Basketball Playoff Picture 2018

Howdy everybody,

 Well it has been quite some time since anyone has made power rankings, so I thought I would go ahead and take a wack at it. I’ve broken these rankings into three categories: The playoff teams, the bubble teams (missed the playoffs by one win), and the non-bubble teams. So, the teams are ranked within their own subsection (i.e., playoff teams can be ranked no lower than 6, the bubble teams can be ranked no higher than 7).
 I’ve used the rankings from ESPN, however for my analysis this time I ranked every team according to their statistical ranking for all categories except points (instead I did field goal and free throw percentages. You’re welcome to look at the attached spreadsheet for the complete analysis. I then took the average of how well you ranked in the categories overall.

 Before I get into the direct rankings though, I thought I’d point out a couple of interesting factors:

Most prominent statistics among playoff teams: Every playoff team had more assists than the non-playoff teams. Similarly, every playoff team had more turnovers than the non-playoff teams. I don’t know if that says anything or it was just luck, but it looks like turnovers aren’t the end of the world. In fact, Stockton’s Short Shorts had 325 more turnovers than any team that missed the playoffs and is still ranked 2nd in these rankings. Weird.

Superlative: The best team to miss the playoffs: Pippen Aint Easy. Pippen Aint Easy had an average ranking of 5.9, which was significantly higher than Off the Wall and One and Done, two playoff teams.

Superlative: The worst team to make the playoffs: One and Done. One and done had an average ranking of 7.4, which was ranked 10th. It’s pretty clear they lucked into the playoffs.

Playoff Teams

1. *Steph’s Brother: Corry’s team was so good that at one point Dustin predicted he would go undefeated this season. Unfortunately for Corry, he did lose one game in week 12 (to the best team in the league in my humble opinion ;). Some notable numbers for Corry: he ranked in the top 3 in 5 of the 7 categories, leading to a solid average rank of 3.9. His worst ranking was turnovers at 9. He had an incredible team across the board with almost no flaws. The next best average rank was 1.2 lower than his.

2. Stockton’s Short Shorts: Stockton had more obvious flaws than Steph’s brother, having the highest amount of turnovers as noted above and being ranked 5th or worst in 4 of the 7 categories. However, Stockton made up for it by being ranked 1st in the other three categories: free throw percentage, assists, and steals.

3. Mars Blackmon’s Best: Mars made its way up in the rankings thanks to consistency. They didn’t lead in any specific statistic, but their worst stat was free throw percentage, where they were ranked 9th. Avoiding major pitfalls was the key to success, and hopefully that consistency can lead to success in the playoffs.

4. Believeland MiraCLEs: The MiraCLEs followed Stockton’s strategy in a lot of ways: you can be really awful in a couple of categories as long as you make up for it by being the top in some others. Despite having the worst field goal percentage and poor steals and turnover numbers, the MiraCLEs were tied for number 1 in free throw percentage (thank you JJ Reddick) and were number 1 in blocks.

5. Off the Wall: Off the wall started the season strong but was mired in injuries. Isaiah Thomas came back with plenty of time to get in shape for playoffs, but Off the Wall lost Paul Millsap, DeMarcus Cousins, and John Wall. You have to give this team credit, not many other teams would be able to make it to the playoffs while losing their first, second, AND third round pick. I mean seriously, you can’t have much worse fantasy luck than that. And we thought Dane losing David Johnson was bad . . .

6. One and Done: Somehow, some way, Alec made it to the fantasy playoffs! The resurgence of Dwight Howard as a fantasy option did wonders for Alec, as Howard and Durant’s averages of almost two blocks per game each led to Alec being ranked 2nd in blocks for the season. His efficiency is low, as Alec is in the bottom three for FG%, FT%, and turnovers. It’s unlikely that Alec makes it out of the first round against a well-rounded Mars Blackmon, but making it this far has been impressive enough.

Bubble Teams

7. Pippen Aint Easy: As I noted before, Pippen was clearly the best team to not make the playoffs. They lead the league in field goal percentage and had no ranking lower than 9. However, hovering in the 5-8 range of the rankings led to a solid team that just couldn’t make that ultimate push. Surprising that, given Cook’s success in past fantasy seasons, he couldn’t make the magic happen to get him into the first round.

8. My Centers Got Centers: Given a name like that, I love the following statistics: Centers had the worst free throw percentage and the second highest amount of rebounds. That makes my statistical brain fall in love. What I love even more is that both Deandre Jordan and Andre Drummond are averaging 15 rebounds a game. Please read that last sentence again: 15 REBOUNDS PER GAME ALL SEASON. Truly incredible, especially when you consider that the next highest rebounder is the now injured Boogie who was averaging 13 a game. If you can make 13 rpg look unimpressive you have to be doing something right. What absolutely blows my mind though, is that Centers had the lowest amount of blocks. How do you have five centers and the lowest number of blocks?!? I have to conclude here by noting that Taylor would have been a lock for the playoffs if he had won his last game, but instead he could only scrounge up 389 against Stockton’s 708. Did not bring it all in the critical week.

9. Uncle Drew’s Cabin: Creighton had the second worst average ranking in the league. It’s pretty clear how, as his only top five ranking was in turnovers which, as discussed above, ends up not really mattering in our league. Having Kawhi play only 9 games all season definitely doesn’t help.

