 less points scored against me compared to Sam.  The biggest error Sam could make would be to perform a drastic overhaul to a good roster.  The biggest mistake you could make is not setting your lineup when you’re playing against this lineup.

Record Prediction: 10-6

2.  Onesie and Donsie

(Alec Rockwood)
2-1

  Alec has a good team, but I think this team may be a bit inflated to start off the year.  Don’t get me wrong, this team is good, I mean right now it’s scoring better than 7 of the 12 teams in our league.  Just be wary Alec, you’ve had the least amount of points scored against you this season.  Maybe it’ll hold up, but odds are it won’t. 

  Dwight Howard, who has been a better fantasy player than real player for years now, was a good pickup.  The Durantula did awesome work in the Finals even if it was a cheap move to leave Westbrook to get the ring.  I wonder though, which came first for Alec, the chicken or the egg?  Did he decide to name his team one and done before picking up Durant or after?  I’d say after but if it was before a high five to you for foresight. 

  Alec has already been an involved manager by making roster moves, and I think he’ll be able to stay on top of his team before the points against catches up to him.  This team will be good folks.  Don’t forget to set your lineups here.

Record Prediction: 11-5

1.  Wardell Stephen Curry II’s Brother

(Corry Smith)
3-0

  Holy Crap this team is good.  I’m going to say it now, I think this is the team to beat, folks!  Somehow draft night came and went, and Corry cleaned house right under all of our noses.  5 players are averaging over 20 fppg and one is averaging over 30.  Hello!!!!  Talk about teams you’d like to see in real life, Lillard, DeRozan, Davis, Love, and Gordon, looking good.  Smithy even have that x factor player that pisses you off because he’s such a douche (Rodman, Artest, Lambier, etc.) that all championship teams seem to have in his benchie Rondo.  Smith has already been the high scorer two of the four weeks, and that’s with Rondo on his team who. Isn’t. playing.  Smith can and will be a dominant force, and we’ll all just be ropes on the good year blimp if he decides to torch us all.  (High five to anyone who knows the ropes on the Goodyear blimp reference)   

Record Prediction: 12-4

All-Star Power Rankings

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

           With All-Star week surrounding us, I thought it’d be appropriate to do a power rankings based on All-Star representation. With 71 players being voted to the All-Star game, 68 of them were on our teams (the only three that weren’t were middle relievers, no big surprise). Shockingly, one of us had ZERO players in the All-Star game, but I won’t ruin that sadness for Mr. ____ ahead of time. So, I’ve compiled two sets of rankings, one that just has straight number of players and one favoring starters. That ranking will be in parentheses, and is calculated by (Starter=2, Reliever=1, Pitcher=1.5). With no more further ado, here they are!

*Editor’s Note: If you find these surprisingly boring it’s because bar study has taken over my life and 90% of my wit has vanished.

1^st (Tied) – 10 Players

Wok it Out (2^nd Place in Weighted Rankings, 14 Points)

            Dane’s team had quite the representation for the All-Star game. No one really made a big splash, but that’s pretty much been his team all year: a lot of power, no real domination. Like many of his player’s teams, Wok it Out is certain to make the playoffs, and we’ll see how it goes.

Michigan Cougars (1^st Place in Weighted Rankings, 15 Points)

            Unsurprising to anyone with half a brain, the Cougars are finally in their proper place at the top of the league. Surprising, however, is the fact that the Cougars still had 10 all-stars even though perennial all-stars Zach Britton, Mad-Bum, and Mark Melancon all were injured. I mean, when a guy wins a donkey because it was his first all-star game, you know it’s a lucky year. I’m in the mood to win baseball two years in a row, so I’m looking forward to getting my name on that trophy again ;).