Non-Bubble Teams

 To be put gently, I think this year has had the most disparity between the top and bottom teams. We had two teams that went 15-1 and then teams go 4-12 and 3-13. Clear top dogs and bottom hogs (is that a thing? If not, I’m making it one). Well, on to the hogs:

10. The Process: Austin’s “Process” clearly didn’t work this year. Although most of his statistical rankings were in the upper half of the league, his dismal assists and rebounds figures dropped his average. Surprising, considering The Process owned to of the best young center in the league. This team was young, and full of talent. Perhaps if Austin carried this team to next year they’d have a real chance; unfortunately this isn’t a keeper’s league. Maybe try for an “in-season process” next year.

11. Go Bear: Once again, proving the irrelevance of turnovers in our league, Go Bear had the least amount of turnovers (almost 450 less than Stockton) but still had an abysmal record. Granted, Go Bear did have a better average ranking than two teams that made the playoffs, but without that translating to wins it does little solace. Bottom line, I think Dane learned what the Clippers did: CP3 may be a guaranteed Hall of Famer, but a team with him as the best player is not making it to the championship.

12. I took a Pill in Ariza: I think I’ll take a line from Mr. Seuss here: “Stink, Stank, Stunk.” It seems like nothing could go right for Maraika this year. I think the fantasy name gods punished her for keeping the team name despite not owning the player. Looking at her team though, it’s obvious what some of the flaws were. Nerlens Noel, Kaminsky, and Crowder should have been dropped months ago. Maraika didn’t change her roster all season, and the record shows.

Basketball Pre(ish) Season Power Rankings 2017-2018

Crapstone Fantasy Basketball 2017-2018 Season

 

 

  Welcome to another exciting installment of Fantasy Basketball!  Sorry I didn’t do the draft night rankings like last year, it’s a little easier to rank fantasy teams in class than it would be at work.  Adulting, whatever.  In any event, the best fantasy competition of the year is upon us, and we’re three games in.  A lot of interesting things have already occurred, so let’s get cracking on some rankings that will completely fall apart by the end of the season.

12.  Mine Centers Have Got Center’s Centers

(Taylor Call)
0-3

  Taylor doesn’t have a team logo and hasn’t made any team adjustments (yet) either, but he isn’t as lucky as Charlotte was with her team so it’s not working out.  Elfrid Payton’s already been ruled out for a month (funny thing about Elfrid Payton, I’m pretty sure a rat lives in his hair and controls his movements like in the movie Ratatouille) and 5 players are averaging less than 10 points per game for Taylor.  That hurts a bit.  There’s potential, as Westbrook and Drummond are both scoring well in fantasy land, but owner intervention is needed to right this shi………p. 

Record Prediction 3-13

 

11.  I Stole Ariza’s Pills

(Maraika Rockwood)
0-3

Maraika has decided that Steph Curry is enough to win every night without additional players as starters get benched nightly.  Hassan Whiteside is also on Maraika’s hit list as he’s been benched since October 27.  Maybe Steph will get to see the light and pass the ball up Maraika’s fantasy court to the likes of Whiteside, Walker, Gay, and Ingram…but probably not on the same night, Maraika’s resting a few to make an example of them.

Record Prediction: 3-13

10.  Blackmon, Mars Blackmon
(Sean Rockwood)
1-2

Sean has the most interesting mix of players on his team that I may have ever seen.  Sean’s got Fantasy’s best current player, Antetokunmpo, and Kyle Lowry as the main stars of the team.  Then you’ve got Kanter - his world flipped with the trade to NY after professing his love to OKC. Crabbe - went from a playoff team to Boston’s old lottery pick machine. Rodney - suddenly forgot what a basketball is and how to fit one of those in those metal hoop-things.  Smart - moved to last year’s Finals team after Boston lands Hayward. 

I don’t know why I find this so intriguing, you’ve got a bunch of second string guys who, for whatever reason (and generally no fault of their own), got traded elsewhere all in the same year.  All either struggling or figuring out what they’re doing, and a lot of them were kind of fan favorites off the bench.  I mean in real life having them all on the same team would be cool, but really hard to manage IMO.  In any event, I believe Sean has realized how hard it is to manage these players as well as he has copied Maraika’s approach (or did she copy Sean’s?) and benches starters on a consistent basis to keep the team chemistry intact.  Man is anyone who puts forth an ounce of effort gonna struggle to make the post-season this year? 

Record Prediction: 4-12

9.  Uncle Drew’s Cab

(Creighton Hardy)
1-2

  Way to be Creigton on picking up a F.A. that is averaging over 20 points a game!  I’d be lying if I told you I knew much about Sabonis before today, but obviously a white guy who plays for the Pacers would be a great fantasy pickup for anybody.   Beal, Irving, and Sabonis are doing decent damage per game for Creighton (60 fppg actually), yet Creighton is currently 2^nd from last at points for.  I’m not too worried about Creighton, eventually Leonard will come back (I hope), and a little lineup manipulation should get the team on the up-and-up.  For the record, I freaking hate Zaza Paculia.  Isn’t it enough that he robbed us of a potentially amazing series?  It was literally a series I waited all season long for, and he puts his big ugly foot out and ruins not only the series, but potentially another season of an incredible athlete.

  What’s his beef anyway?  Dude, Pachulia, you suck.  Literally.  You think the warriors wouldn’t be winning championships without you?  You are an average NBA player who just happened to land on a great team. That’s it.  Get rid of your freaking ego, you suck, and I hope you lose a season because you step in a bear trap you ugly ogre. 

  Best of luck Creigton.

Record Prediction: 7-9

8.  Leave Bear

(Dane Jacobsen)
1-2

  Can I just say, even though your last name didn’t finish great in the rankings (you’ll see it in a bit) I think this fantasy team has got to be the most creative.  It’s named Go Bear, has Gobert, and has an image of Rudy the movie on it.  There’s so many puns there it’s crazy and I love it.

  Much like the start to Rudy’s season, Dane’s team is off to a bit of a rocky start.  I might be wrong but I think this team will turn up the temp a bit in the next few weeks.  The first few weeks of any season it takes a minute for players and teams to get their feet under them, and Chris Paul will be back.  I think, factoring in Paul, Rudy scoring a little more per game as well as Winslow, you’re looking at a pretty decent team.  Maybe this team will be like the Notre Dame Rudy, start of will little fanfare, laud, or honor, and end with a bang. 

  BTW, the two sports movies I will never watch again because they were so effing boring: Rudy and Field of Dreams.  No I’m not lying.  Yes I saw them both.  No they didn’t inspire me.  Yes I told my last boss my feelings on the matter and he told me it was a career limiting move.  No I didn’t take it back. 

Record prediction: 8-8

7.  The Processor

(Austin Jones)
1-2

  Fortunately (or unfortunately, given the team name) Austin won’t be bad enough to win any lotteries this year.  I think this team as it currently stands will be a pretty consistent team (I mean week 2 and 3 scores for Austin were separated by 2 points).  It’ll be the team that sneaks up on you and busts your small win streak, and then the following week he’ll lose by a handful to a team with a lesser record who has a hot week.  There’s a slight blue-collar feel to the team with Mike Conley and Derrick Favors on the team, but really this team is made up of a lot of guys who just pull their weight every week and are a regular and integral part of the rotation.

  Man for one day could we just make real teams out of these?  Can you imagine Embiid holding down center with a Conley point, Jokic PF, and Porter playing wing?  There’s not really another eye-popping wing but we can say Russell just to add a little bling.  I think this team will be a lot like the Denver Nuggets this year, and that’s a good thing.

Record Prediction: 9-7

6.  Peregrin Took Aint Easy

(Tyler Cook)
1-2

  LeBron James and Blake Griffin are rocking it for Cook.  The problem, the rest of his roster is kind of performing…average.  The potential to blow the roof off is certainly there, Bledsoe is averaging 10.7 per game and can easily boost that, same with Butler (16.9), and Morris who is just getting back.  At the moment Cook’s roster is kind of in the middle, but Cook is good at roster manipulation, and he’ll make the moves necessary to win.  In football though, is Cook going to use the new rules to tank?  Or maybe he’ll shoot for a strong playoff performance this season.  Cook’s a hard one to peg, but due to sheer will and determination I believe cook will be a playoff contender in basketball.

Record Prediction 9-7

5.  Off the Wall and Into El Fuego

(Charlotte DeBaltzo)
3-0

  Charlotte only married Sam for his last name.  (Name rankings are just ahead I promise)

  I’m not sure if Charlotte was just lucky on draft night or if she put a lot of effort into building a good team.  Ok well, scenes how there is no team logo, no moves have taken place with the team, and Isaiah Thomas is currently sitting in her starting lineup, I’m leaning towards the former guess, but who knows.  All I can say is somehow Charlotte has managed to stay undefeated, and that’s saying something.  Rubio was a good fantasy find, as he’s scoring and more efficiently than ever in his career, netting Charlotte more points per game than if she’d netted Lowry.  Cousins must get a fantasy point for every time he throws a tantrum like a child because he’s a top 5 fantasy player right now and averaging over 30 fantasy points per game.  Really, looking at Charlotte’s roster, there’s not a lot of room for improvement aside from dumping Thomas out of the Brinks truck and picking up a scorer (unless there’s playoff strategy there), and trying to upgrade Tyler Johnson and Georgie-Porgie Daang.  Well played Charlotte, well played

Record Prediction: 10-6

4.  Stock’s Hairy Legs

(Dustin Jensen)
3-0

  What can I say about my own team?  It’s off to a hot start already and I picked up way too many players related to the Jazz.  Getting George Hill was a mistake as we are all learning he only plays good on good teams, and Sacramento is over-paying his butt. 

  On the team we’ve got only two players averaging over 20 fppg which is a problem, I hate Draymond Green, but luckily got Mitchell to balance out the hatred.  I realize you don’t want to read about my team and I don’t want to type about them much either.  I’m the 3^rd highest scorer in the league but I’ve also had the 3^rd least points scored against me.  At least one of those will give and I’m unsure which way it will go. I love my team and wish desperately for another basketball championship (or a football one!), but I’m having a rough time because the Jazz are playing like hot garbage right now.  Love you all, let’s move on nothing to see here.

Record Prediction: 10-6

3.  Make Believeland MiraCLEVs

(Sam DeBaltzo)
0-3

Have I ever mentioned DeBaltzo is by far the coolest last name anybody has in our group?  Solid man, if we were ranking last names DeBaltzo would finish first for sure. 

 
1.      DeBaltzo
2.      Rockwood
3.      Jensen
4.      Cook
5.      Jones
6.      Call
7.      Hardy
8.      Smith
9.      Jacobsen

  Now that that’s settled let’s look at Sam’s team. James Harden just gave the Jazz a bare-butt spanking and I’m still recovering a bit, so don’t be shocked if I over-rank this team because of James.  This team passes the eye test for sure, I mean Harden, Porzingis, Dragic, Parker, and, the obvious star of the team: Joe Ingles.  It would be a gross error to dock DeBaltzo due to his 0-3 start and sent him to the bottom of the rankings with the team he has.  Right now, Sam has had the most points scored against him.  In fact, really, my team is currently 3-0, but I’ve had nearly 400 less points scored against me compared to Sam.  The biggest error Sam could make would be to perform a drastic overhaul to a good roster.  The biggest mistake you could make is not setting your lineup when you’re playing against this lineup.