3^rd – 8 Players

Good Better Betts (Tied for 3^rd Place in Weighted Rankings, 11.5 Points)

            Mr. Cook gets a respectable third place, although he does win the MVP performance for the All-Star game. Mr. Cano came strong in the 10^th inning and hit the game winning home run against Wade Davis (see Shark AreNado, below). Good Better Betts had a solid lineup for the game with a couple of likely Hall of Famers in Betts, Greinke, and Cano. I think my favorite All-Star on this team though would be Luis Severino. I like young pitchers, and he looks like he has what it takes. If only he played for anyone other than the Yankees.

4^th (Tied) – 7 Players

All Brauns No Brains (Tied for 3^rd Place in Weighted Rankings, 11.5 Points)

            Somehow Creighton does it again. I think we’ve all finally made it to the point where we’re shocked at how well Creighton does. However, I don’t think anyone was expecting Creighton to get by far the biggest steal of the year. Aaron Judge was an undrafted free agent in this league and has by far paid some of the best dividends. Also, the media can’t shut up about him. Although this is one of my favorite posts of all time.

Maraika Rockwood (5^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 9.5 Points)

            Maraika’s All-Stars show the extreme talent in hitting her team has. She’s struggled lately, but losing the best player in baseball (Mr. Trout still has no equals) for a couple of months will do that to you. I don’t know if she has enough time left to make the playoffs; she would need a LOT of key losses and to win out. But, she’s still a competitor and could thwart a couple of other team’s playoff chances.

6^th – 6 Players

SHARK areNADO (6^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 9 Points)

            This surprised me the most. Corry’s team has been absolutely unstoppable this year, but not even his power rankings have put him at number 1. I love his pitching squad for the all-star game, even if Wade Davis blew it for the NL. Strasburg, Keuchel, and Kluber would be a starting three to make anyone drool (p.s., Corry’s starters that didn’t make the All-Star game were such nobodies as Jake Arrieta, David Price, Carlos Carrasco, and Cole Hamels). Yes, I hate you Corry.

7^th (Tied) – 5 Players

Billy Beane (Tied for 8^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 6.5 Points)

            Well this was a pleasant surprise. I’m pretty much resigned to roasting Taylor in every power rankings. Don’t get me wrong, this team isn’t making it to the playoffs. However, Taylor had arguably the best pitcher in the American League to start the All-Star game and could be this year’s Cy Young Award Winner. Sale was amazing in Chicago, but give him a team that is actually good and look at the wonders he can do.

Clown Question Bro (7^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 7 Points)

            Dustin’s team has struggled in the past couple of weeks, so I can’t say I’m too surprised at his place in the rankings. He has two phenomenal relievers. More important, he has a player that will be a key part in my glorious Indians’ future, at any position.

9^th – 4 Players

Schwarber? I hardly know her (Tied for 8^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 6.5 Points)

            I thought Danee was going to pull ahead in the rankings, but I think Corry secretly sabotaged her team to give him an easier path to the playoffs. Let’s be honest, husbands have done worse things before. On a baseball note, Danee wishes her hair moved like this.

10^th (Tied) – 3 Players

The Bay of Puigs Invasion (10^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 5 Points)

The usual performance from Alec. Apparently Lil Poppy isn’t helping her Daddy perform like Big Papi (I still don’t believe that that was not a factor in the baby-naming decision). Anyways, enjoy your summer with the baby, we’re expecting an improved performance come this fall.

Pitches Be Crazy (11^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 3.5 Points)

            Obviously I’m biased to this team due to its owner, but I also love the All-Stars. Lindor is one of the best things the Indians have to offer, and Kershaw (as much as I love Scherzer) is still the best pitcher in baseball, hands-down. However, despite her low ranking, Charlotte could make the playoffs if she wins out. She’s a game ahead of Dustin and Maraika and we’ll see if she can make the lead last for three more weeks!

12^th – 0 Players

Bautized unto rePencetance (12^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 0 Points)

I can honestly say I was shocked that Sean had 0 (Zero, None, Zilch, Less than One) players on the All-Star team. There were 71 players in the game, and somehow Seanyboy managed to avoid drafting any of them. That takes skill. Sean’s only redeeming feature is that he has by far my favorite old man in the game.