Record Prediction: 10-6

2.  Onesie and Donsie

(Alec Rockwood)
2-1

  Alec has a good team, but I think this team may be a bit inflated to start off the year.  Don’t get me wrong, this team is good, I mean right now it’s scoring better than 7 of the 12 teams in our league.  Just be wary Alec, you’ve had the least amount of points scored against you this season.  Maybe it’ll hold up, but odds are it won’t. 

  Dwight Howard, who has been a better fantasy player than real player for years now, was a good pickup.  The Durantula did awesome work in the Finals even if it was a cheap move to leave Westbrook to get the ring.  I wonder though, which came first for Alec, the chicken or the egg?  Did he decide to name his team one and done before picking up Durant or after?  I’d say after but if it was before a high five to you for foresight. 

  Alec has already been an involved manager by making roster moves, and I think he’ll be able to stay on top of his team before the points against catches up to him.  This team will be good folks.  Don’t forget to set your lineups here.

Record Prediction: 11-5

1.  Wardell Stephen Curry II’s Brother

(Corry Smith)
3-0

  Holy Crap this team is good.  I’m going to say it now, I think this is the team to beat, folks!  Somehow draft night came and went, and Corry cleaned house right under all of our noses.  5 players are averaging over 20 fppg and one is averaging over 30.  Hello!!!!  Talk about teams you’d like to see in real life, Lillard, DeRozan, Davis, Love, and Gordon, looking good.  Smithy even have that x factor player that pisses you off because he’s such a douche (Rodman, Artest, Lambier, etc.) that all championship teams seem to have in his benchie Rondo.  Smith has already been the high scorer two of the four weeks, and that’s with Rondo on his team who. Isn’t. playing.  Smith can and will be a dominant force, and we’ll all just be ropes on the good year blimp if he decides to torch us all.  (High five to anyone who knows the ropes on the Goodyear blimp reference)   

Record Prediction: 12-4

All-Star Power Rankings

Courtesy of Sam DeBaltzo

           With All-Star week surrounding us, I thought it’d be appropriate to do a power rankings based on All-Star representation. With 71 players being voted to the All-Star game, 68 of them were on our teams (the only three that weren’t were middle relievers, no big surprise). Shockingly, one of us had ZERO players in the All-Star game, but I won’t ruin that sadness for Mr. ____ ahead of time. So, I’ve compiled two sets of rankings, one that just has straight number of players and one favoring starters. That ranking will be in parentheses, and is calculated by (Starter=2, Reliever=1, Pitcher=1.5). With no more further ado, here they are!

*Editor’s Note: If you find these surprisingly boring it’s because bar study has taken over my life and 90% of my wit has vanished.

1^st (Tied) – 10 Players

Wok it Out (2^nd Place in Weighted Rankings, 14 Points)

            Dane’s team had quite the representation for the All-Star game. No one really made a big splash, but that’s pretty much been his team all year: a lot of power, no real domination. Like many of his player’s teams, Wok it Out is certain to make the playoffs, and we’ll see how it goes.

Michigan Cougars (1^st Place in Weighted Rankings, 15 Points)

            Unsurprising to anyone with half a brain, the Cougars are finally in their proper place at the top of the league. Surprising, however, is the fact that the Cougars still had 10 all-stars even though perennial all-stars Zach Britton, Mad-Bum, and Mark Melancon all were injured. I mean, when a guy wins a donkey because it was his first all-star game, you know it’s a lucky year. I’m in the mood to win baseball two years in a row, so I’m looking forward to getting my name on that trophy again ;).

3^rd – 8 Players

Good Better Betts (Tied for 3^rd Place in Weighted Rankings, 11.5 Points)

            Mr. Cook gets a respectable third place, although he does win the MVP performance for the All-Star game. Mr. Cano came strong in the 10^th inning and hit the game winning home run against Wade Davis (see Shark AreNado, below). Good Better Betts had a solid lineup for the game with a couple of likely Hall of Famers in Betts, Greinke, and Cano. I think my favorite All-Star on this team though would be Luis Severino. I like young pitchers, and he looks like he has what it takes. If only he played for anyone other than the Yankees.

4^th (Tied) – 7 Players

All Brauns No Brains (Tied for 3^rd Place in Weighted Rankings, 11.5 Points)

            Somehow Creighton does it again. I think we’ve all finally made it to the point where we’re shocked at how well Creighton does. However, I don’t think anyone was expecting Creighton to get by far the biggest steal of the year. Aaron Judge was an undrafted free agent in this league and has by far paid some of the best dividends. Also, the media can’t shut up about him. Although this is one of my favorite posts of all time.

Maraika Rockwood (5^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 9.5 Points)

            Maraika’s All-Stars show the extreme talent in hitting her team has. She’s struggled lately, but losing the best player in baseball (Mr. Trout still has no equals) for a couple of months will do that to you. I don’t know if she has enough time left to make the playoffs; she would need a LOT of key losses and to win out. But, she’s still a competitor and could thwart a couple of other team’s playoff chances.

6^th – 6 Players

SHARK areNADO (6^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 9 Points)

            This surprised me the most. Corry’s team has been absolutely unstoppable this year, but not even his power rankings have put him at number 1. I love his pitching squad for the all-star game, even if Wade Davis blew it for the NL. Strasburg, Keuchel, and Kluber would be a starting three to make anyone drool (p.s., Corry’s starters that didn’t make the All-Star game were such nobodies as Jake Arrieta, David Price, Carlos Carrasco, and Cole Hamels). Yes, I hate you Corry.

7^th (Tied) – 5 Players

Billy Beane (Tied for 8^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 6.5 Points)

            Well this was a pleasant surprise. I’m pretty much resigned to roasting Taylor in every power rankings. Don’t get me wrong, this team isn’t making it to the playoffs. However, Taylor had arguably the best pitcher in the American League to start the All-Star game and could be this year’s Cy Young Award Winner. Sale was amazing in Chicago, but give him a team that is actually good and look at the wonders he can do.

Clown Question Bro (7^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 7 Points)

            Dustin’s team has struggled in the past couple of weeks, so I can’t say I’m too surprised at his place in the rankings. He has two phenomenal relievers. More important, he has a player that will be a key part in my glorious Indians’ future, at any position.

9^th – 4 Players

Schwarber? I hardly know her (Tied for 8^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 6.5 Points)

            I thought Danee was going to pull ahead in the rankings, but I think Corry secretly sabotaged her team to give him an easier path to the playoffs. Let’s be honest, husbands have done worse things before. On a baseball note, Danee wishes her hair moved like this.

10^th (Tied) – 3 Players

The Bay of Puigs Invasion (10^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 5 Points)

The usual performance from Alec. Apparently Lil Poppy isn’t helping her Daddy perform like Big Papi (I still don’t believe that that was not a factor in the baby-naming decision). Anyways, enjoy your summer with the baby, we’re expecting an improved performance come this fall.

Pitches Be Crazy (11^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 3.5 Points)

            Obviously I’m biased to this team due to its owner, but I also love the All-Stars. Lindor is one of the best things the Indians have to offer, and Kershaw (as much as I love Scherzer) is still the best pitcher in baseball, hands-down. However, despite her low ranking, Charlotte could make the playoffs if she wins out. She’s a game ahead of Dustin and Maraika and we’ll see if she can make the lead last for three more weeks!

12^th – 0 Players

Bautized unto rePencetance (12^th Place in Weighted Rankings, 0 Points)

I can honestly say I was shocked that Sean had 0 (Zero, None, Zilch, Less than One) players on the All-Star team. There were 71 players in the game, and somehow Seanyboy managed to avoid drafting any of them. That takes skill. Sean’s only redeeming feature is that he has by far my favorite old man in the game.

June 7, 2017 Baseball Power Rankings

Courtesy of Corry Smith

Statistically Skewed Power Rankings

Hey guys, for this week’s power rankings, I tried to be all smart and mathy and I even made an excel spreadsheet! But I realize that’s not my thing. That’s Taylor’s thing. Probably Ty’s thing too. Probably everybody’s thing to some degree, but it is not my thing at all. I don’t do math or stats. And this super backfired on me because I got wrecked in my own rankings. And I realized pretty quickly that the way I was figuring things out was way skewed, but I still thought it’d be fun to see how this turns out. So, how I figured out rankings was I added up how everyone ranked in each category and added it up. So, if you had the most RBI’s, you’d get 1, and the least RBI’s would get 12. Or if you had the least losses, you got 1, or the most losses you get 12. This doesn’t work to show how good teams actually are for a lot of reasons. I realize that. My bad. Nevertheless, enjoy this week’s rankings.

#12 Bautized unto rePencetance – (Sean) (1-8)

179 points

Best ranking: Hits allowed as a pitcher

Worst ranking: Runs scored, total bases, innings pitched, strikeouts from a pitcher, holds

There’s not a lot to say. I don’t think Sean has checked his team very much, possibly ever. He plays someone on the DL almost every day, and continues to carry stellar players like Amir Garrett. Oh, you’ve never heard of the starting pitcher for the Reds who has a 7.17 ERA in 47 innings? That’s surprising. Sean’s batting isn’t bad. He has big names like Miguel Cabrera, Brian Dozier, Adrian Beltre, Anthony Rizzo, McCutchen, Matt Kemp, and Jose Bautista. But his pitching is terrible. The pitcher that has scored the most points for him is a reliever, who has outscored his next closest starter by 16 points. He did manage to get both Hunter Pence and Bautista, though, so his name makes sense again. So…that’s something. Prediction: maybe wins one more game. Misses the playoffs for sure.

#11 Billy Beane (Taylor) (3-6)

174 points

Best ranking: Strikeouts as a batter, hit batsmen by a pitcher

Worst ranking: Homeruns, saves

Taylor has also been pretty absent this season. Currently, he’s playing 4 guys on the DL, including 2 guys on the 60 day DL. He also has 2 saves on the year. 2!!! The next closest is Sean with 11. And Sam has 46! So Tay may want to consider upgrading his relievers, since two of them are owned by just 1% of people. He has some good pieces, like Chris Sale, and he has 6 batters who are averaging about 3 or more points a game, which is solid. But his bad guys are way bad. Like one of his relievers who has gotten him -56 total points. He’s 1-6 with 10.80 ERA! Rough. Prediction: no playoffs. Seattle’s making our boy weak!

#10 Shark areNado (Corry) (9-0)

161 points

Best ranking: Innings pitched, wins as a pitcher, losses as a pitcher

Worst ranking: Holds

Yeah. I’m upset about this. I’m 9-0, but I’m ranked 10^th!? Stupid math. I understand that my record is inflated and I’ve been lucky with the 2^nd least points scored against me. But I also have scored the second most points which is legit, and my pitchers have a combined 45-15 record. That’s stupid good. These rankings are dumb. Who wrote these anyway? Prediction: Playoffs.

#9 All Braun, No Brains (Creighton) (6-3)

156 points

Best ranking: Hit by a pitch as a batter

Worst ranking: Game winning RBI’s

Creighton’s team is a lot like Sean’s. It’s got a lot of star sluggers, but not a lot of big name pitchers. The lineup includes Buster Posey, Hanley Ramirez, Dee Gordon, Addison Russell, Charlie Blackmon, Jay Bruce, Aaron Judge, Ryan Braun, and Josh Donaldson. That’s a team of all-star names, and most of them are playing like it (exclude Russell). The difference from Sean’s team is that Creighton’s pitchers are pretty good. He has 6 starting pitchers averaging over 11 points a game, and a reliever who puts up enough points to be a starter. His players haven’t put up any crazy numbers, but they consistently put up average points which can be better than a lot of the other streaky teams in our league. Prediction: I think it’s going to be a fight for the final playoff spot between Creighton, Charlotte, and Sam. I could see him making it, but I predict he’s going to miss out by one or two games. 

T - #8 Clown Question Bro (Dustin) (5-4)

154 points

Best ranking: Stolen bases, earned runs by a pitcher, walks by a pitcher, holds

Worst ranking: Walks by a batter, strikeouts by a batter, wins as a pitcher

I remember seeing Dustin’s record a few weeks ago at 5-2 and being nervous. He’s always way good at basketball, and I worried he had made the jump to baseball. But I don’t think that’s the case. He’s scored the second least points, and his team has a lot of holes. Only 2 of his batters have averaged over 3 points a game, and only 2 of his pitchers have averaged over 10. A lot of his points in this ranking came from a lack of pitching. He’s pitched the second least number of innings, which is why he has the fewest walks by a pitcher and fewest earned runs. His stolen bases are legit though. He has 3 guys with over 10, and one who’s nearing 30. The next closest person in stolen bases is 17 away.  But besides that huge strength, I think his team is too weak. My prediction: he falls away down the stretch and misses the playoffs.

T - #8 Pitches Be Crazy (Charlotte) (5-4)

154 points

Best ranking: Innings pitched (3rd)

Worst ranking: Blown saves, hit by pitch as a batter

Charlotte’s team is very middle of the pack. Her best stat is only 3^rd best! Everything else is 4^th or lower. Her batters aren’t doing great, only 3 are over 3 points a game, but she has some good starting pitching with 5 pitchers averaging over 10. She also has a couple of big players who I think could get hot and carry her far Trumbo, Lindor, Cruz, Gardner, and Davis. Any of those guys could get hot and go crazy with homers giving her team a big boost to push her out of the middle. Prediction: a few batters get hot with hr’s and push her past Sam and Creighton and she makes the playoffs.

T - #6 Michigan Cougars (Sam) (4-5)

151 points

Best ranking: Game winning RBI’s, strikeouts by a pitcher, saves

Worst ranking: Stolen bases, earned runs, walks from a pitcher, hit batsmen as a pitcher

Sam commits to the pitcher hard. He has the past few year. Pros? It gives him a ton of saves and a ton of strikeouts. Con? He walks a bunch, gives up runs, and hits batters. That’s just based on the numbers of having that many pitchers go all the time. He also commits hard to the reliever and closer, again having more saves than anyone. Of his 22 total players, 6 are relievers. When you only have 8 pitching spots at a time, 6 relievers is a lot. But it gives him the potential to have pitching points every single day. His lineup is average, his starting pitching is fine, but Sam’s chances are all going to come down to his relievers performing. Prediction: Again, I think it’ll be close between him, Charlotte, and Creighton, but I predict he gets one too many losses and misses the playoffs.

 T - #6 The Bay of Puigs Invasion (Alec) (2-7)

151 points

Best ranking: Holds (2^nd), blown saves (2^nd),

Worst ranking: RBI’s

This is also one of the more skewed results. He should not be anywhere near this high. I don’t think he’s checked at all because he’s had a starting pitcher on his bench for the past month. He also has 7 guys on the DL. Even if you have a good team, that’s going to be hard to come back from. But when you have a below average team, and you get that many injures? Well, you get a 2-7 record. He doesn’t check his team, he doesn’t check facebook, and I don’t think he’ll ever see these rankings. So I’m done. Prediction: misses playoffs. I think the Rockwood pride will come down to Maraika. Sean and Alec aren’t making it.

#4 Schwarber? I hardly know her (Danee) (2-7)

143 points

Best ranking: Hit batsmen by a pitcher

Worst ranking: Hits allowed by a pitcher, losses by a pitcher

Though #4 may be a bit high, Danee’s 2-7 record is deceiving. She’s had the most points scored against her, which is just bad luck for the newest member of the Crapstone league. She’s already managed to do the most important thing, which is just play a team consistently. And because of that, she’s been able to have some surprise wins, like taking down Dustin last week. Again, following her bad luck, she has had several pitchers who have not panned out as they had been expected to. She had 5 pitchers expected to average 10+ points a game before the season started. Only one of them has done that, but he’s been slumping hard, averaging negative points over the past 15 days. Prediction: it’s too later for her to make the playoffs, but I think she could be a spoiler to a lot of team’s playoff hopes and could win on any given week.

#3 Good Better Betts (Tyler) (6-3)

122 points

Best ranking: Walks by a batter

Worst ranking: Blown saves (7^th), losses by a pitcher (7^th), stolen bases (7^th)

I know what you’re thinking: this is way too generous of a ranking. I’m sorry. Like I said, my rankings are skewed. But let me just say that I hate that Tyler’s team doesn’t suck at anything. The worst ranking he has is 7^th! That’s very middle of the pack and pretty good, and that’s his absolute worst stat ranking. He’s also not the top in very much. He’s just a well-rounded, above average team. There are really no weak spots. And he still has a top 10 pitcher on the DL, and a top 20 pitcher on DL. Without injuries, he’s the team to beat. When I see his team, one team comes to mind. The New York Yankees. Tyler consistently makes the playoffs, and always seems to know how to make a solid roster all the way through. Well done Tyler. Wear your pinstripes with pride. Prediction: Makes the playoffs

#2 Maraika Rockwood (5-4)

117 points

Best ranking: Runs, HR, total bases, RBI’s

Worst ranking: Blown saves (2^nd)

Maraika’s team can mash. Basically every stat with hitting, she tops in. But she isn’t even in the top 5 for striking out, which you’d expect from having so many power hitters. And what makes this worse is I don’t think she checks very much. She has a guy on the 60 day DL on her roster, yet she still is so good! Of her 22 players, 18 have been all-stars. 18!! Her record is deceiving for how good her team can do. If she invests a bit more, I’d start getting nervous. Prediction: makes the playoffs

#1 Wok it Out (Dane) (6-3)

116 points

Best ranking: HR (2^nd), total bases (2^nd), RBI’s (2^nd), stolen bases (2^nd), strikeouts by a pitcher (2^nd), saves (2^nd)

Worst ranking: Strikeouts by a batter (2^nd), walks by a pitcher (2^nd)

It’s crazy to me that the #1 spot wasn’t the best at any category. But he is at the top of a lot of categories, making for a more well-rounded game. This has allowed Dane to put up consistently high numbers – more than anybody else! And he’s also not the worst at any one category, which is also impressive. He has 6 starting pitchers averaging over 10 a game, and 7 batters who are averaging over 3 a game. Though my rankings were pretty terrible, I at least got this one right. Prediction: playoff bound for sure.  

2017 Baseball Preview

Courtesy of Tyler Cook:

1. Good Better Betts – Tyler Cook

Death, Taxes, Corry wearing purple shorts and Tyler Cook fielding a championship fantasy baseball team. Certain things you can always count on. I have one of the most well rounded teams, an amazing team name, my two favorite players (Benintendi and Betts) and a will to win. Thor will be the best pitcher not named Kershaw in the league if the Mets can score any runs when he starts, and if one of Gray/Greinke/Cole make the leap, I love this squad.

Miss those shorts.

2. Shark AreNADO – Corry Smith

Corry did a little extra research this year and it showed. He has the best staff in the league headlined by Kluber, Strasburg and Hamels. If Carrasco can stay healthy and Keuchel/Price can bounce back I don’t know how his team loses. Though he is no Manny Machado, Arenado should continue to bash thanks almost exclusively to Coors field and no talent of his own. His outfield makes me vomit, but an extremely solid infield should be enough to carry him far this year.

3. Maraika Rockwood – Maraika Rockwood

We’ve long known Maraika is Alec’s better half, but I didn’t think it would extend to the fantasy realm as well. With her recent baby, she acquired the wisdom of both a mother and a human baby, which may have provided an unfair advantage. However, she used that knowledge to draft an amazing team. I’m a huge fan of her outfield (Trout, Stanton, Jones? Straight stupid) and if Darvish can stay healthy he has top five pitcher upside. You could argue she has the best lineup in the league and she may continue to ride her hot streak to the fantasy playoffs.

4. All Braun no Brains – Creighton Hardy

Creighton is sneaky one of the best fantasy players out there which is relatively shocking considering how little he posts. I have no idea of his activity (so this is how my Elders Quorum President feels?) but I know he’s doing well (Fantasy basketball championship, great baseball team here). Creighton landed Braun for another year keeping what is the most perfect Player Name-Owner combo since Sam DeBaltzo drafted Rudy Gay in fantasy basketball. Cueto and Jansen are studs, and Fulmer and Ray have upside. Creighton is one other great pitcher away from being considered a favorite.

5. Pitches be Crazy – Charlotte DeBaltzo

For those who didn’t see yesterday, Charlotte owned me in the draft room worse than I’ve been owned in a long time (When I referenced defiling their wedding invitation last year, she said “At least I have an invitation to defile.” Needless to say I got wrecked). Charlotte’s owning may transfer to fantasy baseball this year as she looks to make the playoffs for the second year in a row. Encarnacion, Kinsler, Franco and Lindor is an amazing infield and her outfield is power, power and more power. Her staff is headlined by arguably the best fantasy player in the game in Clayton Kershaw (seriously, guy is unreal) and if he stays healthy and she checks I’d be shocked if she isn’t contending by the end of the year.

6. Michigan Cougars – Sam DeBaltzo

I hated Sam’s team last year (and he won the championship) and I hate it again this year. I am not a big fan of the pitcher-pitcher and more pitcher strategy but he has obviously made it work. Sam will no doubt check frequently and build his putrid lineup like he usually does and make the playoffs again. Scherzer-Bumgarner is just an insane duo and he has an army of relief pitchers to boot. His lineup is literally the ugliest thing I’ve seen since Lonzo Ball’s jumper, but like Sam has done with his own looks, he’ll make it work.

7. Danee Manee – Danee Chase

The newest member of our fantasy baseball league held her own in her maiden draft. What Danee lacks in ability to make in creative team names (Danee Manee? But still better than Maraikas team name) she makes up for in upside. Harper could be the best player in fantasy and she got him at pick ten (insane) and she adds the Seager brothers to make up one of the best trios in the league. If Schwarber plays, he rakes, and she has a good big three in the rotation. Her depth is legitimately awful in the rotation and is thin in some lineup spots, but if her stars perform she will go far.

8. Bay of Puigs Invasion – Alec Rockwood

Alec’s team is interesting, as his rotation Is filled with young players who have showed potential who have yet to make the leap (Martinez excluded). Like finding ketchup in the couch cushions, there are a lot of potential surprises if Taillon, Rodriguez, Duffy, Quintana, Manaea live up to the hype. HOWEVAH (Stephen A Smith voice), I don’t like his lineup much after Freeman, Bryant, Murphy and Yelich. There is too much risk for me to rank him higher, and knowing Alec, he will stop checking by week two. Will Alec finally check enough to be fantasy relevant?

9. Billy Beane – Taylor Call

Like Billy Beane’s Athletics, Taylor’s fantasy teams have not been relevant in what seemed like forever. Taylor’s lineup has depth and no glaring weak spots but lacks upside after Altuve (who I think regresses a bit this year). Sale and Verlander is an absurd duo, rivaling the top two of any other team in the league, but outside of those two I just am not high on this team. Taylor can take solace in that he is as sexy as Brad Pitt (especially when he has scruff) but he may need a Jonah Hill like pudgy sidekick (Austin Jones?) to join him and take his team to the next level.

10. Wok it out – Dane Jacobsen

Dane is one of the best fantasy managers out there just based off pure drive and hustle. If I were to take a team in real life for the next ten years, I may choose his. Sanchez, Odor, Sano, Correa, Goldschmidt and Baez are all young studs who I feel like in some cases are a year or two away from being the fantasy stars the will be. Lester is great, but I think he finally starts to age and while Archer is nasty, he plays for a putrid Rays team. If his young uns progress like his real life Baby Beau has (kid is a legit superstud baby), this ranking is too low.

11. Bautized unto Repencetance – Sean Rockwood

Two teams on autodraft, bottom two teams in the league. Sean probably won’t read this or check this league and I think he hates fantasy after his basketball team got decimated by injuries, we will see if Sean changes his team name now that he has neither Joey Bautista or Hunter Pence. Cabrera and Rizzo back to back along with Beltre is an intriguing big three, but his team has a lot of swing and miss to it and arguably the worst rotation in the league. Combine this with the fact that he’ll pay as much as attention to his team as I did in an average college class and I’d be shocked if Sean isn’t bottom three.

12. Clown Question Bro – Dustin Jensen

Dustin actually had real life reasons to not make the draft and he got extremely screwed when it came to the auto-draft. Last years Cinderella story (he won like 8 straight to make the playoffs last year, almost the championship) has finally run its course. Machado is a stud (and once again the undisputed best third baseman in the game, no one else is close), but the autopick screwed him with Billy Hamilton and Wil Myers decently early. If anyone can turn this ship around, Dustin can, but he has hit a bit of a fantasy slump (probably because he has better things to do with his time haha).

Well that’s it for predictions, see one of you guys in the championship!

Finals Preview 2016-17

Courtesy of Tyler Cook

You see, it's the slow knife... the knife that takes its time, the knife that waits years without forgetting, then slips quietly between the bones... that's the knife that cuts deepest. – Dark Knight Rises

Remember when we played fantasy baseball (now starting up again soon), and it literally took the best player on my team dying for you all to defeat me (Literally all, I vanquished every one of you). You may have forgotten, since it has been a long time. I on the other hand, have waited this year without forgetting, planning, plotting my vengeance. While you fantasy mortals sleep, I lay in bed and wait.

I waited patiently for this fantasy season. What a season of fantasy basketball it has been. Sean was the overwhelming favorite throughout the year who had his team decimated by trades and injuries, which left the throne wide open for any suitor to come and take it. And who else would you expect to thrive in this chaos but myself? To you all, chaos is a pit, but to me, it is a ladder. A ladder I have climbed and climbed and climbed to get to where I am today. Your soon to be fantasy basketball champion.

A lesser man would talk smack to Creighton, making fun of his hot bod, small mouth and his ginger hair. I however, am a gentlemen, and would never mention those things. James Harden and Isaiah Thomas have been absolutely amazing for him, but my team has something not measured in fantasy points… GUTS.

This league was over the second I saw a tweet that revealed Kevin Love was returning two weeks earlier than expected. Now, with Lebron, Drummond, Love, Carmelo and the recent 70 point scorer Devin Booker at the helm, my team is near unbeatable. I look forward to what should be an epic matchup with Creighton. I know this analysis isn’t numbers heavy, but I predict a thorough beatdown reminiscent of the beatdown his anus took every night when he roomed with Phil Barnes (Love you Creighton).

Guys, it has been a great season. And we have two more weeks to enjoy. So sit back and watch as two fantasy giants vie for the crown. Both teams deserve it and have saved their best ball for the best time, but unfortunately, one run has to end. I predict a close victory for the Pippens Aint Easys and a fantasy basketball championship to accompany my prior football championship.